For the Cause of Love

Exerpt

2012-02-20T18:59:00.000-08:00

"If I were to direct you to a course that would bring you closer to Me, would you accept it? Would you walk into this course with joy, singing My praise because I had taken your hand and led you quickly into the heavenly mysteries of holiness? Would you be grateful to Me for choosing you amongst many to be one of My closest companions? Would you recognize that great grace that I had given to you by selecting you to proceed with Me down this course that leads so directly to My heart, even if it were to lead you away from your companions? My beloved one, if you are suffering, be assured that I have chosen you to accompany Me as a close companion. Only in suffering is it possible for Me to visit you with certain heavenly graces. These graces are distinguishable from other graces by the impact they leave on a soul. This impact alters permanently the viewpoint of one who has experienced suffering. Some reject My presence in the cross and become bitter. Poor, poor children of God, who do not see God in their cross. You must pray for them and rejoice if you are one who suffers and understands that your Savior is asking you to accompany Him on the walk to Calvary. Could I abandon you with your suffering? Would such a thing be possible when I, Myself have chosen you to be My closest companion? If you experience the cross, My beloved apostle, you experience Me, but you must desire My companionship as I desire yours.

My beloved apostles, do not be downhearted because you suffer. Consider that suffering is learning. What do I teach you in suffering? There are so many advantages and revelations possible in suffering that if you are suffering you should say, 'Truly, I have embarked upon a course of study. I am studying Jesus in the cross.' In this way, you will view your time spent carrying the cross as time spent with intensive learning and intensive advance into things holy. One of the the things you will struggle with is temptation to reject the cross and rebel against the cross. Anyone who is carrying a crosss of suffering requires exertion. You must exert yourself to remain faithful and recollected when you are carrying a cross. This is wearisome at times. But the fact that one is tired does not mean that one is finished. If the cross has not dimished then you must carry it for a time longer. I am the personal instructor of those carrying crosses. Do you listen carefully to your instructor? Do you seek to remain close to Me? If you do, I will teach you how to carry the cross in the way that benefits your most, and by benefitting you, remember that heaven benefits all around you and all that is close to your heart. Just as the Father blessed many through My Passion, He will bless many through yours. You are not alone. I am with you."

- Whispers from the Cross,
Reclaiming the Church through
Personal Holiness

Frustrating Self

2012-02-13T17:36:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been so frustrated by your own weaknesses? Do you ever surprise yourself by how the things you know you shouldn't do or say or think, you still do, say and think?! Paul talks about this in the New Testament. I do it all too often. I drive myself nuts, actually. Using all of my self-control to not say or do something and then I still end up saying or doing it! It is baffling how weak I am. How I want to be all good and loving and yet I am not. I am not God. However, there are two things that I can think of that are good in this. I realize that I am able to see and recognize the faults in me. It gives me the desire to at the very least, to keep trying and trying to become better and overcome these hindrances. I am in no way in denial of them or don't care enough to work on them.

The other thing that I see in the struggle is that there must be more than this world for me. In the constant struggle to be better, to overcome, to fight, and at times be victorious, I see that I am made for so much more. I read these words from Jesus and they settled in my soul - "While you are serving in exile, away from heaven, you feel that you are apart from something that you crave. This is a good feeling because it shows that you are experiencing the longing for heaven that calls you home. I, too, experienced this longing for heaven. It is an aching feeling. It tells you that there is something else that you should have that you do not have? It is union with your Savior. You will feel complete when you have this forever; with no risk of losing this union." I do experience this. I am thankful for feeling this. For many years, I did not. I felt longing for Christ but longing for Him in m life on earth. Heaven, home, was an after-thought, a bonus to loving God. By observing and living in my weaknesses, I become disgusted with myself. I see a sliver of the vast space between God's greatness and my nothingness. This viewing of our great distinction reminds me of His Divine Mercy. It reminds me of glimpses of who I can be, where I started and how far I've come. In Christ, for Christ and through Christ I crave a better me. I know it must be possible because I crave it so intensely.

It reminds me of when someone falls in love. Not only does the beloved want to behold her lover because of him, she wants to behold him because she is a better version of herself with him. She sees never-known possibilities of her own grace and beauty, her own transformation. This is what I crave when I think of unity with Christ, with Heaven. The best version of me. The version I no longer have to battle so much. The version I will be completely at peace with. The version that will no longer have to search, gain, and lose again. Complete - me. Complete with God. But until then, I keep on fighting. Keep analyzing my struggles. Keep asking for forgiveness. Keep getting up time and time again after each fall. Keep on working towards becoming better. Keep relying on Him. One day at a time, one moment. Blessings on your week. I have to go now and yell at the children ;)

***By the way, I was wondering if ANY of you reading or checking in on my blog would like to be a feature writer for a week. Don't just count it out right away. I ask that you just pray about it and see if maybe you are called to. Email me your thoughts, your experience, your gratitude, etc. I would LOVE it. Then I get to use your writing here and there throughout the weeks. Remember, we are all in this together!! ***

Perspective

2012-02-06T17:42:00.001-08:00

Saturday evening I sat outside with my sister-in-law. The children were riding bikes and racing each other. The sun was starting to set. A little color in the sky caught my eye. Over a neighboring house, I could see a faint, vertical rainbow. I lifted my sunglasses and the colors were gone. I put them back on and the rainbow returned. Interrupting our conversation, I told Monica to look over the house and what I saw. She did, and confirmed how yes, with sunglasses on, the rainbow was visible but without them, it wasn't. An interesting moment I thought. I continued to think of it as I believed I was being shown something. Perspective. One's perspective is crucial to seeing the Kingdom. I have often talked of the eternal perspective. This is a concrete example of just that. Perspective when paired with Truth does not see and experience what one wants to see and believe. Perspective is looking at something from a different point-of-view. I think it is important to think of this concept I am familiar with. If a small dog runs up to Gia, a one year old and gets in her face and licks her. Her perspective of the small dog might actual be big and invasive and scary. Gia cries and reaches up to me for help. As her adult mom, my perspective of the dog and situation is that it is a cute little dog who is trying to kiss and be friendly to my daughter who is scrambling for help. I laugh. The reality or truth of the situation doesn't change. However, our two perspectives of it are different. And therefore make us REACT differently as well. I laugh. Gia cries.

I think of seeing the rainbow through my sunglasses and how it was gone without them. I am still seeing with my own eyes the same spot in the sky, however, with sunglasses on, I get to enjoy a beautiful rainbow that makes me smile. However, without the sunglasses, or a different perspective, I probably would not have looked at that spot in the sky to begin with. And I would not have just received an extra moment of beauty and joy.

Looking for His Kingdom on this earth is perspective. The eternal perspective, looking through the right glasses. Peeking through the veil between Heaven and earth is done by practicing keeping our glasses on at all times or we will miss the heavenly gifts and presence that is lavished on each of us. Those gifts, those blessings remind me of what is to come in eternity.

I went for my run this very morning. I prayed before I started that since I had a little time to myself that God would help me to see His gifts on the run. It is easier to look for the Kingdom when we are not distracted. I have my usual route. I saw two tiny, tiny morning doves. They were so precious. I admired them and praised God for them. Gift one. I saw the morning sun just getting higher into the sky. It turned the clouds and sun silver. I thanked Him for that too. Gift two. I was getting close to the sunflower house. It's a marker in my run. I always enjoy the sunflower house. In the front yard, there are golden sunflowers. They are beautiful, so I know gift three is coming up. As I approached the house I noticed two small birds on the wire by the sunflowers. I was overjoyed thinking the two tiny morning doves have followed me. I get closer and I can't even believe m eyes. Feasting and kissing the golden sunflowers is a dozen Love Birds! They were bouncing from one flower to the next chirping and full of complete joy. I only know they are Love Birds because Johnny and I researched them for a pet. They are not native to Arizona. They have indigo blue tails, bright green bodies, and peach colored faces. They are magnificent! Later my father-in-law told me that someone in another part of the valley raised some and had to get rid of some so he let some go. Apparently they adapted and have multiplied, but are not often seen. I was marvelling at them and filled with the presence of the Creator. I grew up in gorgeous Northern California and have travelled many glorious places. I would have never thought that one of the most delightful moments with God's nature would have been in suburb Tempe, AZ. And yet I see cars and people just passing all of this by! How could they?! He not only loves to give, but to surprise too. My cup is overflowing. I think of Johnny right away. He would LOVE this! I have to share it with him!

I sprint over a mile back home to grab John and put him in the car. I don't want them to fly away. Panting I burst through the front door. Johnny is slowly trying to wake up. I tell him to hurry and I have a surprise to show him. He starts asking what it is in a cranky-I'm-trying-to-wake-up voice. I tell him so he will be excited. He simply says, "I don't want to go." My heart sank. "What?! But John, you gotta.If you come with me, you won't even be able to believe it! It's so beautiful!" Thinking I must have convinced him, John responds, "No. I don't want to go. I want to stay inside." The joy and experience I could hardly wait to share just got shot down. I immediately sensed another lesson being shared with me. I felt in a small degree, the rejection of the Father from His children, from me. My heart hurt and I felt ashamed. How many times have I rejected a gift God so ardently wanted to give? How many times have I begged for a gift, a blessing and when He places something in before, I throw my head over my shoulder and say, "NO, I don't want that one." How terrible of me. Especially when the package of the gift doesn't look to impressive, or even a bit ugly. When I found out I was pregnant with Stella and my plans were "ruined"? How I cried for a month. How hurt He must have been. But He knew. He knew the absolute GIFT her life was and is for me in thousands of ways. When I begged for more gifts and I opened my hands pleading. He placed the death of my daughter in them. Repulsed, by the packaging on that gift. How His heart must have broken. All the beauty and joy He wants to share through such gifts. God is all good, God is all Love, and God is all knowing. All gifts He gives are good, loving, and given with perfect perspective. He is so excited for us!

So I want all the gifts now. I want ALL, not just the ones with pretty ribbon and paper. I want ALL of them, because I want ALL of Him and I want to learn His perspective more. With Eternal Perspective, there is no need for fear, discouragement, dispair, confusion, etc. Only good, only love, and only a path in the Kingdom's direction with an all-knowing driver infront of the wheel.

A Holy Feast

2012-01-29T17:19:00.000-08:00

My name -Francesca Elena. Francesca derives from the male name Frances. It means "free". I was named with my Italian heritage in mind after my great aunt, Francesca and the Italian saint, Francis (Francesco) of Assisi. My middle name was a derivative of my Nana's name Eileen. It means, "tree". "Free Tree". The name meaning never sounded as noble, valiant, or lovely as many others. Tree? I never felt like my name meaning revealed any significance of who I am.

"Free." Free." I want to mean my name. Free is something I have always longed for. As a young adult, I was studious, confident in my speech about all my dreams and aspirations, always active, always involved, always a sensitive soul who even had wisdom from her young years. A romantic and a bit hopeless for romance. I often looked ahead to all my big dreams, goals and hopes, determined accomplishing them would make me happy, or more importantly - free. What is this freedom I so desired? Success? Travelled? Educated? In love? Adventure? I thought accomplishing and going after such things would make me feel better about myself, know myself more, be respected, be...free.

With dreams and self-discipline and determination packed in suitcase, I set off over half way across the country to start this new life and ideal for myself. For college, I would go far from home to really show the world and myself, my new independence. I worked hard and was an accomplished student. I travelled much, the US and many places in Europe upon studying abroad in Rome. I found new interests that seemed to light new passions in me and it truly appeared like all I was doing was according to plan. However, I didn't feel "free". I was facing an imperative battle. A battle in the mind. I was faced with horrible, fear-driven, uncontrollable, racing obsessive thoughts; later to be found as OCD and depression. These years were not as I had planned. From the "outside" I was doing everything "right" to be a successful, happy person. Inside, I felt lost, alone, confused and down right a mess. I didn't understand. I had a growing relationship with Jesus. I knew the importance of the spiritual life. I knew He was important to my plans. He needed to be in the center of everything. However, looking back, I thought He was in the center, but only if all the things I said and I wanted could surround Him.

Needless to say, I didn't feel free, on the contrary, I felt trapped and suffocated. I was caught in a vicious cycle of expecting that "doing certain things" or a "certain someone" or "more of" would be the ticket to my train to freedom. As I was growing, I started very slowly to learn that it is not at all in the "doing" or the "somewhere", "the dream home", the "dream man". It is through the Creator who then shows us a unique path of freedom in the mind. Freedom is in the perspective we see the present moment, and life given to us directly from above.

I wanted to share this bit of a background about me for a specific reason. It is hard to write these words and share such a fragile time I experienced internally. I share this so you can understand a little more who this person is you read postings from every week. The woman some of you have written to over the last year and say, "I don't know how you do it, you are so strong." Or, "Your faith is so strong." etc. I want you to see clearly that I am NOT. I do not say this with false humility. I look at my past, who I am, who I was, what I experienced and I cry out to my Creator, "Lord! Look at me!!! Out of all the people in the world, some of whom I personally know would do better at this - why did you choose me to carry such a cross? Look at how weak my mind is! Fear, obsession and anxiety and depression were a staple food of my mind's diet for years and areas I still have much residue and stains from! Why me?!! Surely someone else is better suited than me."

After I ask this, the story of Gideon from the Old Testament came to mind. My sisters and I would watch his story as a cartoon growing up. That's still what I picture in my mind when I think of him. Gideon was a man who lived in abundant fear. He literally lived in a cave scared to see his own shadow. An angel appeared to him and told him he was to lead the Israelites into battle against the Philistine's army. To make a long story short, against all odds, Gideon took only a small amount of men and with the Lord, destroyed the Philistines. Gideon did not understand why God asked him. The same question formed on his lips, "Lord, why me?! Look at me!" The answer for Gideon is the same for me. It sings loudly in my soul and I own it completely. It is so - GOD'S STRENGTH, GOD'S WILL, GOD'S POWER AND GOD'S GLORY BE SHOWN! Not Gideon's, not mine. He chooses the weak to lead the strong.

When I look back during that time in my life, without the illumination of God, I want to turn my head away because it is painful to look at it. But then the soft, strong, hand of my Jesus is placed under my chin as He lifts my head and turns my eyes towards that time and show me through His eyes, our victories won, not my failures I feel. He was pruning me, shaping me, transfiguring me. Although it may have seemed to me that I was missing out on so much and working tirelessly to all the things I wanted to be, He was showing me that all those things are simply illusions of freedom. They will die with my body. He was showing me not to be deceived. He showed me how all new life comes from dark places, from mystery. God called all of creation from darkness. Seeds are in hidden dark soil to nourish growth. Babies are fashioned in dark wombs on the woman. The light of dawn comes after the darkest hour of the night. Spring follows winter. Real life comes AFTER death. The cross promises resurrection.

So what was the new life that sprouted from that time? My Lord shows me. The things of the eternal nature, the best nature, the only nature. Things that will come with me to the Kingdom. Things that will never die, nor ever be lost. The discipline of prayer sprouted. The growing of a very real relationship with my God. The love of the depth and richness and tools of my Catholic faith. I clung to the Sacraments and teachings as my hope and daily food. I remember walking through snow storms to get to evening Mass. I had to, or I felt my soul would be lost. Perseverence shot forward from the dark soil inside my soul. Fear of God sprouted shortly after. I began to see that I am nothing and completely in His hands; that it is only He that has reign over all His dominion on earth, not my ego. I am simply blessed to be a part of it. Grace to endure a part in His Passion grew as well. I also received true and deep friendships during that time with souls who are kindred spirits. During that time, I was catching real glimpses of the reality that a soul does only find rest, find freedom in her God alone. In God, the creature drawing closer to its Creator becomes more like its authentic self and closer to the glory it was intended for from the beginning. The Creator knew I would need to learn those harder lessons young, so I could have gone through some training ground for what was to come on January 30, 2011 and for the rest of my life on this earth.

I've seen this last year that I will lose absolutely everything that has no eternal value. It will all return to dust. It is just a question of when. So I feel an urgency. I simply do not have the time to waste my time on deceptive endeavors the world lures and tempts me with. I know I will fall and at times will be deceived. But thank God for His Son and His Divine Mercy. I want Home, I want Him, and I want as St. Therese said, "I choose all." The only way to gain it all, is to lose all here and partake in His Passion, His time of transfiguring, passing, darkness.

In Christ, and the holiness of the magnificent, simple life and place God has me in, I finally find myself learning constantly how to live freely in the very present. I am finally learning and living up to my name meaning - "free tree". With eternal perspective as the glasses my eyes constantly try to adjust to, especially in this last year, my soul is breathing fresh, crisp, life-giving air. Iexperienving more freedom on more days than I EVER have. As deep and heavy the sorrow has been, the freedom days are extravagant. How wild is that? After such a life change last year, exactly this day, I can even say those words! Because real freedom doesn't change with the wind, freedom is in the complete abandonment to the will of God. It does not take away from all the agony, but I have beheld my Lord's face, in the face of true sorrow and real Truth. And yet, like a tree, I am still standing firm with roots journeying deep into the earth. Life has thrown ferocious storms, and with Heaven I have seen myself battered badly, but still standing. With glimpses and much hope of thriving into a forest. My roots continue to travel deep in the dark, mystery earth that is infinite, glorious, and ALL LOVE, Father, Son, and Spirit.

Free Tree - I like that.

Happy Feast of St. Stella!!!! THANK YOU!

Angels Angels Everywhere

2012-01-23T17:43:00.000-08:00

Stella started to ask specifically about angels a month or so before she died. She asked me about our Guardian Angels, what they look like, if they have names, what they do etc. I told her how they are God's servants. They never lived on earth. Their only purpose is to serve the Father. I can picture her asking me if about her Angel Guardian's name. I told her she could pray and listen quietly in her soul for the answer. She said, "Well when am I suppose to hear it?" Stella was an early riser so she would lay in bed until I came to get her between 6 and 6:30. I said, "How about when you are laying in bed in the morning? You know, when it's really quiet in the house." She thought that was a great idea. And then I remembered!! I said, "Stella, when you were a baby, I started praying that I would know your Angel Guardian's name!" "You did?!" she exclaimed excitedly with her eyes lit up. "What is it?!" I prayed for months trying to know my new baby's Angel Guardian's name. The name I finally "heard" was Matthias. Stella was elated. The next day she woke up and told me how she saw her Angel Guardian. We started talking about it. Then the next morning she said, "Mom, I saw my Angel. And there were angels on the ceiling and well, actually they were everywhere in my room, Mom." I'm not sure if I really believed her then. However, I DEFINITELY believe it now.

I have to say, I know I don't utilize and talk to angels enough. I often implore the saints, but it is wise and wonderful to remember these other Spiritual Beings God created in and for His Kingdom. He gives each soul on earth one to watch over them. They are real. They are not people who have died and gone to heaven. People do not become angels. Angels are Beings of Light. They have been messengers and guardians and helpers of mankind from the beginning of time. I love hearing and reading stories about them. It is an area in my spiritual journey I want to grow in more. I know my Stella enjoys their company in the Kingdom. I want to start becoming friends with them now. They often come to prepare a person before they receive an apparition. They look upon the God Father's face always. I must ask them to teach me more about prayer and how to pray better. They are aligned perfectly in the Divine Will. They seem to be such a mystery to me. But what else is new?! We live in the Mystery all the time.

This past week has been especially hard for me. I feel so somber and alone in this. Please do not forget to pray for us even though time continues to pass. I miss my daughter. I miss everything.

Johnny's Gift

2012-01-16T18:30:00.000-08:00

Well, I was planning on writing about more thoughts of the past week but I can't pass up telling this little story. On Saturday, we took John and Gia to a train park here. Across the street we saw a parking lot full of "cars". I guess I should back up a minute and tell you that my son, Johnny LOVES cars. They are his favorite thing. He especially enjoys cars from the Disney\Pixar movie - Cars and Cars 2. Ever since he saw the movie at age one and half, he has been obsessed with them. Anyways...back to the train park. So apparently there was some kind of car show across the street. Phillip and I thought of course that John would go nuts. We stuck to our plans though and went to the park. John was disappointed but very accepting of the fact that we weren't going to take him to the car show that day.

On Sunday morning I asked Mother Mary to help us do something special together as a family. We had the whole day because we had already gone to Mass the Saturday evening so we didn't have to go Sunday morning. We usually don't do that. I prayed and decided whatever Phillip offered as a suggestion, we would just do. I didn't want to go back and forth with ideas and then get frustrated by indecisiveness. Phillip said, "Francesca, let's go down to the parking lot again and see if the cars are still there." I tend to like to plan a little more so I told him I would look it up online first. I found out they would not be there. It apparently is this HUGE car show that people come all over the world to be a part of. It's called Barrett Jackson. Anyways, some cars started at that parking lot and were driving to the Pavilion that afternoon. We weren't sure if we had the time with Gia's nap schedule if going to a long event would be a good experience for the entire family to do. Somehow we still decided to go and check it out and we thought that maybe there would be some neat cars in the parking lot and we could get the scoop on all of it. Phillip could then wait until next weekend to take John so they wouldn't be pressed for time. It was a beautiful overcast day. The desert really did look pretty. John was going crazy just thinking about the idea of being close to all those top notch cars.

We parked and as I was unloading John, I said, "Johnny, I really think that this is going to be a gift from Stella to you." He didn't pay much attention to me as his excitement was escalating. We walked a little while and arrived at the front tent. Then all of a sudden, this man asked us if we needed tickets. He gave us one right there! We were so thankful. I went to go purchase more and he came up to me again and said "That will cover you and your husband and the children are free." We couldn't believe it. I told John again, "See, I told you this was going to be a gift from your sister." It was a heavenly confirmation to us that we were suppose to go as a family. We had a blast. I have never been to anything like that. John's joy, was our joy. It was pretty spectacular. And that comes from a non-car person. Gia was really peaceful and our family once again received heaven's love. God took care of my son in no grand spiritual way. He still wants us to enjoy our stay here on earth even if it is an exile. God created John with that love of cars he has, He wanted to bless John that day. What a loving Father. If He does that for a small soul, think of what must await each of His children at Home! He sees everything, even the smallest of details in the smallest of souls.

Unexpected Beauty

2012-01-09T18:46:00.000-08:00

I have an image that keeps coming to mind. I see a desert, flat, dry, and barren. It seems to stretch for miles. I can picture driving across the country with my family growing up. We would always travel out of state and do a road trip. We loved it. However, I remember Nevada was always the state we loathed driving through because the desert was so boring and frankly, just ugly.

Yet somehow, they still maintain life. There are creatures and plants that do use resources from such desolate looking land. Among such rough terrain, I see a flower in bloom. And I can't help but think of how the desert in appearances look awful. But as one takes a closer look, there are not only creatures that are supported by such a habitat, but beauty also blossoms. The key to it is patience and perseverance. If one waits long enough, one will actually see beautiful flowers, a place of peace, and many creatures. The beauty seen is astounding because of the secrecy and stubborn temperament it holds. It is all so unexpected.

So yes, I relate the suffering soul, my soul, to such a place. It is in hoping when hope doesn't seem possible or likely, that my soul somehow receives the grace it needs to be patient and persevere. Life is sustained, but I continue to wait for the grand and majestic blooms that the desert sometimes unveils. And when the rains come and the desert turns to green and many other colors, the life that does inhabit in it come out and rejoice, playing in such rarity.
So to does the song of my soul. It longs to burst through in extravagance in such an unlikely place. I see glimpses of this.

Also in the desert many of these happenings occur at night. Much of the activity arises after the scorching such sets and stars by the millions fill the sky. So too, the darkness of night in the soul who is living in a desert time. I believe many mysteries of beauty DO bloom and thrive when one is in such treacherous places. This is the continual hope I have and have seen pieces of. I continue to wait under this sever and merciless sun, for the merciFUL God to open the flood gates wider and pour down upon me and my family and the world so true beauty and joy will explode! For God does all things. He turns wastelands into vibrant, fertile grounds. Since He does that, think of all the possibilities there are for a willing soul. So as the new year has begun and we are approaching the one year anniversary, I look towards working hard and receiving truly a year of great restoration from my mighty, mighty Savior!

Sweet Stella, please help us.

Oh and just for an update - My birthday was very blessed today. I was missing the girl especially today, but I truly was humbled by friends and family. I feel so undeserving of such kindness and love. That is truly how I felt today - humbled and unworthy. Thank you everyone!! Why is it so hard to accept such love?!!? Heaven is working - through each of us.

Mishap

2012-01-04T12:12:00.000-08:00

Hi everybody. I'm so sorry for not posting Monday. I was in California visiting my family and i got the stomach flu. We just got back in town so I'm just going to wait until this coming Monday, the 9th which is actually my birthday! Blessings.

Today, 8 years ago...

2011-12-26T20:28:00.000-08:00

I was taking a shower as I timed the morning and how long it would take me to get ready. My family, including cousins, aunts, uncle, grandma, etc. all were leaving to spend the day in beautiful Carmel the day after Christmas. It is a favorite day trip place of ours. We grew up going there on the weekends or down for a special dinner. Walking around the exquisite and unique beach town of the Pebble Beach Lodge and golf course will always remain at the top of the most beautiful places in my mind's eye. My parents had gone to Mass and coffee. The phone rang. My sister came in bathroom as I was in the midst of showering, "Dad called and said you need to pick mom up at the Poor Clare's." (The tucked away Catholic Monastery in the hills of Pleasant Valley in Corralitos, my home town. About a seven minute drive from the house.) "You've got to be kidding me!" I think in my head as my sister gives me the chore. "I can't," I told her. "I'm still in the shower and I still have to get ready to go!" I was infuriated at my mom for pulling a last minute demand on me. "You go get her." I eventually came out the shower, my sister hadn't left and the phone rang again. My mom needed to be picked up and I was throwing a fit. My hair was sopping wet. I threw on slippers and my dad's huge windbreaker jacket. I drove to the monastery as fast as I could. I jumped out of the car opened up the large wood door. I looked inside and my mom was no where to be seen. Now I was furious. I shut the door jumped back in the car and went home. I pulled up into the driveway and my parents were getting out of their car. "What on earth happened?!!" I exclaimed. "I was in the shower, trying to get ready to leave, you called me, I left and you weren't even there!" They looked at me so puzzled. They finally asked, "Well...was anyone there?" Annoyed and frusterated I remarked, "There was some guy kneeling in the front pew." My dad continued, "Well, did you see who the guy was? You better go back." I looked at my attire, knowing it was not what I would like to remember myself in when I received my proposal, but I had no choice. I jumped back into the car and drove even faster than I did the first time. I was beaming. The sun was shining on the crisp December morning. I had the classical music station on for some reason and the VERY song I always wanted to walk down the isle to was playing - O Mio Bambino Caro by Giacomo Puccini. Isn't heaven so lovely. God is such a Lover!

I ran back into the church. Phillip turned around, thankful I returned. We greeted each other and he told me that before he could even turn around the door shut and he heard the car start and drive off. We laughed. He then continued with his proposal. We sat with Jesus in the beautiful monastery my family has been a part of and served starting with my grandparents. All of a sudden we heard voices and My dad had driven our 12 seater van with all of my siblings to spy in on any action they could view. The day continued and we met all of the family for dinner in Carmel as we celebrated the new path God had been leading us on for eight years. My heart couldn't even believe that it had finally come to pass. I truly experienced God's faithfulness to the desire of my heart that day. For He never did forget the petition I asked of Him eight years prior - that even if life continued to happen and even if I forgot about Phillip, that He, my Father would never forget that true desire of mine. And of course I never did forget about Phillip over those eight years, God was sowing much during that time in each of us, for us, for Him. Praise be to the Father! It was then, and even more so now to me, well worth the wait.

Busy Week, Some Quick Thoughts

2011-12-19T18:59:00.000-08:00

I want to share three sentences from Janice Connell's book. They struck and stuck with me this last week. I may not have them word for word because I am just writing how I remember them. The first one was this - "We are spiritual beings enduring a physical experience". I know this is true. I talk about it often. However, two words in this phrase gave it a different weight. They are the words "enduring" and "experience". It just gave my soul a little lift when I read it, separating our spirit and body very distinctly. Reminding it that I am not made for this place and I just have to put up with it for a very short time. I just liked it.

The second sentence is - "Virtue untested is not virtue, but only theory." Powerful and self-explanatory. When virtue is tested, it is then we see what we are made of and God sees the love we profess for Him tested to see if they prove true.

The third sentence I want to spend a bit more time looking at was based on St. Monica. St. Monica was the mother of a doctor of the Catholic Church, St. Augustine. St. Augustine is studied in many educational fields because of his genius. He is known by many scholars and theologians. For those who have not heard of him, He was born in the late 300's A.D. near present day Tripoli. His mother was Monica, a woman of beauty, great faith and love for God. Her eyes always fixed on eternity. His father Patricus was a Roman citizen who was affluent, powerful, and loved frivals of the world. Augustine took after his father. He was extremely bright and loved the pleasures the world had to offer. His mother prayed fervently for her husband and her son's conversion. They both did eventually. Augustine became a pillar of faith for centuries to come. His most famous writing is "The Confessions of St. Augustine." The sentence that struck me that Janice wrote about St. Monica was this - "She [Monica] understood that the only human tragedy is the loss of an immortal soul." What perspective this sentence gives! I think of Monica telling me, a mother who's child has died, that my experience is NOT a tragedy. Unbelievable, I think. However, it's true. We mourn for all the horrendous happenings in our world. We weep, we suffer with others, we experience devastation, questioning, doubting, etc. Which is part of our humanity. It opens our eyes to others and takes them off oneself. However, when trying to look through Heaven's eyes of eternity, the only time those things become tragic are when souls are lost forever, for all of eternity with NO HOPE. This is truly something for our eyes to weep over, our hearts to break over, our minds to turn over. I think of how my family and friends who's hearts mourn for me and what has happened to us. I am truly thankful and humbled by this. However, I think how most of us know someone who's soul may be in a place away from grace. Why do we not weep more for them? What can I do? There may not always be opportunities to interact but because we live in a spiritual world, we have the chance to pray, fast, and offer sacrifice for them. These are wonderful things I have been learning more about and how to incorporate into my daily routine. I don't have to not eat a meal to give as an offering. I can offer up not putting sugar in my coffee, or honey on my peanut butter toast. I can wake up five minutes earlier than usual. I can wait half an hour later to eat my lunch. Those are all very easy ways to offer sacrifices for souls of danger of being lost - the only human tragedy. We can continue to work on these things together and strengthen the body of Christ, one part at a time.

Next Monday on the 26th, I get to share the day Phillip proposed to me because it was the day after Christmas!! Merry Christmas! May baby Jesus give you wonderful heavenly gifts!

More Monday Thoughts

2011-12-12T18:40:00.000-08:00

Since this time of Advent is the time of preparation for the birth of Jesus, for Christmas, I mentioned last week I've been focusing and learning from Mother Mary. She was and is the woman chosen above all women to carry and prepare for her Son's birth, in the flesh. Her flesh bore life for the Word made flesh. I've been reading a few incredible books right now. One is called "The Secrets of Mary - Gifts from the Blessed Mother" by Janice Connell. I have a hard time putting it down because not only does it talk about Mary and her role when she walked on earth, but her role in our present time. - today, in our hearts, home, society, the earth, and heaven. I have often written about how God uses the natural, the physical world to speak to us, His children. This is true. However, the supernatural must not be underestimated either. There have been and are many supernatural occurrences with many brothers and sisters on this earth today. One must be careful to simply regard or disregard them. Why wouldn't there be? Since Christ is alive and His Holy Spirit is among us, why would there not be such events and encounters? There are. Many choose to believe and embrace them, too many do not. I read these words in Janice's book that I have been contemplating.

"Our Blessed Mother knows us. Her love for us is total. Her words are our hope and our delight.
'You have nothing to fear little children. Rest serene upon the Heart of Jesus. He is your light, your life, your joy, your peace, your living reality. All that is not of Jesus, for Jesus, with Jesus passes away. His love is your ransom. His life is yours. Play little ones. Play in the courtyard of my joy. Enjoy my presence and my blessing.'
Wisdom is a great gift worthy of our highest efforts. The moment of our own personal Apocalypse is set. We know not the day, nor the time that each one of us will be called before the Throne of God to render an accounting of our time on earth. God's mercy is for those who fear Him. To know God is to be filled with joyful awe and wonder at the majesty of our loving God. Such is the beginning of wisdom.
Wisdom teaches us to review our past only with the light of God's mercy. We can all pray with confidence in God's mercy. He hears His children' pleas. He honor even our most modest attempts to love. God redeems mistakes and disappointments that haunt our memory. God has entrusted supernatural gifts of wondrous glory to fragile human vessels. Christ is at work in the world even if it is tarnished by some who have betrayed their human dignity. Jesus promised to be with us until the end of time. And so will He be...We all long to open an inner door and return to our Home in the depths of love and peace and holiness. The key to that door is truth. Truth is visible, but only in the Light...Truth teaches us by experience that we really must either gently surrender into God' s Kingdom of Love, or bear the grief of separation from all that is good and decent and beautiful and life-giving forever...Confusion is of the world, not of Heaven."

There are numerous points that can be touched on in that passage. I hope each of you can listen for the parts that will strike your own core personally. For me, when I read these words, I think of my own little soul, so troubled and weak. But as it sees and hears and absorbs such words, I know they are not merely words, but messengers of grace. For my small and tattered soul gets lifted, strength fills it, wonder and awe surround it, passion and thirst for Truth and Goodness from heaven arise within. Hope and joy are jumping in it, and then it happens. My soul recognizes Him immediately. My God, my Jesus has come to teach and embrace me through these grace filled words of Truth. How do I know it is Him? Because this soul of mine has been transformed a little more in this moment when Mercy itself came down from His throne to kiss it - in all its weakness and wretchedness.

How do I even begin? When I encounter the Spirit through words of Truth such as these? I hear the words of my Mother. I recognize her voice just as any child knows her mother's voice. I read where she says, "All that is not of Jesus, for Jesus, with Jesus passes away." The thought of separation from all that is "good and decent and beautiful and life-giving forever" frightens me to the depth of my being. Nothing on the earth that isn't Him, will last. When my heart loses focus (as it does) the words of our Mother turn it back. It is like I am walking thousands of feet up in the air on a rope. If I look straight ahead at my Lord I make progress on that skinny rope. But if I glance even for a moment anywhere else, or think about the fact that I'm walking on a rope high up, or get distracted with anything. I can't do it. However, when that has happened and does happened I call out like Peter, one of the twelve disciples, "Lord! Save me!" Jesus immediately answers. He sends His own precious Mother to refocus my eyes on the only thing that does not pass away - Jesus. And then the walk on the rope continues once more. No matter what is taken from any of us on this earth - spouse, child, job, money, home, parent, a dream, health, it doesn't matter because all those things pass at some point anyways. The only thing that cannot be taken is our promise of eternity, unless it is our choice to give it up. And in eternity, nothing given to Jesus by God is lost. Any love we have been given and received, we will reunite with it, or I guess I should say...with them.

And just a sweet story from last week-
Phillip and I went on our weekly date on Wednesday. Johnny had watched some of the Mass on the Catholic tv station with Phillip's mom while we were gone. (Which actually was a miracle and supernatural experience in itself .) Anyways...after the Mass was over, they show gold gates opening up to clouds and then images of Jesus, the Holy Spirit, Mary and maybe some others appear. Phillip's mom apparently said to John, "Look Johnny, that's like heaven. Who's in heaven?" John was so excited that when we got home he said "Mom! Dad! I saw heaven on TV!" "You did?" I asked. He then went to tell of the images he saw on the TV. The Holy Spirit then used that "physical" or "natural" image to work in John's soul. John continued, "And mom, I saw Stella." I smiled and asked "You did? What was she doing?" He said, "She was doing a project." (Stella loves projects and crafts like her mom.) "What project was she doing?" I wondered. "She was drawing a picture of her with all the angels. Lots of angels." Beautiful, I thought. "Who was the picture for?" I asked just trying to see if the conversation could continue. "It was for Mama Mary." Later that night I realized it was the Eve of the Immaculate Conception. This is a BIG feast day in the Catholic Church for our Lady. Of course Stella was making a gift for Mary's special feast day. I have read in different books my mystics and others who have encountered heaven while still alive on earth, that on special feast days, all of Heaven has HUGE celebrations. Stella was preparing to celebrate. And John had no idea about the relevancy of the date. Phillip and I were so thankful for God's continuous goodness and mercy to us.

A Lovely Lady Indeed

2011-12-05T16:46:00.000-08:00

I remember as a child how drawn my heart was to Mary, the Mother of God. I remember asking my mom around the age of 4 or 5 to teach me to pray the rosary. I remember in first grade we had to learn and recite a prayer called "Lovely Lady Dressed in Blue". I remember the prayer was on this small holy card. She was so beautiful. I remember examining and studying the picture so carefully. The words touched my little soul. I can still remember the prayer pretty well even from first grade! They talked about Mary holding Jesus as a baby and what she may have done with him - sing to him, hold him on her lap, whisper things of heaven to him, listen for the sound of angels' wings, etc. Somehow the grace of those words captured me as a 6\7 year old child. I think she was starting at a young age to call me to her tender heart, as a mother does to a child. She knew the way to her Son, the way to heaven for me would be sharing her heart. Jesus asked John while He hung on the Cross, He asks us to behold His mother. He asked His Mother to behold John, her "new" son. She takes us all in as her children, Judeo-Christian or not. What does it mean for us to behold her? To behold means "to comprehend, to look upon, gaze at, used for the purpose of calling attention, to see or observe a thing or person especially a remarkable or impressive one". Christ instructed us to do this with His Mother - to look upon her, gaze, study her, to comprehend and understand her, to observe a remarkable soul, for she is used for the purpose to call our attention to her Son, to heaven.

In this road my Father has called our family on, as the mother and heart of my home, our Mother's heart has been imperative for me to behold as we both have been asked to carry the cross of the death of a child. I have mentioned in past posts sharing this with her, learning from her, beholding her on this similar path. Although I share this suffering of the heart with her, I also get to share in a New Advent. I share in a new way a part of HER Advent as we are all called to share the arrival of her Beloved Son, our Messiah, our Savior, our King of Souls. So yes, this Advent is new without Stella, I also get to share in a new way with the Mother of God, awaiting the coming of Christ, the one who brings hope to the earth and freedom in the souls and minds of humankind, who choose His path. So what does this new waiting mean for me this Advent season? I'm not sure. I walk it with trust, grace expectation, and even days of joy. I want my heart to be a ready stable for my humble King. My mother helps me prepare it, just as she prepared for Jesus' birth. I come to her and ask. I sit with her in silence and read her words. Besides the graces and joys of this Holy Season, I wait with great anticipation of a grand and special Christmas gift from Jesus, upon His arrival! As you should too. I look forward to sharing it with all of heaven and you.

"...Those that follow the ways of the world forget to listen for my voice in their adulation and self-esteem. My heart weeps for the sorrow my children heap upon themselves. Please listen for my voice. I have much to tell you. I am Queen of Angels. I am the Mother of God's children. ALlow me to carry you in my heart to the Prince of Peace, the Lord of Lords, the Alpha and the Omega. Peace, little children. Only peace." (Part of prologue a quote from an apparition in "Queen of Angels - Janice Connell).

Let Mary carry you this Advent to the destination she promises!

Taking It Off

2011-11-29T06:40:00.000-08:00

I am actually taking this week off. Regrouping from Thanksgiving weekend and planning our Advent traditions this week. I will resume the usual post on Monday Dec. 5th. God Bless everyone during this first week of Advent!

Perfectly Punctual

2011-11-21T16:26:00.000-08:00

No matter what has been revealed to the soul, or what the flesh repeatedly denies, until we are home, we are still in captivity. I continue to experience every and all aspects of grief. Grief comes to us all in many ways. We experience death many times during our short stay on earth. Death of a loved one, death of a relationship, death of expectations, dreams, desires, death of a season in life, etc. There are many encounters of grief. We are constantly being asked to separate from things in this life. And since we are made for Home, for security, for real Love, the more we try to hold on to things that appear sturdy. It is the soul's way of crying out to its Creator, her King, trying to seek His security and stability, His Love, in mere imitations. The soul may do this multiple times until finally her search ends when she finds her Beloved, the only unmovable, unshakeable, unchanging and mighty pillar, strong enough to be steadfast for all of her uncertainties, wounds, and fears. These encounters, while on this earth, may only last for a brief moment. She seeks so ardently for a mere glance of her Home.

This search in grief can feel daunting and even impossible at times. I saw three connections over the weekend. I remembered a part from the book called "Impact of God" by Fr. Iain Matthew. It is a book based on the teachings of St. John of the Cross. He reminds those who are seeking to remember, the seeker himself is being sought after even more so. He gave the image of a hiker who has gotten lost in the woods. He searches for help endlessly, but if one looks at the larger picture, one would see a helicopter and search teams looking high and low for the one lost hiker. So first thing to remember is when we are searching for a moment with God, He is actually seeking after us even more.

The second thing brought to me was this quote about the soul by John of the Cross - "Let her not fail to pray, and let her hope, in nakedness and emptiness, for he who is good to her will not delay." Jesus does not delay. He doesn't put us off until gets around to it. Or when he is tired of hearing us moan and groan. I must remind myself of the process of all seasons He has for us and His Divine time in all of it. To continue further with that in mind, the Gospel story of Lazarus was the third thing that came to mind as I continue to have my waves of struggle with God's time of calling Stella to Him. There are times those horrible "what ifs" won't seem to stop. I was so thankful as the Scripture literally appeared before my eyes. I went to read the story word for word. It's John 11:1-44. I will pin point what spoke and comforted me.

1.) Mary and Martha's brother, Lazarus, was ill. They were close friends of Jesus. They sent word to Him of their brother's illness. This is what the following verses read, "When Jesus heard this he said, 'This illness is not to end in death, but is for the glory of God that the Son of God my be glorified through it.' Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So when he heard that he was ill, he remained for two days in the place where he was. Then after this he said to his disciples, 'Let us go back to Judea.'" The disciples asked some questions as they were confused by the situation. Jesus knew exactly what He was doing although he waited a couple days before going to Lazarus. So although he physically delayed the trip, He did not delay at all in God's timing for His glory. Jesus had already healed many sick. His followers had seen in thousands of times. He was to show them something much greater - the raising of a man who was dead for FOUR days. He was right on time.

2.) Mary and Martha met Jesus at different times when He arrived and yet they both greeted him with the same accusation. "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." He could have spared them days of grief. If Jesus arrived when Lazarus was ill, but alive, they would have expected the healing, no problem. Again, God's plans were much greater. He pushed His friends faith and partly because of that faith, He did glorify the Son of God and rose the brother from the tomb.

3.)Although Jesus knew what He came to do, He was still suffered profoundly with those mourning. It was noted that he was deeply moved, and actually had anger towards death and He wept. He experienced grief completely in that moment. His heart is so tender to His children even though He knows and sees all, the "bigger picture." I have grownn in more love of Him as He shows this about Himself.

So...the sum it all up. I see in grief when seeking the Healer, He is already ardently looking for me to heal. And although it may feel like he delays or didn't "get there in time", that is not true. His timing is perfect as He continues to do His Father's will. Asking questions is part of grief and the lack of understanding in our humanity and God's mystery. When Jesus comes, He comes to execute and glorify the will of the Father in us. And even when those "if's" arise, our powerful and triumphant God is not bound by ANY of the paths we think we could have or should have taken. He permits and does His will in each of His children, while we cooperate in it. And God makes NO mistakes. A soul's conception and death is neither too late, too early, nor a mistake. His gentle hand guides both the making and the taking.

Last of all, Jesus continues to suffer WITH me. He feels all of my pain inspite of the victorious outcome. He is an intimate Lover, this God of souls.

Time Travelling on Sunday

2011-11-14T19:05:00.000-08:00

I had two unique experiences this weekend with suffering. I have been thankful for the comparison of the two situations for I have learned much. Both situations have to do with the active choices we have in our response to one's own or someone's suffering.

The first experience was awful for me. In my own sensitivity to my cross, I was approached....let's just say, poorly. I have been LOVED and embraced so much and so tenderly, however, I have had many experiences with foolish tongues as well. Some days I can easily brush such "good intentioned" non-prudent comments or encounters. Some days, they just hurt deeply. I don't need to go into details of this encounter, but after it, I left feeling so heavy. I felt as if this cross I'm carrying was undermined and simply pitied. Fortunately, I was able to be embrace by Jesus through the arms and words of my mother-in-law and husband. My soul was renewed and stronger after. God allowed all of it to happen so I might come through better. I see and know how in our human weakness we can be repulsed by suffering when it comes too close. Watching it on the news and offering up a prayer is much different than coming face to face with a person who is deeply suffering. This reaction of our flesh can sometimes override one's compassion and prudence in speech. I know I have been on both ends of the tongue. After God renewed my strength that night, I asked Him to give me someone who was greatly suffering so I could embrace them in the way I was not. I wanted because of my own deep suffering, to suffer with someone else, whether it be for a minute, an hour, or a day. I desired truly and deeply to give someone else in pain, the compassion and comfort I, myself, did not receive. The Lord answered my prayer.

The next day I was given a random opportunity to do just that. I encountered a living saint in the midst of battle, the midst of fire. I got to pray with her and ask my sweet Stella for her unceasing and powerful intercession. My daughter and I were in "business" together! We worked together. It was so special for me. I was given the absolute gift to suffer with another member of the body part of Christ. She serves me in her suffering, she serves all of humanity in her suffering, just as each of us does when it is offered to the throne of God. I felt connected to her in our spirit because we both carry such heavy crosses, different, but heavy. It was the same experience and comfort I receive when I sit with one of my books on a saint. I don't know the soul personally but there is a mutual love and connection, like family.

I can't write for her, so I can't say what her experience was. I can tell you mine. I received a real embrace from heaven. As soon as I put my hand on her, tears filled my eyes because my spirit recognized the Kingdom in her, my Jesus in her. I felt her closeness to heaven. It was overwhelming to me. I received grace for my own suffering and strength from her strength. I saw how we are all bound together through and with Jesus. I experienced being the hands and heart of Jesus for one of His precious souls. When we truly suffer with someone, even if for only moment, torrents of goodness, beauty, holiness, and grace are released. It is undeniable. It is life giving and life changing. Deep and real compassion is completely different than pity. We not only get to be a vessel for Christ when we suffer with someone else, we get to do something truly amazing, something that surpasses time it takes us back over 2000 years.

When we encounter someone suffering, we are encountering the crucified Christ. When we truly embrace a suffering soul, we are telling and showing Jesus as He hangs on His cross, "See, Jesus, I remain. When other have ran away and left you, I... re...main." We comfort our very own Jesus' soul on the path of Calvary, like Simon, Veronica, or His most blessed Mother. Such a task is not always easy because suffering in others can unnerve things in us. But, grace is there. Grace will be there. And if we trust God to get us past those negative emotions and comfort and love a suffering soul, healing in oneself takes place! The only way Jesus can heal each of us is if...We REMAIN.

So...I offer a challenge to every one this week if you're up to it. Ask God to send you someone that you can suffer with, even for a moment. Comfort then from the depth of your soul. It is real encounter between heaven and earth and you will not only give hope to someone in pain, but you will be given much in return. And if you want to email and share your encounter, I would LOVE to hear of it. Blessings

A Confession

2011-11-08T08:09:00.000-08:00

"The very act of willpower even directed toward sanctity, she [St. Therese] understood, could be tainted by self-love that could drive her to try to make herself the saint she wanted to be rather than allowing God to make her the saint she was created to be. She recognized that in use of her willpower she could sometimes be self-serving or even violent to herself or others in her efforts to be good. She was beginning to glimpse that holiness while needing her cooperation, was really a matter of God's doing."

This is a passage from a book on Therese of Lisieux called, "Everything is Grace". I read this part the other night and can't stop thinking about is because I saw my own struggles. A couple of things in particular touched and convicted me. How tender and merciful God is. When He wants to illumine our soul of its errors, He is gentle if we are of a willing and have open heart. He points out the error and then offers help and hope. If one feels shame or defensive, that is a matter of oneself, not from Jesus. For God is a good father with the tender heart of a mother. As long as we are open and responsive, His direction is clear, soft, and piercingly truthful. The soul knows when it is asked to progess in an area.

The word "self-love" screams at me. I see as I read that passage about Therese how much self-love I have!! I can think of times when I was a child where acts of self love arose clearly - tantrums, hitting my sister, or simply being stubborn. However, I think of myself as an adult taking care of others and putting my needs further down on the list, I guess I thought my self love has diminished greatly. I believe it has, but self love is so big that even when it is diminished greatly, what is left, remains large. How cunning is the flesh! Or maybe I should say, how foolish. I see how my self love conitnues to arise in not what I lack to DO, but in the attitude I do it in. It can be so deeply rooted that even when my desire is to become holy, the love of self can mask itself in righteousness and sanctification. I must pose the same question to myself, "Am I becoming the saint I want to be, or the saint God created me to be?" That is a poignant question with a baffling answer if I look at myself with truth. I think - both. I know I'm on the right path to the sanctification God has called me to, however I am sure the methods of travel are influenced to often by selfishness. That no matter how much I want to be good, those efforts are often tainted with self love, or the lack of LOVE I put into such actions. I write these words with thankful conviction, but not crushing despair. For as Therese realized, although holiness and sanctity do need cooperation it is God's work and I mush remind myself of her famous words - EVERYTHING is grace. How much hope there is for my soul, for as my soul is the boat on life's mysterious and treacherous waters, God is no only it's seasoned captain, but the One who made and placed the waters there to begin with.

**On a side note, I think of how Therese was known for her words -everything is grace. I thought if there was a book written about me I could narrow the title down to three options - "Time to Eat", "Stop Touching Her", or "Shhh...Mommy Needs Her Rest." Not quite as inspiring, but a bit comical.

***I realized I hadn't told a story recently of heaven. On All Saints Day, someone gave me a rose from Stella. She told me she saw Stella with her soul's eye and she had a white rose to give to me. However, when the person went to the store to get a white rose there were none! She asked the florist and she told her because of All Saints Day all the white roses were gone. So the person saw a white rose with just a touch of pink on the very tips of the petals. She prayed and asked, "Lord, Stella, what should I do?" She heard the words, "Tell my mom the the pink is from where I kissed it." I thought it was a precious gift. However, two days later I moved the long stem rose from one table to the little side table by my bed. I've been using Stella's side table from her room. It was from Shabby Chic (Chique?). I got her the side table and matching mirror. It is white iron with white roses. However at some point when I redid Stella's room, I wanted more color so I paint the very tips of the petals pink on her table and mirror. When I place the rose on the table I realized they matched perfectly. Only heaven could have planned that!

ALL SAINTS CELEBRATION!!

2011-11-01T09:47:00.001-07:00

Sorry for the late post. I wanted to share the pictures from our Eve of All Saints Celebration. The pictures are in random order of the night. I LOVE this celebration. I didn't grow up doing it and our family didn't start until a few years ago when I was really convicted about it. Anyways... I hope you enjoy seeing all of the PRECIOUS children dressed up as saints and other Biblical characters.

Here's my John doint a Halo toss.

A few fairies still made their way in the mix of the saints. They were lovely.

This girl had the most original costume of the night. She dressed as a tabernacle! She did great.

This was Johnny's favorite game - fishing in the sea of Galilee. One thing I love about the party is that older children from the families help out with the games. It is such a great example to the younger children. It gives the older kids a chance to serve. They are great with the little guys and so encouraging. I love that.

Pumpkin carving contest.

Another game.

The boys LOVE this game of David and Goliath.

Johnny just got his face painted.

This is the end of the march going into the hall. We start outside and sing the Litany of Saints and then the children march into "When the Saints go marching in".

Mother Mary. SOOOO darling!

A sleeping St. Nicholas.

Blessed Juan Diego waiting for the party to begin.

Saint Joseph? I just loved the beard.

I loved her smile.

Another Mother Mary. She was my competition and she definitely won. (Yes, I dressed up. You will see that picture too.)

I forget this saint but I was so impressed by her craft to make that hat!

Look at the t-shirt! This is Gianna who is dressed as my Saint Stella! It was so honoring to my family. Her mom told me she thought of it all on her own! One of the highlights of my night.

Ok, kind of embarassing. The whole dress up thing is NOT my personality but John kept asking me and asking me who I was going to dress up as. I wanted to honor John's desire. I scrambled around right before the party and made myself Mother Mary. Johnny LOVED it! I wanted to do it to convey the importance of the saints and the night. When he saw me, his eyes got big and his mouth dropped as he exclaimed, "Mommy - you look BEAUUUUUUTIFUL!" Haha. My sister-in-law is St. Barbara and her husband is St. Francis Xavier.

My angel Gia. I made her little costume.

Cousins, Mariana and Grace dressed up as St.Clare of Assisi and St. Rita. I made their costumes the day of as well!

Cousin Caleb as St. Caleb and John as St. John the Baptist.

A very excited John the Baptist to get lots of candy.

A couple thoughts on the saints. I grown in much love for them over the last few years. I truly call them my friends as I have called upon them for help and learn of their struggles on this earth. I am missing my saint today. Last week as All Saints Day started to near, Phillip and I had taken John on a date. We went to eat and then had to stop in the store. We were driving to the store after the restaurant and it caught me off guard. We drove past the cemetery Stella's earthly remains are. It was so hard. I immediately ran in my soul to the heart of Jesus. Through tears I begged him to show me something. We got to the store. We ran our errand. I was praying the whole time. This is what Jesus showed me. I looked at the faces in the store. The world feels like such a foreign place to me sometimes. I look in the crowd for something comforting and familiar but I find nothing. I do not belong here I think to myself. I look for a glimpse of Jesus in the crowd. I see all of these people walking with such heavy hearts and long faces. They look terrible to me, but I tell myself each person I see has a soul. Each person I see is eternal. I got home and started reading my book based on the teachings of St. John of the Cross. I immediately feel peace and comfort. I feel my soul spark again and lifted up by this saint. This saint who's physical body has been deteriorating for centuries. However, he is more alive to me than the people I saw with my very own eyes walking in the store. They looked like walking corpses. While my friends in heaven that I cannot see stir in my soul and help me thirst and long for the life of heaven - real life. Therefore, even though those saints have been physically dead for a long time, they appear to me as more alive than many people I encounter on this earth. It was like Jesus was trying to show me not to be deceived by the appearance of some things. The souls gone home are more alive than any of us on earth. Heaven is real. Jesus is alive and working. I am so thankful for this reality. Blessings on all of you on this great Feast Day!

Stella and Another Lamb Story Remembered

2011-10-24T09:26:00.001-07:00

Stella's arms couldn't stretch up any further. She was grunting and squirming in her stroller. "What on earth could she possibly want so bad? I've never seen her do this. She is only a year and half old. She can barely even talk," I thought to myself. I looked up in the direction of her agony. We were in a children's clothing store, but up on a shelf was a small stuffed animal of a LAMB. It had a little pink flower behind each ear. It really was precious. I handed it to Stella. She hugged it tight and held on to it through the rest of our shoppping. I looked at the price tag. It was an extra ten dollars I didn't have. We put it back on the shelf. Stella was sad and but peaceful.

It was the first time I had ever seen her react and want something so much. I was really taken back by it. The next day I went to my in-laws to visit. I was sitting on the couch talking to my mother-in-law and I told her what happened in the store with Stella and the lamb. She asked, "Well did you get it for her?" I said, "No. I didn't have the extra ten dollars for just a toy." The conversation topic changed and we continued to chit chat. The next thing I knew my father-in-law came in the front door with their mail. He handed it to Phillip's mom. We were continuing our casual conversation as she went through the mail. She opened a letter with a puzzled look on her face. She didn't know what it was about, but she knew who it was for. Inside the envelope were exactly ten, one dollar bills. The letter had to do about some survey. She turned to me, held out the money and said, "Well, I guess the Lord wants Stella to have that lamb." I refused it. She simply yet sternly replied, "I want you to get that lamb for Stella and when she gets older, tell her this story and how the Lord gives us the desires of our heart." I smiled at God's little work. The next day I went back to the mall and got Stella her little lamb.

As Stella grew older, I did tell her that story. She loved it. It was one of her favorites. As these memories come to mind, I continue to be amazed at the careful thought and preparation the Lord gave us for such a cross. How the events in my life, as I look at them, have not been a series of reactions, but a lovely thought out flow that connects poignant events. I see the purposeful direction. My God has steered me to and through many things but amazingly enough, there is a unique rhythm to it all. I had no idea that moment in the store would be so significant and speak volumes to me years later. Only God, who is a God of order and beauty down to the smallest details, could have planned something like that.

I pray and think through that moment. I examine it and look at it. I pray for the deeper understanding of it as I see the reason the Holy Spirit has brought it to mind. I know there is something He wants me to see. I am given the grace to grasp something deeper. I hope I can convey it in words. It is pretty intense and maybe even hard for some to understand and believe. I will do my best. So here it goes. I see how a soul is a soul no matter what the age or development. That even if the body and mind are very young or not well developed, the soul in essence is complete. Our soul is the part of us that shares in God's Divinity, in His eternity. It is the imprint of the Father, our Creator in us. As we grow and get older, our body and mind has more capacity to learn of it, to grasp it, to discover the deeper layers of it. However, those infinite layers have been there from the soul's establishment, its beginning. The soul can still communicate with God and even with others through limited physical capability. The desires of a soul has always been present. They are part of the soul's make-up, just as the color of a person's eyes are already set before they are even born. So even if the body and mind cannot speak for it, does not mean the infinite components of the soul do not exist yet. They are very much present. I can think of a couple other examples.

When I was about five years old, I was in school. I can clearly remember this assignment because I felt so passionately even at a young age. We had a blank piece of paper with a fill in the blank at the bottom. The sentence said, "When I grow up, I want to be ______." I wrote "a mom." And then I drew a picture of myself as an adult. I look back at that and remember the ardent longing and desire I had to one day be a mother. Where did that desire come from? I was five years old! With the physical knowledge and communication skills I had at such a young age, I could probably only convey a little bit of what I thought a mother was and did. I could probably tell you a mother was a lady who had babies. And I could probably give you a few examples of what a mother did like - she feeds the kids and takes care of them. As an adult, as a mother, the answer of myself as a five year old, doesn't even begin to explain in depth of what a mother is. My physical capabilities were not fully developed. I was only five. However, my soul still felt a passion for it. I desired it completely. So much so, I remember as I grew older in Jr. High I had a terrible fear God would call me to be a nun or something else. This fear did not derive from not wanting to be something else or a nun; it came from the depths of my longing to me a mother and the possiblity of that not being fulfilled. I wanted it so badly. My soul somehow knew before it could understand, the walk of holiness and happiness God desired for me.

Another clear example is quite simple. Gia is eleven months. She cannot talk, walk, or communicate physically very much. She can't do much physically at all. However, her soul still has some capacity to convey its desires. For example, and I kid you not. This started a few months ago. We go to daily Mass and we have images of Jesus and Mary in our home. When Gia passes by ANY of them she goes nuts. She starts kicking and squirming. I sometimes can barely hold on to her. She starts squealing with joy. She waves at the images and blows them kisses. She reaches out to touch them. She even starts to clap at them. And when we go to receive Communion she gives whoever is the one who hands the Eucharist to me, she gives a GIGANTIC smile. Her mouth cannot get wider and her eyes are squinted shut. Normally, when we encounter a stranger she just stares at them with a judging look. Gia also knows which image is Jesus whether He is in the form of a man, child, or baby. She knows the difference between Mary as well. I ask, "Where's Jesus?" And she can always point him out no matter what age He is. And when there is Mary, she points and says, "Mamam." Her soul, even though her physical being is so young, still communicates of such heavenly things.

I see how even though Stella was so young, her soul, the part of her that is eternal was calling out its desire to her Creator, to her Abba, her Father. He answered back and truly did give her the desire of her heart even if she didn't understand it yet. For it is The Father that placed it in her to begin with while she was fashioned ever so perfectly in my womb. As the body and mind, the person grows, certain formation of the soul takes place. It can mature in the Light of Truth or be hindered by surrounding darkness. However, the soul's presence is not diminished nor does it get bigger. Its value remains the same as when God gave it to a life until the day it returns home. The discovery of each new-found layer is what enlightens each person, but the layers are and always will be there, found or not. Or on the other hand, if the soul is not fed attributes of God - that is what is good, holy, pure, beautiful, etc. the layers and facets will remain hidden. And with much sorrow I say, by one's own self, the soul's existence my even be forgotten all together.

Contrary to what the world teaches, the physical world was intended to point to the realities of the spirit world. The physical world should aid us in the spiritual, not the opposite. It should reflect, make tangible, manifest, and represent the spiritual, whether the good or the evil. It is the same concept of God using the physical world, the natural, to communicate to us the spiritual, the supernatural. We see Jesus do this constantly in the Gospels when He speaks of parables and stories of events with His followers. These stories and parables about His life are not just to know about what He did when He walked on earth, but to learn of the spiritual teaching He has for us. He continues to speak through us in similar ways. So as I see it, the physical story of Stella in the store speaks to me of the spiritual teaching. Just as my soul spoke of my desire at a young age of the path that would lead me to a deeper awareness of God, so did hers. I see that story as another preparation for the great calling God had for my Stella and my family. If we carefully and prayerfully listen to the desires that our SOUL speaks from the depth of us, not the desires of the flesh, we see we are actually responding to our God, the One who place them there in each of us from our very beginning. He loves us so and has triumphant plans for each of us.

Well, I hope I was able to convey fairly clearly my enlightenment. I know it's pretty deep. I feel like I could only touch on the surface through writing what I was shown. Praise be to God forever.

**Just for fun, I also wanted to show you a picture of the name craft I did for Gia. I always do one for children's rooms. I hope to share more work as I am able to do it. I was inspired by some letter I saw at Anthropologie so I did my own version. I hand painted the G. I bought a number "1" at a hardware store, flipped it upside down and added some buttons and the heart shaped rock we found on the beach when we went to visit my family in August. I painted it and used it as the dot on the "i". The letter A, I stitched fabric and placed it on a board I covered with an old vintage children's book page. I then found the little black shelf at the goodwill for a few dollars. So...my project cost me about $15-20 dollars, with the metal "1" being the most expensive item at about $9; instead of buying manufactured letters from Anthro for over $50. YAY! It was fun.

Silence is Not Golden, it's a Gift

2011-10-17T14:26:00.000-07:00

I cannot help but continue to think of the gift of silence. Silence can also seem a bit strange and uncomfortable as well. However, once I got passed the initial squirming that comes with it, the beauty through it is necessary and revelling to my soul. (I don't that "revelling" is a word, but it's just what came out in my writing so I'm leaving it). I remember four to five years ago when I was reading about the call to silence in the home, I became convicted of it. (By silence in the home, I mean eliminating or cutting down on unnecessary or as much outside noise as possible. Not the interaction of the family, or talking, or sounds out doors.) I worked on keeping the "outside" noise to a minimum. I designated certain days to run errands, specific times the children and myself could watch TV, driving without the radio or music, and even trying to limit phone conversation and calls. I gradually worked my way into each one of these tasks, building on each step to more quiet and contemplation in our home, or our "domestic church", as Blessed JPII calls it. For our homes, our families, give us great opportunities to strive for greater holiness and is a place where God dwells. Becoming aware of these things is much easier done when we quiet our lives as much as possible. Silence eliminates many unnecessary distractions. This venture of mine was more difficult than I had thought.

At night I got into the habit of after the children would go to bed I would just plop on the couch and find something to watch on TV. It was my time to unwind and zone out before bed. This is a wonderful thing to do. It is good to have some time to relax at the end of the day. However, spending it infront of the TV isn't the only way. I needed to check my moderation of such a habit. I can picture one evening when the children were sleeping, actually I only had Stella at the time, so when Stella was asleep. Phillip ran out to get ice cream or something. I sat down to watch TV. I decided to challenge myself to not turn on the TV just until Phillip got home and simply sit on the couch in silence. So I couldn't go distract myself with another task. I actually sat there fighting myself! I would watch the clock feeling like he was taking hours. I would even give in and turn the TV on a few times for a minute and then I would tell myself, "No, turn it off, you can do this." That is how much I relied on distraction, noise, entertainment, etc. Phillip would be gone for a total of about thirty minutes and I would literally be battling myself the whole time! Gradually, such a task became easier and conquered and I would move on to the next one. This little story is so humbling as I sit here thinking of what I am writing. But it's true. I didn't think it would be as challenging as it was. I was surprised by how strong and large my human weakness is, eventhough I shouldn't be. It is just a reminder of how and who I am without God - very helpless and pathetic indeed. I say that with conviction and gratitude. I am not discouraged by it. Instead, I am relieved. For the more aware of my weakness and helplessness I am, the freer I become. For I know that Jesus promises to make up all that I lack and that all things in life have God's hands on them. He and I both know how by myself, everything is a mountain for me to climb. I do not expect to do much on my own. However, with His grace the mountains become mounds that can simply be stepped over. As long as they are the mounds He wants me to conquer.

Anyways...back to silence. So this goal I had years ago has been up and down, just as life is. There are days and seasons when no silence has been obtained. For instance, after we have a new baby, the TV is on much more for the other little ones. And that is okay too. For as St. Therese says, "EVERYTHING is grace". She said during the last months of her life when she could not receive the Eucharist because of her illness, and her sisters felt so terrible for her, Therese would say that receiving the Sacraments is a grace, but that if there are times when God does not permit it, that too is grace as well, because everything is grace. However, over all I do try to make silence in our home a general goal.

I ask myself as I ponder these things, "What have I undeservedly gained from silence?" More than I know I am sure. More silence in our home has helped me focus on the mundane tasks God gives us to become more like Him. It aids my awareness of heaven's presence and communication through ordinary life, making it extraordinary. In silence, my soul hears the quiet voice of the Holy Spirit, for He is soft and gentle. Jesus spoke these words about silence to St. Faustina, "Strive for a life of recollection so that you can hear my voice, which is so soft that only recollected souls can hear it."

The silence helps even our children know their parents are available to talk to them, listen, spend time and play with them. It makes us as parents more approachable and available to our children. The PRACTICE of silence and recollection helps me to learn of my own self, my interior life, my soul, Jesus' Kingdom on this earth. This practice helps me to learn to remain at peace no matter what challenges lay before me. It helps create a haven in our home from the chaos of the world, for anyone who enters it. One of my favorite things it has done is it has led the way to many blessed, fruitful and anointed conversations with Phillip and the children. I believe our striving for silence helped open the door for Stella's soul to blossom so much as it did. It was a tool for her own soul's preparation to go Home. For that alone, I am deeply grateful.

But tonight, I am going to enjoy going out with Phillip and maybe even watching a movie if it's not too late. So silence is not on the list for tonight. Blessings!

Conversation of the Merciful God with a Soul Striving after Perfection

2011-10-11T19:44:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to share a passage from Divine Mercy in My Soul - The Diary of St. Faustina. It is titled by Faustina as - "Conversation of the Merciful God with a Soul Striving after Perfection."

"Jesus: I am pleased with your efforts, O soul aspiring for perfection, but why do I see you often sad and depressed? Tell Me, My child, what is the meaning of this sadness, and what is its cause?

Soul: Lord, the reason for my sadness is that, in spite of my sincere resolutions, I fall again into the same faults. I make resolutions in the morning, but in the evening I see how much I have departed from them.

Jesus: You see, My child, what you are of yourself. The cause of your falls is that you rely too much upon yourself and too little on Me. But let this not sadden you so much. You are dealing with the God of mercy, which your misery cannot exhaust. Remember, I did not allot only a certain number of pardons.

Soul: Yes, I know all that, but great temptations assail me, and various doubts awaken within me and moreover, everything irritates and discourages me.

Jesus: My child, know that the greatest obstacles to holiness are discouragement and an exaggerated anxiety. These will deprive you of the ability to practice virtue. All temptations united together ought not disturb your interior peace, not even momentarily. Sensitiveness and discouragement are the fruits of self love. You should not become discouraged, but strive to make My love reign in place of your self love. Have confidence, My child. Do not lose heart in coming for pardon, for I am always ready to forgive you. As often as you beg for it, you glorify My mercy.

Soul: I understand what is the better thing to do, what pleases you more, but I encounter great obstacles in acting on this understanding.

Jesus: My child, life on earth is a struggle indeed; a great struggle for My kingdom. But fear not, because you are not alone. I am always supporting you, so lean on Me as you struggle, fear nothing. Take the vessel of trust and draw from the fountain of life, - for yourself, but also for other souls, especially as are distrustful of My goodness. "

I hope this uplifts the journey you are on this week. Blessings!

Posting Today

2011-10-11T08:18:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the delayed post. I will be posting tonight. The children have been under the weather and I went to a healing service last night. I got home later than I anticipated and I was too tired to type. I will post after the children go to bed tonight.

IMPOSSIBLE

2011-10-03T09:34:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about a fact I recently heard. A mother carries cells from each child through her entire life. Furthermore, she carries even more if the child never reached full term. I've just been dwelling on this amazing way God created women. I think about how it must be biologically impossible for a mother to ever forget her child. Each one leaves an imprint not solely on her emotions, mind, and soul but on her physical body! I think of how I will carry physical parts of Stella in myself the rest of my time on earth. My mind is trying to wrap itself around such a wonder. It is so beautiful to me. I cannot help but think of the passage Is. 49:15, "Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget I will never forget you." I dwell upon how God made it biologically impossible for a mother to forget her child and yet in this verse He tells us even IF the IMPOSSIBLE came to pass, He still could NEVER forget us. I am thankful for this because I know a soul such as mine, could never live for even a moment without Him. I can live without my daughter for a time while I am on this earth, but not my Jesus. Furthermore, I am confident in His love for me that no matter how he tried, he too could not stay away from me either. He feels this way about each of us.

I hear these words speak from the depths of my soul. My sould tells me, "Francesca, do you not perceive it? Suffering is NOTHING. I say it again, suffering is nothing, and yet it is EVERYTHING. For in suffering I am promised my life. I am promised His Kingdom. I am promised HOME! I say to myself, "I don't like it. I can't do it. It hurts too much. Please Jesus, ask someone else. Someone holy. Someone stronger." But then I hear the words, "But my child, who? If not you, then who?" There is no other way. He would not call me here, if He couldn't give me greatness; if He didn't have ALL of heaven to give. Yes, life moves forward. There are many joys to share with Him and my loved ones on earth, but it CAN NOT steal my heart from the place I am MADE for. It can NOT steal my heart form the hands that formed me, the hands I am made for. So then, how then do I carry on? How do we do this Jesus? Through silence. A soul cannot thrive if it is choked by the chaos of the world. On the contrary, a soul will experience freedom and pieces of heaven in the simplicity of silence. He loves me too much to let me go. Every tear I shed is kept in heaven and when I come, they are transformed into precious jewels for the crown that I have been fashioning on this earth. We are daughters and sons of Royalty. I must go now and quiet my soul, for my King has treasures of heaven to whisper to it.

We are never forgotten. Let us strive this week to quiet down our days and not forget Him who surrounds us! Blessings upon you all!! All is well.

Some Pictures and a Thought to Go with Them

2011-09-26T20:01:00.000-07:00

More pictures as promised!! A gift I do not have is taking pictures. I rarely EVER take pictures of my children or anything else. So my options for postings are limited. I wanted to scan some pictures of when I first met Phillip fifteen years ago but the scanner wouldn't let me. Here is Gia and Johnny crashed out on our bed. We all slept together for a little while after Stella died. Gia is pretty young in this picture. I need to take some newer ones of her because she's grown so much.

Here's Johnny right after Gia was born almost a year ago. He was carrying this picture of one the Disney car characters around everywhere. I taped in numerous times. He wouldn't leave it out of his sight. Gosh, John looks so much younger!

Stella and Johnny in jammies. Again, right after Miss Gia was born. We were inside ALOT!

Here's Johnny showing us his long hair before we buzzed it.

Stella holding her newborn sister. One day when I was nursing Gia, Stella was playing "animal" and just stopped out of the blue. She came up to Gia and kissed her and said, "Gia, someday you are going to be a GREAT saint." Then she continued on in her play. I can't wait to pass those words on to Gia. Gia already takes Stella's picture and kisses it and makes endearing coos at it. I say to Gia, "Yes, Stella." And Gia replies, "Wada". I like to think she is saying "Stella". That 's the only time I hear her use that word. Gia and I sit on my bed and I give her a picture of Jesus and a picture of Stella and she goes NUTS over the pictures. It brings me such joy.

Here's my girl at tennis lessons. She was really athletic for a five year old.

Here's Johnny at Stella's fifth birthday. Everyone got animals on their faces but John had to have a....CAR. No surprise.

Stella with two of her cousins. I look forward to watching them all together in heaven someday. I miss their relationship so much. There is Stella in all her animal birthday glory. Her joy amazes me.

So there are some more pictures. I'll try to do better next time. I wanted to share one thought about this last week. I was in the kitchen doing whatever and outside of the window is a fig tree. I looked outside here and there as I was busy cleaning seeing the birds hop around looking for food. Suddenly I couldn't help but stop and take a good look because I saw around twenty sparrows in this tiny spot under the fig tree. I watched as they all busied themselves pecking at the earth. Immediately I thought of the Matthew 10:28-31 "Do not fear those who deprive the body of life but cannot destroy the soul. Rather, fear him who can destroy both body and soul in Gehenna. Are not two sparrows sold for next to nothing? Yet not a single sparrow falls to the ground without your Father's consent. As for you, every hair of your head has been counted; so do not be afraid of anything. You are worth more than an entire flock of sparrows." As I watched these sparrows I thought of not only was the Father providing food for a few of them but He was giving a flock of them an entire feast! I was comforted and reminded of care and concern my Father has for me and my family. Thank you Lord for getting my attention for a brief moment to show me that. Amen.

** This week I am hoping to add another tab on the blog. It will be called "Your Blessings Shared". I would like anyone who would like to share any blessings they've received on it. You can change names and relationships to keep it somewhat private. I hope we can encourage each other with them. I would specifically LOVE sharings if you have had any experience with my Stella's intercession for you or a loved one. Many people have shared stories with me but I would love to have it on the blog to look at it to uplift my own soul and yours as well. Please look for the tab and pray about anything you would like to share. Thank you!

Service is Sanctuary

2011-09-19T20:49:00.000-07:00

The last week was filled with much darkness for me. It seemed no matter how hard I searched, prayed, and cried for help I could not receive it. The darkness can make a clear path seem covered in fog. However, the path still remains the same. Those times feel infinite and exhausting. It feels like the more I tried to figure it out, the worse it appeared. So what does a soul do in such a time? Serve steadily. I am so thankful the darkness of grief has lifted the last couple days and rays of light have penetrated it. I look back at the week to reflect and learn from it. I see my sanctuary was in my service to my family. For as long as we stay true to our calling during such violent storms, we will come through not only safe, but even, enlightened.

As I continue to think about serving, God has been so good to confirm such thoughts. I have seen and heard the word "serve" EVERYWHERE! I took it as a "you're on the right track with your thoughts, Francesca" kind of sign. In such a difficult place, a soul can often be tempted to turn from God, question Him, or even possible reject Him. It is a horrific place to be. Service in one's vocation acts as a shield of great protection from such temptations and from even oneself. It protects the soul from grave damage. I realized when I serve in my vocation even in such a difficult place, my spirit is WILLING my flesh to choose right, to choose Love. I can be "screaming and kicking" on the inside but still serving God with my actions. I believe our loving Father looks at such an act with great tenderness and accepts such offerings with eagerness because a "feel good" emotion does not drive them. I am so thankful for the vocation the Father has given me. It is my path of sanctification. Service is humility. Humility is a virtue. Virtues lead us to sanctification and sanctification leads us Home.

I thought about Sirach 3:20-22. It tells us what humility is. It says under the title "HUMILITY" - "What is too sublime for you, seek not, into things beyond your strength, search not. What is commited to you, attend to; for what is hidden is not your concern. With what is too much for you meddle not, when shown things beyond human understanding." So as I dwell on this, I think of how practicing humility is to serve and take care of the things given to me and to try not to fall into the temptation of "having to have all the answers right now!". On darker days, practicing humility is painful. I fail and fall on my face too often. By trying to figure out the things beyond my strength and beyond human understanding, I waste much of my time and energy. Time and energy that could be used for the glory of my Creator, for my husband, my family, a stranger, etc. However, I trust in Jesus' mercy for me as He continues to use such fallings for His glory. Again, He'll even use the scraps from us if we are willing to give them.

So as those moments have now passed, (Thank you Jesus) and the eternal perspective is in better view, I think of Zelie Martin (St. Therese of Lisieux's mother). She lost four children, including a five year old and then had five daughters who all became nuns. She would often proclaim in her house hold that it was an absolute waste of one's time to search for happiness on this earth. I try to remind myself of her words as I know I will not regret a second of this temporary suffering when my eyes open to the majesty of my Homeland. Thank you Lord for giving such hope to my undeserving soul.

Oh, and I have some more pictures I will be placing on the blog in the next week or so. Just a heads up. And Johnny, Gia and I found three sparkly stars on the ground when we went to Mass this morning. It was a nice hello from Stella. Please continue to pray for us, as we pray for you!

The Severed Limb

2011-09-12T20:19:00.000-07:00

How does one come to terms with such a drastic and quick change of course? It's as if someone cut off my leg and then demands "WALK! WALK!" Impossible it seems. But then I look at us and see that it is not. St. Faustina writes, "When I see that the burden is beyond my strength. I do not consider or analyze it or probe into it, I run like a child to the Heart of Jesus and say only one word to Him: 'You can do all things.' And then I keep silent because I know that Jesus Himself will intervene in the matter, and as for me, instead of tormenting myself, I use that time to love Him." Faustina reiterates one of the messages of the Gospels, that God can do ALL things and that NOTHING is impossible for Him. I see this to be true because I live it. For walking with a severed limb is impossible. That is why my Jesus stoops down from His mighty thrown in heaven and the moment my eyes open upon the morning light, His arms are already under my weak, handicapped self, ready to carry me to fulfill and perform the duties he has before me that day.

I have brought this very question up to Phillip and have asked, "How did our whole life change in a second?" Phillip's response was lovely. He always seems to have a wise answer for every question I pose. He said, "Life is full of such fast changes. It's just the difficult ones we dwell on more." He continued on and said, "I can think of plenty of other moments my life changed in an instant that I am so thankful for." I, the spouse that tends to lean towards the "cup half empty" responded, "Like what?" He comes in close and puts his arms around me, "Like...the second time I saw you. Or...the moment we were married. And the moment we found out we were pregnant with each of our children, and of course the moment they were all born. See, we've had lots of life-changing moments that have blessed us in abundance." He leans in even closer, "And do you know what Francesca? This one will too." I looked at him with a smile of peace and gratitude.

I thought of all Phillip said and pondered it. I thought of another moment that was the most significant life changing experience. The moment Jesus completed His Passion. I have fallen into the temptation of throwing myself in the multitude of souls He saved by His death and resurrection. It was at times hard for me to truly believe that Jesus personally and solely went through the Cross for ME. A few years ago, I read some words that silenced such thoughts. The words are this -

"Consider how important each soul is to Me. Consider Me, Jesus, in the form of my humanity. As I suffered anguish in the Garden, I was tempted with every form of temptation. Let us say that the enemy offered Me every soul on earth, but one. For stepping away from the chance of saving this one soul, I could escape the cross. Add to the consideration that this one soul might reject Me and be lost anyway. Would I be tempted? Would you?

Now consider that this one soul was yours. What do you think I would say? I assure you, My beloved, I said NO. Do not hold back from Me, little servants. Do not sidestep the Divine Will. Your family needs you and I need you."

Whether one believes Jesus himself said that, makes no difference. For those words are simply another layer of the Truth given to us through the Holy Scriptures. The greatest moment in all of history from the eyes of man appeared like the greatest defeat. How important it is to try to view EVERYTHING through the eyes of heaven. For on that day of Christ's death, while those on earth cried in agony, Heaven exploded with cries of victory, because death no longer had any power over us, the inheritors of the God Father.

So Phillip is right. For even though our lives did change in a moment, through the illumination of God, it does not have to be a moment of defeat, but of victory. I write these words not with real understanding, but with deep faith. I write them with hope and what I KNOW to be true. I write them because I CHOOSE Love. Furthermore, I know the Love that I have chosen DOES DO ALL THINGS and NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR LOVE.

Again, onward we go, one day further from my tragedy, one day closer to heaven.

Boy Meets Girl

2011-09-06T19:33:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share another way the Father started preparing Phillip and I years ago for this time. I want to share the story of how Phillip and met over fifteen years ago. Both of our families were\are a part of a Catholic Charismatic gropu called City of the Lord (COTL). Phillip's family belongs to the main branch in Phoenix while my parents are a part of the MOnterey branch in Northern California. In 1996 a significant event happened to one of the families in Phoenix that started a wave of evangelization for the youth. This family grew up around the corner from Phillip's family. They are one of the Morgan's closest friends. They both had children that coincided with ages, therefore they grew up together. Their oldest son is still one of Phillip's closest friends and is actually Stella's godfather. Anyways...They have six children. The second oldest girl, Maren was Phillip's sisters, Monica and Elizabeth's best friend. At the age of 19, Maren was playing in a volley ball game and just dropped to the floor. Her life on earth was complete. She made it to her home in heaven. It was devastating, shocking, and completely unexpected. Because of this sacrifice a renewal in COTL occured focusing on the youth. Therefore, a couple of months later they held a youth retreat in Arizona. I was fourteen at the time a few weeks away from eigth grade graduation. My parents sent my older sister, Alexis and I with other teens to Arizona. This was my first Christian Youth experience. Alexis knew some of the teens already because she had gone to summer camp with them and to the first World Youth Day. I had never done any of that. I had NO idea this weekend was to be absolutely life changing. I was to meet two very special individuals, my future husband and the Holy Spirit.

The first night of the retreat was a "social". I was sitting in a small group of the few people I knew from home. I felt so shy and awkward. The night had been going on and towards the end, the doors suddenly opened. A wave of energy immerged in the stagnant air. A small group of highschoolers entered the room. Maren's brother, two of Phillip's sisters, Monica and Elizabeth, and of course Phillip. I remember seeing everyone's reaction as they all walked in. They were so joyful and seemed to light up the room. I couldn't keep my eyes off of Phillip. His confidence and joy at the young age of 17 astonished me. The way he interacted with everyone drew me in (His athletic appearance helped too). I actually thought his sister Elizabeth was his girlfriend because he was so loving and attentive to her. The next day, he asked my sister to introduce us as he thought I was a cute little girl (I was definitely not an early bloomer). He commented to me how when I turned 18 he would take me on a date. I tried not to take it too seriously since I saw him talking to quite a few girls that weekend and heard MANY girls talk about him. I knew for me, I had never met anyone like him before.

As for my personal encounter with the Holy Spirit, I was prayed over and my soul was stirred in a new way. I fell in LOVE with my God. I knew He was real and that He loved me. This sparked the journey of a personal relationship with my Jesus and brought to life my Catholic faith I grew up in. It was truly a new beginning for me and I knew there was no turning back. I was in for the long hawl. A couple months pass...

Monica and Elizabeth came to visit my family and then we were to drive to camp in Southern Cali. It would be my first camp experience. I was hopeful to see Phillip again. After a long, hot, weary drive we were suppose to go to a counselor meeting. We were late. Phillip's sister, Monica and I walked up to the building and she pointed towards the big window and said, "Look! there's my brother." My heart skipped a beat. I smiled and waved. He shyly grinned and gave me a reserved wave. Monica turned to me and said, "Wow, I've never see my brother act like that towards a girl before." "Like what?" I asked. "Like...shy." If you ask Phillip, he'll tell you that was the moment. That was the moment the Holy Spirit moved in him. He said he knew at that moment, he was going to marry me.

Something terrible happened, I actually got really sick. I had to stay with the nurse. I was in bed all week. I was devastated because my hope was to interact with Phillip during camp activities. The Lord knew and worked it out. Phillip came to visit me all week long. He would come and just sit and talk with me. I couldn't believe this older, hansome, star athlete was spending so much time with this little girl. The last night of camp he asked if we would be "prayer partners". He told me he would be praying for me every day and I would do the same for him. So that's what we did. My attraction for him was a tool the Lord used to establish a consistent prayer time. Instead of just day dreaming about this guy in Arizona, I got on my knees and prayed for him all the time. I couldn't forget Phillip, therefore I couldn't forget to pray for him either. The Holy Spirit is brilliant. (And for those who have discerned that marriage is their vocation, even if you have no one in prospect, PRAY for your future spouse. Phillip started praying for his (me) in third grade!)

From that time on, Phillip and I had other encounters through other retreats, camp, and an occasional phone call or letter. We never declared anything for each other. We continued on with the life God had for us in the place He had us - Arizona and California. He went to college in San Francisco, I went to college in Indiana. We dated here and there to pass the time as we waited for another encounter with each other. The prayers never ceased. I remember shortly after camp I sat before the Lord and poured my heart out to Him about my thoughts and feelings about Phillip. I knew it would be many years before anything could ever seriously happen between us. I knew much of life would have to take place. I pleaded with Jesus and told him "Please, Lord, even if I somehow over time I forget about Phillip, please, do not forget." I placed that desire in the Lord's hands. And He not only didn't forget, He helped us flourish. Phillip and I often talk of how, from a distance, the Lord used us to protect each other. I could never get very serious with anyone else because I compared all to Phillip. I knew what was out there and no less would suffice. Phillip felt the same way. Phillip, as a guy with athletic scholarships, looks, brains and personality held back from many temptations with girls because He wanted to offer the best he could to me someday. The perseverence through eight years before we married taught us much and we were given much grace because we were open to it. We then had an exclusive, long distance relationship the last two and half years of my time in college, knowing we had already made the CHOICE to love one another. I truly believe and know all of those years, the longing, the heart ache, the waiting, the not knowing, and the perseverence increased virtues for us for this time right now. I think of the Book of Songs where it says, "Do not arouse or awaken love before its time. For as strong as death is love, unyeilding as the grave, nothing will quench its flame." There was grace for that as well. In my youth, if Phillip would have asked me to be with him from the age of fourteen, I would have said yes. But the Holy Spirit gave Phillip the gift of prudence. And we both knew it simply was not time. If we had decided to be impulsive and give it a shot early on, I cringe to think what could have happened - emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc. I have always struggled with patience, but through God's grace I was forced to accept such a beautiful virtue. There are so many moments to share over all the years, but that is essentially how it all started. Youth and singles, please hold out for the best. God does not want you to settle for ANYTHING less. In the mean time, let us all work on obtaining such heavenly virtues, for in them we become more like the image and likeness of God we are MADE to be. The path Phillip and I were called to take to get to each other was HARD, but absolutely heavenly. I have no doubt that any road if we are allowing the Creator to lead us on, no matter how difficult will bring an ABUNDANCE of Love. I have already experienced that in my finding of Phillip. God has no lesser path for any of us. Thank you Father!

Internet Problem

2011-09-06T06:54:00.000-07:00

The internet wasn't working last night when I went to post. So as long as it continues to work today I will post tonight after the children are in bed. Sorry about that. I hope everyone's long weekend was relaxing.

I'm Suppose to do What with God's Will?!

2011-08-29T21:44:00.000-07:00

I can't help but share this beautiful passage from St. Faustina. Tears rolled down my face as I read it because it touched me so. She writes,

"Sorrow will not establish itself in a heart which loves the will of God. My heart, longing for
God feels the whole misery of exile. I keep going forward bravely - though my feet become
wounded - to my homeland and, on the way, I nourish myself on the will of God. It is my
food. Help me, happy inhabitants of the heavenly homeland, so that your sister may not falter along the way. Although the desert is fearful, I walk with lifted head and eyes fixed on the
sun; that is to say, on the merciful Heart of Jesus."

I offer these words directly from my own heart while revelations in them strengthen my soul. I found a letter recently Stella wrote to Jesus this last Christmas. I asked her to write a card to Him telling Him of the gifts she wanted to give Him because Christmas is His birthday after all. The most precious part of her letter was the way she addressed Him. She wrote, "Jesus, You are the Star of Heaven." I thought of Stella's words when I read how St. Faustina referred to the merciful Heart of Jesus as the sun, or actually a star. How wise and poetic Stella is. When I pray I sometimes address Him with those same words. I ask for the grace to LOVE the will of God so the sorrow I carry will not reside in it permanently. I can't imagine a refusal from such a request.

I have been asking the Holy Spirit to enlighten me more on "the will of God" and what it means to love it. Generally speaking, I know the will of God is beautiful. His will is for us to follow after His Son and choose to live with Him forever in Heaven. What is not to love about that? However, it is the path asked of us to such a destination that can make LOVING the will of the Father a bit difficult. My flesh does not"feel" an ounce of love for such a road. So I ask myself, how do I truly love the will of the Father? I pray fervently for the grace to know it, desire it, accept it, and even endure it. But real freedom of the spirit can only be reached if I actually go beyond all of those things and LOVE it no matter how much my flesh cringes at it.

I wonder how I am suppose to bring God's will to me in the present, not just my future in eternity. A visiting priest at our parish said these words in a homily recently, "EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED IN YOUR LIFE IS THE WILL OF GOD." So simple, so true. If God allowed it, He willed it. Our sinful nature plays a role in choices we may have made but we have never, not once "surprised" God. He works with all the scraps I have as long as I give them. I look back at my life and am truly amazed at how much He protected me. (Maggie, think about the time we got lost in the middle of the night in Rome in those scary parts of the city. How did something NOT happen to us? It wasn't God's will.) Anyways...When I think of that homily I must look at my life and choose to love all of it, past, present, and future because my life is God's will.

As I continue to contemplate on truly loving God's will an image came to my mind. I saw Jesus standing before me holding Stella's hand. There was a curtain next to them. He laid out the sacrifice He would ask of me and said, "If you choose to accept and cooperate, I will show you the souls that will be saved." I see my Stella's face. I look at my Jesus' face. She smiles and nods almost urging me. I look into Jesus'eyes and I love Him, I love Him tenderly and profoundly. I want my daughter so badly. But I trust Him. My soul responds and somehow from a place that is all mystery, I say "Yes" although I tremble. Questions appear in my head and in my agony I ask, "What souls could possibly be worth this sacrifice?" Immediately the curtain draws back and I see two very familiar faces. I see Johnny and Gia, beaming and joyful. And immediately the trembling stops and not only peace enters me, but actually even - gratitude. For my perspective of such a request is altered. For now I feel courage, strength, and fortitude. For as a mother knows, she will go through any and all possible torments for the sake of her child. Even if it means offering up one on this earth, so she may have them all with her FOREVER. She sees and understands in full the fruits of her yes.

To me, this is how I must come to learn how to truly LOVE the will of God even when at first glance it appears horrifying. For looking at it through the example of the vision, how can I not help but love His will of love? One could wonder if there could be another way, another path to walk instead. The answer is no. There could not because if it isn't ALL it isn't Love. There couldn't be another road for Christ and He invites us to follow His footsteps. It is the only road to eternal life. (*Note the vision given is meant for teaching purposes, not to be taken literally. One could place any loved one behind the curtain. The purpose is a didactic one for me.)

So in such a scenario inspired by the Holy Spirit, I am beginning to see how I can take the first step to actually loving the will of the Father, not just when it "pleases" me, not just accept, ask for it, endure it. For as Faustina said, since sorrow cannot establish itself in a soul that loves the will of God, what then will in fact reside in such a soul? Freedom, Heaven, God. Therefore, it will be my life's goal, that is, learning to LOVE the will of our Father.

Jesus the Janitor

2011-08-22T14:03:00.000-07:00

I'm sure what I've been thinking about recently is a pracitice many of you already do, but it's a newer one for me. I've known of it most of my life and have possibly even done it at other times; however I'm restarting it. A couple of months ago I felt like everything I read or heard mentioned a daily examination of conscience. I figured the Holy Spirit was trying to tell me something. I got the message. I started writing down at the end of the day the things I recalled I did that did not please the Lord. I was utterly amazed at how long my list was each day! It was wonderful. I told the Lord that since my list is so long I am the perfect candidate for him to drench and drown me in His mercy. So...

Life continues and I started to forget or get too tired at the end of the day to contemplate my short comings. Jesus was not pleased with this and He reminded me again. I was having a hard morning (what else is new). My compassionate husband was holding me as I was wailing. I said to him in my agony, "I just want Jesus. Where is He?" Johnny, my son, was playing, minding his own business. He nonchalantly walked in the room and said, " Jesus is over there, by the window." I asked, " Well, what is He doing?" John continued "Cleaning the windows. O, and now he's over by the mirror cleaning it...And now he's cleaning these windows and Stella's helping." I thought it was such an odd thing to say. Phillip then said, "Yes, son. He IS cleaning the windows, so that we can see better." Phillip picked up on the way the Lord wanted to use John to speak to me.

That same night I started a "Consecration to the Immaculate Heart of Mary". In the very first passage, Mary's words were this: "I tell you, your hearts are a window to your soul; the Act of Consecration opens this window. Your soul is like a prism, it is designed by God to reflect Him. If there are any impurities in this prism, it cannot reflect the glory that was intended. To bring clarity to the soul, you must pray. Only through prayer may all impurities be dissolved."

Needless to say, after that day, after such a clear instruction, I have been fervently trying to sit at the end of each day and reflect on where I need more grace to overcome my MULTITUDE of weaknesses. I have experienced the grace to accept more and more the humility my soul longs for. After all, it is one thing to sit once and awhile and think of one's own faults, but to do it daily is a humbling yet imperative act. It does not discourage me when I do this. It aids me. I know Jesus is taking care of all the rest. I can present to him my "dirty windows and mirror" as I do at the end of the day but just as Johnny saw, it was Jesus actually doing the cleaning (with Stella's help). Therefore I approach him with great confidence. My job is to look and expose all the dirt so my saving Jesus can purify and clean the eyes of my soul. They can then reflect the glory it was intended for. The day continues as it holds much more work for me to do.

OOPS!

2011-08-18T07:46:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. We were on vacation visiting my family in California. I had a post ready to type up there and I just completely forgot! I was completely off schedule up there! I will resume on this Monday August 22. Sorry about that. We had a blessed trip, thank you Jesus.

Francesca

Small Souls

2011-08-08T20:27:00.000-07:00

Today I speak to all "small" souls. I write because of my deepest gratitude for them. I know I could not bear this time in my life without the grace they have obtained for me. The gift of a "small " soul comes in many packages. It is a gift that many do not choose to open. My heart bleeds at the blessings lost. Do we not have that saying that the greatest gifts come in small packages? I believe the smaller the package, the greater the gift. I learned and continue to learn from first hand experience, of how even the smallest of souls fulfill great purpose. A grave work was done and continues on in my life because of these very small souls.

I think I've mentioned how Stella's conception was a shock to Phillip and I, but here's the recap. Stella was conceived on our wedding night. I know that for a fact. Phillip and I waited until we were married and we also practice Natural Family Planning. I remember telling him that if my cycle showed signs of fertility on our wedding night, we would not consumate our marriage because I was not "ready" to get pregnant. I had "big" plans. The day of our wedding, I believe the Holy Spirit really convicted me and I decided to trust in the Lord. I know many people who did not get pregnant during the woman's "fertile" time. I had no strong signs either of being fertile. Anyways...we abstained for the next three and half weeks until I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. I cried for about a month as I saw my "plans" change. And just as the Lord prepared us for Stella's death, He prepared us for her life too. Days before I found out I was pregnant, I read the Scripture verse about our ways not being God's ways and our thoughts, not God's thoughts. I knew when I read it, He was telling me something. I was so frightened. I wasn't ready to put my career dreams aside and stay at home just yet. For Phillip and I knew before we married that when we decided to start having children, I would stay home.

Phillip recently recalled when I was towards the end of my pregnancy how his sister pulled him aside and told him when she was praying, she sensed the Holy Spirit tell her that God had something REALLY special in store for us and the baby. Phillip assumed she meant parenthood. His sister knew the Lord meant more. Occasionally over the last five and half years Phillip would think of this conversation and ask himself, "What is Stella going to be? What is God going to do with her?" Well, we see a glimpse of it now. She was called, like all of us, to be a saint. She didn't have to grow up and "be" anything to achieve her great worth. She is God's Stella. He created her not to find her identity and success in anything else but the marvel of the soul she was simply, made to be, just as I am His Francesca, Phillip is God's Phillip, etc. Stella loved and accepted her Creator's love. She answered her calling. It is actually the only true calling any of us have. The wisdom in a little child astounds me.

Stella as a small soul, could see the signficance of other smaller souls. One day close to Christmas she and John were talking about presents they would like. We were sitting at the table eating lunch and I was due to have Gia any day. She stopped and said to me, "Actually mom, it's okay if we don't get any presents at all." Not believing her I responded, "Oh, really." She continued joyfully, "Yeah, mom, because we are getting the greatest present anybody could ever get." "What is that?" I asked. "We are getting a new soul. And that's the greatest gift anyone could have." That moment sticks out to me perfectly. I could picture her smile with peanut butter around her mouth and her perfect little with her beautiful long fingers holding her sandwich. I smiled in return as I looked down at my bulging pregnant stomach and said, "You're absolutely right, Stella. A new soul IS the best present we could get. What a special Christmas." Again, are we not asked by Jesus to become like little children? Stella, a little child had more grace and wisdom, I, as well as many other adults have. It was a conversation I will hold very tightly to my heart for the rest of my time on earth (And yes, I have tears in my eyes).

The gratitude I experience to the Holy Spirit is unsurmountable. I am beyond thankful to the conviction of being open to life just a little on our wedding night. I gave God a crack and He swept in with blessings beyond belief, the gift of such a small soul in my daughter. I've heard a quote from a saint I think that says, "Save someone's soul, and you save your own." Stella as well as each of my children, carry much more weight than they even realize. For each one has played a gigantic part in the forming and growth of my soul and I know for Phillip's as well. They won't even know until they are all in heaven how grateful their mother is to them and their openness to being vessels for God. God used Stella from the moment of her conception and continues to use her to "save" my soul. For she has helped me turn to my sweet Jesus, the one who died so that all souls could be saved. He used such a tiny one as a gateway for a deeper conversion of heart for me. It has been in serving the small, Stella, John, and Gia, even when I didn't want to, was scared, discouraged, and exhausted, that my heart has stretched and enlarged in its capacity to love; the capacity to desire my Creator from the depths of every cell in me. And to think as I look back, I had no idea all that God was doing in me, through me, and especially, for me. I am grateful for the grace to have fully embraced Stella and the change God had in store for my life. For without full embrace to God's call, the gifts from them could not be fully revealed either.

So,I thank you God, for all the small, for they hold treasures of heaven in abundance. Help me to grow with more gratitude for the smallest and weakest in this world. For they are accomplishing the greatest of things for the Kingdom next. Help me to become more like them. And Stella, thank you. Dad and I know you have always been a unique gift to us and will continue to be forever. You were our wedding gift from our mighty God who is Love himself. Thank you Jesus for the grace to say yes to new life and grace to trust in what it would come from it. Life is good. God is great. Thank you Father for all of the small.

Our Stella Dream

2011-08-01T09:06:00.000-07:00

"What exactly does 'venerating' mean?" Phillip asked me as he walked into the kitchen the other morning. "Uh...it means 'to adore'," I replied, "Why?" An interesting question to start the day I thought. "I just had a dream about Stella, just right now," Phillip said. My heart filled with joy as I waited for him to tell me about it. He continued, "Stella was playing all around. We were playing together and I grabbed her and picked her up and said, 'Stella, what are you doing?' And she said, 'Venerating'." This is not a word in Phillip's vocabulary - venerating. I'm not sure if I've ever heard him use that word. I thought how appropriate that Phillip would have our first significant dream about Stella. I, unlike Phillip, tend to dream often. Probably because my sleep is constantly disturbed with the children waking up at night. Phillip very rarely has dreams, or at least dreams he is conscious of. I can think of maybe one or two times where he has even mentioned that he's had a dream. My attention was heightened just when I heard him say the word "dream".

I don't believe every dream is significant. However I do believe God can give us meaningful dreams. We see this throughout Scripture. I dream all the time and I can think of two dreams where I just knew the Lord was showing me something. One of them is very relevant to what we are going through with Stella right now. In hindsight, I see it as another means of preparation for me. There are a few aspects of it that stick out to me besides the significance of Phillip being the one who actually had the dream. Stella was extremely joyful doing what she does as a child. I can picture all of it perfectly because that behavior happened often in our home. Stella would be playing, Phillip would come home, start to play with her, grab her, pick her up and ask, "What are you doing, lovey?" She would respond with various answers like, "Playing dog", or "Playing jaguar" and so forth. But this time her answer was - "Venerating". I immediately think of "to adore". I looked up the exact definition and this is what it said - "to hold in deep respect; to honor in the recognition of the qualities of excellence, holiness, wisdom, etc." It derives from the word "venus" which means "love". How lovely, how beautiful - this glimpse of our eternity is. That is what my Stella is doing with our God. What is the most striking aspect though, is that she was not hunched over bowing, or kneeling in prayer. She was joyfully playing. In my opinion since we are fully united to our Creator in heaven, absolutely everything we do praises Him, adores Him, venerates Him. When we are home, each movement, thought, exploration, play, etc. gives perfect glory to the One our hearts belong with. And in that giving without any effort, we are made complete and whole. I just wanted this week to share another piece of this journey Jesus has asked us to walk. Wasn't it such a precious moment PHillip got to share with our eternal daughter? GOOD JOB ST. STELLA!!! MOMMY, DADDY, JOHNNY, AND GIA ARE SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!! Thank you Lord for the heaven that awaits us!

Devout and Hidden Souls

2011-07-25T14:59:00.000-07:00

There are a couple of passages I would like to share from Saint Therese of Liseux. It is from that same mediation booklet I've mentioned previously. She writes,

"Our divine Lord asks no sacrifice beyond our strength. At times, it is true, he makes us taste to the full the bitterness of the chalice he puts to our lips. And when he demands the sacrifice of all that is dearest on earth, it is impossible without a very special grace, not to cry out as he did during his agony in the garden: 'Father let this chalice pass from me.' But we must hasten to add as he did: 'Nevertheless, not as I will , but as you will.' It is consoling to remember that Jesus, 'the strong God' has felt all our weakness and shuddered at the sight of the bitter chalice - that very chalice that he so ardently desired! A saint has said: 'The greatest honor God can bestow upon a soul is not to give it great things, but to ask of it great things.' Was it not by suffering and death that God ransomed the world? The martyrdom of the heart is not less fruitful than the shedding of blood. Have I not, then, in good reason to say that our lot is a beautiful one - worthy of an apostle of Christ?"

These thoughts speak to me on so many levels. I felt as if Therese wrote them from the depths of my very on soul. I can't help but think of how much of a battle it is to combat the many lies the world tells us. How very opposite are the ways of the Spirit, the ways of heaven. Here, Therese quotes a saint that says the greatest HONOR God can give a soul is not to give it great things, but ask of it great things. From the eyes of the world, suffering does not appear to be a merit at all. It is not a "desirable" thing. It is even scorned and pitied. So why should anyone then be honored by such a cross to carry? Who would want to follow a God, who as a means of honor, rewards a soul with such pain? To those blindly living here, solely for what the world has to offer, the answer should be no one. But to those who have tapped into one's eternity, there is a key factor we must remember. Just as Christ was crucified, he also RESURRECTED. He came not to give us such heavy crosses but to give meaning and purpose to them. For if we accept the honor to suffer WITH our Lord, we will rise again too with Him! The greater the price paid, the greater the glory. It is a truth I must strive CONSTANTLY to live in. Not only is there the marvelous crown of life eternal awaiting us, but as St. Therese also said, it is a very special grace that aids us. I experience it constantly. I testify to it.

Along side Jesus' example, Mary is another soul to examine. When I use to think of Mary, I would think of how "neat" it was that out of all women, she was chosen to be the Mother of God. How special. How amazing. What and Honor! Did she fully understand what her yes would entail? Without the grace of God and the practice of virtue, I believe that yes would be impossible (Well, it would be for me at least). I am sure it was hard, not doubt. Scripture tells us God chose Mary because he found favor with her. To someone who does not know the glorious outcome, it all must sound, at the very least, odd. God wanted to honor her with suffering? Yes- partially. But look at her now? She sits beside her Son as the Queen of heaven and earth. She intercedes and advocates for all of her children constantly. The Father lifted up His daughter, sharing in the Resurrection of her Son, because she shared in His Passion as well. Blessed be God forever!

"The martyrdom of the heart is not less fruitful than the shedding of blood." How beautifully said. This tells me every person if he\she accepts, gets to partake in glorious martyrdom for Jesus, for the world without ever shedding a single drop of blood. How merciful. I have the opportunity to be a martyr of the heart many times in a single day. Every time I "die" to myself, my desires of the flesh, gives Jesus the chance to make such an offering bear much fruit. One's heart does not need to be shattered by such a tragedy to be a martyr. It is in the daily, in the acts done with great love.

This leads me to my other thought I use to often dwell upon. I would imagine how a soul I never knew or met, and maybe even from a completely different part of the world from a completely different time, would embrace me and thank me for offering up all those diaper changes, or all the sleepless nights walking a baby, etc. For those small acts offered up gave her the grace to know God and strive for heaven.

The idea is two-fold. I would also think of the souls I will get to meet and embrace and thank, for being martyrs of the heart, so I could receive God's grace to reach heaven as well. And are we not called to be the different body parts of Christ? Are we not called to become like Jesus in order to enter His Kingdom? The honor of suffering gives us the invitation. For suffering yoked with grace performs a miracle. An individual soul transforms to a body part of Christ the King. The heart, which is prone to hardening, becomes a vibrant beating organ. The organ that supplies all the others with oxygen. Whether the suffering comes from tragedy, one's past, a sickness, finances, and so forth, in suffering, compassion invades the soul. Who else then will better suited to be the body parts of Christ? In return, will then bring God's love to others, especially those suffering in the same ways without the illumination of God.

Therese says it beautifully and much more eloquently. She writes, "Just one such faint spark can set the whole world on fire. We are so aware of the bright light of the saints set high on the church's candlestick, and we think we are receiving from them grace and light. But from whence do they borrow their fire? Very possible from the prayers of some devout and hidden soul whose inward light is not apparent to human eyes, some soul of unrecognized virtue, and in her own sight, of little worth - a dying flame! What mysteries shall we one day see revealed! For it is God's will that here below, we shall give to one another the heavenly treasures with which our Father has enriched us."

Each of us unique in our role to the body parts of Christ are imperative to all other parts. To do the will of the Father is to give and receive the heavenly treasures each of us is given! What a beautiful will that is. Who wouldn't want to say yes to that? Certainly I will try until my Jesus comes to bring me home. Pushing onward, one step at a time.

The Perfect "Accident"

2011-07-18T20:00:00.000-07:00

Phillip and I were reminiscing about a car accident we were in, when Stella was about fifteen months old. We were visiting my family in Northern California. I don't remember all the details but I remember I was in Santa Cruz with Stella longer and Phillip drove up to pick us up and hang out for a little while. We did that a handful of times. I would visit my family and Phillip would drive and pick us up. This time he decided to ask his sister if he could use her car. That was the first time he had ever done that. Her Honda civic got a little better gas mileage than our Honda CRV. I remember thinking it was strange of him to do that just to save a small amount of money. But he was the one making the drive, so he could plan it however he wanted. Anyways... We were on the tail end of the long trip home. We had only a couple hours left of the twelve hour drive. I was driving. We were on the I-10 going somewhere between 75-80 mph. It's the part of the drive that is the most boring. The road is straight and in the middle of the flat desert. There is a huge ditch between the highways. I went to change lanes and didn't see the car in my blind spot. I swerved back over into my lane and because I panicked I slammed on the gas instead of the brakes. I lost control of the car and we went full speed spinning into the ditch dividing the two highways.

I was terrified. I heard Phillip mumble a calm prayer of "Lord, take care of us." He did. Our car just stopped spinning. There was no impact. I immediately turned back to see if Stella was alright, hoping that her body and psyche were not injured in any way. She was smiling and signed with her hands the word "More." I felt so relieved but very shaken up. It was the worst car accident I had ever experienced. On top of it, the only thing that needed to be replaced was one of the tires. There may have been a scratch or two as well. But considering what had just happened that was nothing. When the highway patrol got there, he couldn't believe that we were all perfectly fine and that the car was as well. He was dumbfounded.

For a couple weeks after the accident I remember waking up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding and heavy. I felt so guilty. All I could think about was how I could have either killed or seriously injured my family - my baby. These thoughts tormented me. Then one night as I woke up, I just heard inside these words, "Don't you see your lives are completely in my hands?" After that, I never felt that anxiety or guilt again. Instead, Phillip and I look at all the factors involved in the incident. He randomly decided to bring his sister's car. A car that is low to the ground. If it was our CRV we would have probably rolled. If there were other cars closer to us, we could have hit one of them and caused a horrendous trauma. The fact that in my "panic" I stepped on the gas instead of the brake. If I had stepped on the brake that could have made it worse with a different outcome. The Lord knew at the time as well that we didn't have the money to fix a totalled car. We simply had to replace a tire. And the icing on the cake was seeing Stella motion for "more" with a big smile on her face. We often refer to it as, "The Perfect Accident" because if one little aspect of it was different the outcome could have been fatal. In reality, it was no "accident" at all. As nothing is, God knew what he was doing with us that day.

I believe it was part of our preparation for January 30th. I clearly remember those words spoken inside "Don't you see your lives are completely in my hands?" Yes, Jesus they are. I reference back to it because You, my Lord, wrote it out perfectly. It reminds me in my weakness of questioning and the "what if's" that there is no need, for as you showed us with that accident, our lives are completely in your hands. I lack the humility you call me to when I feel guilt. You have shown me as well ,that when these normal questions come to mind, it is in some way my attempt to try to not accept such a heavy cross you have given me. So that is why I continue to ask for grace. Grace to become more humble and grace to accept your will. I also beg for the grace to keep the eternal perspective in view. For when I walk in your grace, all crosses seem like feathers. They are no longer heavy, but even a joy to carry for You, my God, and the world. Fill me with your Spirit this moment in the depths on my heart. That is where You have humbled your mighty self to live. You choose to find a resting place in a sinner's heart such as mine. A sinner's heart it is, but none-the-less, it is Yours to own.

Oh, and a quick blessing today. I walked up to the church to pray with Johnny and Gia. As we were leaving a friend stopped me to chat. As we were talking, a woman passed us to go inside and her shirt had a pink star on it and it said, "STELLA MARIAE". Isn't heaven lovely?

Thanking God for His Unfairness

2011-07-11T19:51:00.000-07:00

This was the hardest week I have experienced other than ones just following our tragedy. There were some significant triggers involved. The rest was pure darkness. I let God know how angry I felt and how the feelings of abandonment were unbearable. I told Him everything. But these are not the things I want to focus on. Three things I realized. One is, my words to Him are nothing. He knows me. He knows my heart. Just as a mother when she looks at her child's behavior she can often detect where it comes from. I know my Father looks at me and understands the place of pain I spoke from. Furthermore, I came downstairs to a Western movie on the TV. I briefly saw one of those scenes where a house was on fire. The whole town formed an assembly line as each person passed a bucket of water to the next. The person closest to the house would splash the bucket on the roaring flames that consumed the home. I laughed to myself as I watched the frantic townspeople work so hard using one small bucket at a time trying to put out this ferocious fire. I thought how similar my situation with God was this week. My spouts at him and anger were like the little bucket of water being poured on the raging flames of the merciful heart of God. IT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING! Romans tells us there is NOTHING that can separate us from the love of God. My measly attempts of anger towards the Father couldn't even remotely begin to put out his flames of love for me.

The second thing I have realized through this week is my soul longs for my Creator. By experiencing the feelings of abandonment and darkness I was made more aware of my nothingness. I cannot live and do not want anything that is not in accordance to my Father's will. I long for Him more and since those agonizing moments have passed and I experience His peace once again, I realize a moment with feeling apart from Him is a moment I can't bear. I want union with Him all the time. He is my lifeline. He is the only one who makes my yoke easy and my burden light. I have been asking for grace to long for Him even more. I want my soul to search for Him at all times.

The third thing I have been thinking about is my husband. Among my darkness, Jesus used my husband to be His hands, His ears, His love. Where do I begin with such a man? His compassion and patience with me was the small light in such a dark tunnel. My husband drives me to want to love the Lord more. I have been specifically asking for grace to serve and love my husband as if it were Jesus himself. I see how effortlessly it seems for Phillip in serving and loving someone with as many faults as me. And yet I feel like I could never show the love I have for him enough, although he makes it so easy to do so. These faults of mine drive me nuts sometimes. He cannot be compared to anyone I have ever encountered or even heard about. I have thought how unfair this tragedy with our daughter seems to be at times. In my weakness I have asked, "Lord, did I really deserve this?" Maybe not. I don't think anyone would. But I also know I absolutely do NOT deserve my husband either. God's ways truly are mysterious. I feel thankful for God's "unfairness." For I cannot begin to count all the blessings given to me that I am completely unworthy of, especially that of my righteous spouse.

Just Another Heavenly Experience

2011-07-04T18:27:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to post until now. The computer has had some problems and my sister-in-law and her family who live in Germany are in town. We have been very busy with all the activity and cousins. I wanted to share a truly blessed experience that happened Wednesday. It was the evening and Johnny, Gia and I were home alone playing on my bed. Since we were alone I asked if Johnny had talked to Stella lately and told her he loved her. His face went sour and he said, "No! I don't love Stella!" My heart aches even more when John struggles. I therefore tried not to cry because I understood he feels abandoned by her. I said, "What do you mean you don't love Stella?" He responded, "I'm mad at her because she went to heaven and I wanted her to stay on earth. She died. Stella died and I want her to stay on earth." My heart felt stabbed again. I started to pray inside, asking the Spirit for guidance. I just started to speak the Truth to him. The things we so often talk about. I said, "I know Johnny, I wanted her to stay on earth too. But John, are we made for heaven?" He answered, "Yes." "Was Stella made for heaven?" Again, his answer, "Yes." I continued, "John, do you trust mommy?" Another "yes." "Well, John, you just have to trust me when I tell you, it is better for Stella to be heaven and it is better for us too. We have to always remember heaven is our real home. We are just on earth for a little while until Jesus tells us it's time to go home to heaven. And then in heaven we will always be together and no one will ever leave you again ever. And John, is Stella alive now?" He answered "Yes" again then John and I start talking about the wonderful things we hope for in heaven.

I continued to tell John, " You know Johnny, sometimes mommy can hear Stella in my heart. That's where I hear Jesus too. You know how mommy always talks about making our hearts beautiful? Well that's because that's where part of heaven lives in us. Try it John. Try listening for Stella in your heart. We have to be very quiet. I'll do it with you." So he put his hand on his heart and bowed his head. I did the same. He looked up at me and told me he heard Stella talk about her room and how there were rainbow fish. He did it again and then said to me, "Mom, Stella says she has a rainbow for you." I thanked Stella for the rainbow. And then all of a sudden it sounded like raindrops outside. I didn't think there would be any because I could still feel the sun through the window. (I do live in a desert too!) I still our of curiosity, turned my head to look to see what the noise was. There were just seconds of raindrops and a lovely RAINBOW outside. I yelled, "John, look! She did send mommy a rainbow! She did!" John turned around looked outside and his face was priceless. His eyes got wide he flipped around and wrapped his arms around my neck and started exclaiming, "SHE HEARD ME IN MY HEART! SHE HEARD ME IN MY HEART!" The grace that came over him was astounding.

Furthermore, I remembered how two days before, I was writing a journal entry to Stella. I asked her to send me an answer that she gets my writings to her. I told her as well that I would look for it and if by some chance I don't see it, I know it will be because I am not looking with the correct vision. The next day after the writing I felt a little sad that I didn't have anything in particular stick out to me that day. I prayed and thanked the Lord anyways. And then my answer was more beautiful then what I thought would be given. Not only did I receive a beautiful physical sign, but the Lord blessed my son too with a moment of glorious, heavenly grace. That moment for me, watching John, was more powerful than a thousand rainbows in the sky.

My prayer is that if I can help teach my son at a young age to hear the whispers of the Spirit of God inside of him now, that maybe by the time he gets to be my age, he will recognize Jesus' voice confidently and clearly. It is something I struggle and have worked to hear for a long time now. I want to give John and all my children as much as a head start as possible. It is a gift to give them.

The Linnet's Song

2011-06-27T09:30:00.000-07:00

I found this precious little book I think I used my freshman year of college. I used it in prayer time occasionally. It is called "Simply Surrender - Based on the Little Way of Therese of Lisieux". It is one of those little books that has a reading and reflection for every day of a month. I opened it up and I found this little part that was particularly precious to me. St. Therese says, "If we are to attain great sanctity, it is important that we receive direction right from the start. I never forget that since my earliest childhood there have been voices drawing me on, teaching me how, in spite of my weakness, to sing here below the canticle of love that I desire to sing throughout eternity. I think about my birds. I had a canary which sang beautifully, and also a tiny linnet of which I was especially fond, having adopted it straight from the nest. From morning till night the little bird heard only the joyous trills of the canary. One day it tried to imitate them, no easy task indeed for a linnet! It was delightful to follow the efforts of the poor little thing, for its sweet voice found great difficulty in accommodating itself to the vibrant notes of its master; but to my great surprise the linnet's song became in time exactly like the song of the canary. 'I bless thee Father, because you have hidden these things fro the wise and prudent and have revealed them to the little ones.' You have deigned to stoop down and instruct me gently in the secrets of your love."

God used his natural creation to speak to Therese and she listened. The example of the birds is full of much hope. That little linnet actually started to sing like the canary! The linnet was not "made" to do that. It wasn't because of its natural ability, but the canary was its only teacher so through desire, practice, and perseverance it conquered the tune of its master. How precious to think of one's soul like the linnet and Jesus like the canary. My flesh tells me it is not possible to reach such high goals of sanctification, but with Christ as the master, it is!

Some of the key elements I see in the story of the birds is that the linnet did not distract itself with other linnets. He knew nothing else but the natural song of the beautiful canary. The second element is that the linnet probably because of its "littleness" didn't even know it wasn't made to sing like a canary. It probably didn't even know it was not a canary, for its only other bird companion was the canary. He didn't have other linnets to compare himself to. He didn't have other linnets telling him he was just a linnet who cannot sing like a canary.

I can apply this to myself. I, like the small linnet, should only compare my soul to that of my soul's Master, Jesus. I cannot compare or be distracted by another souls failures or accomplishments. I must only be accountable to where Jesus wants my soul to be. The linnet also holds the qualities of the "childlikeness" Christ calls us to. If a young child who hasn't learned to swim yet, goes to a pool the parent says,"You can swim. Come in the water with me. Your can swim, but I must teach you first." The trusting child will proceed. With practice, he swims. The child, like the linnet, learns to swim because of the good parent who teaches and instructs. The child believed it could be taught to swim because of the confidence and trust he has in the instructor, the parent. Like a child with a parent, or the linnet with the canary, our souls must try to be confident like this, never doubting that it cannot fulfill this song of love sung by our Creator. When we practice and persevere to mirror our God, He can then take our measly, small efforts and the outcome far surpasses what we would have achieved on our own. What confidence that linnet had. It never even knew it wasn't "made" to sing like a canary.

Furthermore, just as Therese found the linnets efforts so pleasing and endearing, so our Father finds our efforts when made like that of the purity of a child. The efforts should be for the Father alone. The linnet was not trying to impress other birds. It just heard the beautiful song of the canary and fell in love it. So much so, it worked hard to sing in the same way. And, it did!

Jesus, help me to mimic your perfect song of love, especially in my home behind closed doors. For there, my song is the most pleasing to you.

St. Stella, St. Therese pray for me.

Heaven is Here

2011-06-20T09:09:00.000-07:00

"What's wrong mom?" Stella asked as I lay sick on the couch with tears rolling down my face. "O mommy just feels so sick and tired. I'm overwhelmed right now and I'm worried about baby Gia getting sick." Stella stroke my cheek and replied, "Don't worry mom, God has you. God has Gia too. He's holding you in His hands. And the saints are here praying for you. And the angels are here. Heaven is here. Don't worry mom, you and Gia are going to be fine. Get some rest." She then pulled the blanket on me and patted my hand.

Stella's words still ring clearly in my head. They carry much more weight then most of us realize. Heaven surrounds us. This is not just a "pleasant" thought or something nice to remember once in awhile. This is serious. This is a reality many of us, including myself, don't choose to live in enough through out our day. When Jesus assumed into Heaven, He promised He would not leave us alone. He promised to send His Spirit, the Holy Spirit upon the earth. The Holy Spirit was made from the love between the Father and the Son. That love was so strong it created a whole other being, the Holy Spirit. This is who we have constantly surrounding us, if we choose and invite Him. He then can unlock many treasures of Heaven to us.

Heaven is as close to us as a breath. I must learn to start to turn to it much more. Strengthening my spiritual senses is necessary. This takes practice. It takes training. Can an athlete wake up one morning and decide he\she wants to compete in the Olympics for a gold medal that day? No. They center their whole lives to obtaining such a goal. Everything they do or don't do is based on the training to succeed for such a lofty desire. With heaven as the goal, I too must not be a fool and think I will be able to wake up and just be "spiritually in-tuned". It takes practice, patience, and endurance. However, we like an Olympian athlete can receive help and coaching as well. We have the Holy Spirit! He can guide us to people, books, situations, etc. so our training will progress. St. Paul speaks about life as competing in a race, with Heaven as the finish line. St. Peter also refers to this kind of training. I Peter 1:3-7 says, "Praised be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, He who in His mercy gave us new birth, a birth unto hope which draws its life from the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead: a birth to an IMPERISHABLE INHERITANCE, INCAPABLE OF FADING OR DEFILEMENT, which is kept in heaven for YOU who are guarded with God's power through faith. A birth to a salvation which stands ready to be revealed in the last days. There is a cause for REJOICING here. You may for a time have to suffer the distress of many trials, so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold that is perishable even though tested by fire, may PROVE to be for praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."

My goal in writing about this is to encourage myself to center my day, the moment, around the reality of heaven, in all of its routine and monotony. How can I do this, I think? I know I can't sit down and pray all day long. I think there are some simple ways to start. Actually, the simplest practice I can think of is to speak about it. I believe in order to start to "walk the walk", I try to "talk the walk". It helps me get into a mindset. This talk has been elevated in our home since our Stella is in heaven now. We verbally affirm each other who is around us, who goes with us. We speak about what we think and have heard what heaven is like. We talk about those who have gone before us. We ask them to go before the thrown of our glorious, triumphant King and pray for us and our petitions. I even try for a few seconds throughout the day, in the midst of children, laundry, errands, cooking, cleaning, to stop and set my soul in Jesus' hands. I close my eyes for a few seconds and ask Him to just hold my soul.

By talking about it in our home, the more aware we are of the ways God works in our every day. And if no one is home or around me, even better. I talk out loud to heaven itself. I even greet Heaven out loud in the morning right as I wake up. I say "Good Morning" to the Father, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, Mary, Stella, my Papa, the angels, and other saints. I then ask John if He has greeted heaven as well. He usually sums all of it up in, "Good morning, Heaven."

What begins to take place when I do these things is a transformation in my soul, my life, my home, my family. My load is lightened a little as my spirit is reminded it carries no cross alone. Grace is poured over me. The crosses of life, when we invite heaven and all of its goals for us, become offerings to the thrown of God. And because of His infinite goodness, He then takes our efforts of carrying out His will and transforms it into grace for another soul to carry his\her cross with heaven's help. This is redemptive suffering. We are then joined with Christ's Cross and RESURRECTION. Our symphony continues. The most important thing to remember while doing this, because I continually fall short and fail is this: HIS MERCY COVERS ALL! So today, for it is all we have, let us choose to charge forward for the Kingdom to Come, the Kingdom that is present around us. The Kingdom our royal souls are absolutely, positively MADE for.

Pieces

2011-06-13T08:27:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to share some of the heavenly blessings of the last week despite some of the emotional difficulties I had. I still saw some wonderful heavenly help. Last Sunday I went to pick up Gia off the bed and my back went out. This has NEVER happened to me before. It is sooooo painful. God bless any of you who have experienced this. It was very discouraging to me. I couldn't go about my usual care of the family.

I have had a few things hanging over my head with the children. I've needed to get Gia on a better sleep schedule and in her own crib. Ever since Stella, Gia has slept with me. One of my other goals that has been challenging me for quite some time, is John has needed to be potty trained. I told the Lord how these things have felt like mountains during this time right now. Then I added to Him, "And now my back too?! Really?!" So I prayed and thought about what the Lord was trying to show me. I sensed He wanted me to see that even when I am not capable of anything on my own, when it is His work we are doing, He is the one that will do it. We are just the vessel. So...with my back out this week, one thing after another started happening from the Lord through Stella's intercession.

First of all, I found a star in the driveway. Stella is praying. The next day, my family called with exciting news about a HUGE answered prayer that they have been asking Stella's intercession for, for months. Everyone was celebrating. Gia started sleeping great in her crib. Then John started using the bathroom. I had three stories from my 13 year old niece who knew Stella was trying to let her know she is praying and looking out for her. One of them happened to be her 18 month old brother was playing in his room by himself. He was laughing and laughing. When she went to get him for dinner as he walked out of the room he turned and said, "See you later Stella." This is the third time he has done this! Johnny gave me a beautiful yellow star shaped flower. Then on that same day, I received a giant beautiful bouquet of sunflowers from the Holy Spirit, I was told. A decision Phillip and I have been discerning came to pass and was made clear. Another precious gift was told to me by my sister-in-law. She told me of a family who's baby daughter had some kind of digestive disorder. She asked Stella to pray for them for guidance because what they had been doing wasn't working. The next day her husband found a blog called something like, "Living and learning with STELLA". The site was about a family who's daughter also named Stella had the same thing. This mom knew it was the right thing to follow. The baby is doing great now! This was such joyful news to me. Stella LOVES babies! I told Stella she is doing more now in heaven then she could ever achieve in an entire lifetime on earth.

All of these things just continued to confirm that if we are obedient and open to doing the Father's will, then even our desires and challenges are easily met by Him. He does it even when we feel like we cannot. My back is doing much better. It has been a difficult week for me emotionally though. Please any extra prayers or offerings would be greatly appreciated. Sometimes the shock comes back and hits me again. And I think, "What just happened to my life?" I have to continue to process. I think, how will I live the rest of my life with such a large hole in my heart? But I think of this story I heard a long time ago about a potter.

There is a place in Italy (I don't remember the exact region) where they make these world famous clay platters, bowls, vases, etc. Each piece has these cracks all over it which just add to the beauty. The potter hand makes the piece, paints details on it, fires it, etc. They are breathtaking. However, what makes them unique and world renowned are these cracks in them. The potter takes this already astounding masterpiece and smashes it into tiny, tiny pieces. He then rebuilds it, piece by piece. The cracks are there from the smashing, they do not disappear after being restored. The outcome is GLORIOUS! People all over the world pay a good amoungt of money for these beautiful works of art.

I think of this story as a metaphor for my heart, for my life. I am an already beautiful masterpiece made by God. But I have been smashed to pieces. However, if I am willing to let the Potter continue to work, my hope is that as time continues I will find myself like one of those Italian pieces - preferably like one of the vases, an open vessel to hold fragrant and vibrant flowers and foliage. My heart will always show the cracks from the smashing but the end result is still much more desirable and beautiful. This work can only be done by the Great Potter, our Creator. For if the pieces are left to me to put together, they will remain scattered and disordered. Only He knows where each piece must go. Jesus, help me today. My heart is broken.

Thank you for the comments and encouragement. Cecilia - I LOVED the quote from St. Anthony. I want to paint in and put it up somewhere. I'm praying for all of you and your loved ones.

Prayer Prepares

2011-06-06T09:27:00.000-07:00

My thoughts have been on prayer this week. Prayer is imperative. Prayer is power. Prayer is the key that unlocks our communion with God. One day we will come face to face with our Creator. For me, I know I want to recognize Him. Prayer allows that. Each and every morning I offer my entire day to God. Therefore, I know that all that I do becomes a prayer to him. Then, at the end of the day I get to reflect on my failures and successes. Each day becomes like a musical note, probably not very impressive when looked at by itself. But as each day passes, the musical notes start to make a song. Furthermore, as they continue on through years of offering each day, I slowly start to see the symphony God creates, known as - my life. How pleasing this masterpiece is to our Lord when we allow Him to be the conductor.

Mother Teresa would say, "The more you pray, the more you want to pray." I have found this very true in my life. If I try my best to make my time of "sit down" prayer consistent, the more I find myself looking forward to it. When I have times of more sporadic prayer, I find it harder to discipline myself to sit in quiet. One trick I used in college was I attached prayer to a daily ritual. I usually showered at the same time every day because of my class schedule, so I would attach my prayer time to that. After my shower, I would sit and pray. The habit of showering triggered the habit of prayer for me.

I use to come to the Lord in prayer with my list. I would tell him all the concerns and prayer petitions I needed answered. This is good. He is our Father. He wants to take care of things for us, but I have begun to realize more, especially in my total emptiness during this difficult time, it is more important to try to come to him as a open vessel. I come to him and try to listen before I talk. I let him fill the empty cup of my soul with his rich, fragrant nourishment. I am not giving him my order or what I need to be filled. When I can allow him to do that on his own, I find it may not have been what I originally thought I needed. It is much more. When this occurs, then the craving of my soul of solely God is enhanced. I am being transformed. After all, He knew us before He formed us in our mother's womb (Psalm 139).

We see in the Gospels that Jesus himself prayed to the Father. Therefore, in a quick easy conclusion - if He did, I should too. If Jesus - a.k.a. God, needed to, I DEFINITELY need to as well. As a parent this is not only crucial for my own soul, but for my children as well. Christ teaches us to pray as we see when He gave us the "Our Father", or the "Lord's Prayer." We must teach our children to pray. It is not something that just simply exists in humans naturally. Just as we teach them to use a fork to eat, use the toilet, how to get dressed, we must teach them to pray too. Verbal instruction can be helpful, but showing them and being an example is best. One of the most precious memories I have is of Stella praying on her own. One night when she was about three, she had a terrible ear ache. We were up for hours. I went to use the bathroom and through the reflection of the mirror I saw her kneeling in bed and I heard her pray out loud. She said, "Jesus please help my ear." I kid you not, within half an hour, her ear felt better and she went to sleep. She woke up the next morning perfectly fine. She knew when push came to shove who to go to - her Heavenly Father. A child's prayer is so pure. That's why I know it was answered immediately.

As Stella grew she realized prayer was more than just when in dire need. She started to use this candle she received at her Atrium class at our church and she would ask me to light it. She would take it in her room and pray for a few minutes. This was so endearing to me. It was beyond needing God to "fix" something. She just would go spend a little time with him. I know there was special grace upon her. My son John is not there yet. He is still in a place of prayer when He needs God's help. It will grow I am sure of that. But I do believe, Stella was given this grace because not only would be pray together as a family and for other petitions but she consistently saw her parents spend time in quiet with our Creator. I think of the old saying "Monkey see, monkey do." It is not, "Monkey say, monkey do." This is such a gift to give to our children.

I am extremely thankful to my own parents for instilling this practice into my life from a young age. I believe it's one of the best things they did for me. (Thanks mom and dad, as I am sure you will read this.) Seeing my parents faithfulness in striving to put God first was such a testimony to me. I know prayer has been a key factor in preparation for me especially during this time of grief. The practice of daily prayer, daily unity with God prepared my heart for this trial. I knew exactly where to go when tragedy hit - right to the arms of my Father. He then lifts me right up to His most loving heart, the place I belong.

He Loves Me, He Chooses Me

2011-05-30T19:38:00.000-07:00

We had a stomach bug run through us this week. I didn't have much time to think about this week's post, but I did get the opportunity to live it to a greater degree.

I can picture a time in college when Phillip and I were dating. We had a long distance relationship and were on the road to marriage. I was going through a very difficult time emotionally. I remember telling him that I would understand if I was "too much" for him to handle and if he wanted to end things. He confidently replied, "Love is a choice. I've chosen you." His response was so endearing to me at the time, but now as I've been pondering it, I realize how profound of a statement he made. I have heard many times and "know" that love is a choice. We know that it should not be based on emotions that come and go. Love doesn't change with the wind. It isn't solely a "natural instinct" or our "animal drive." Grounds such as these are far to shaky for Love to be built upon and flourish.

Something significant in my soul has struck me as I have reflected on the truth of love being a choice. I realized even further, that love not only is a choice, but that it cannot exist without one. LOVE CANNOT EXIST WITHOUT CHOICE! Choice is imperative to love, without it, love simply is not there. In my frustration with my own flesh at times, I have said to God, "Why couldn't you just make all of us love you. It would be so much easier that way and then all of life's problems would be solved." Or... "If you just showed everyone Yourself in all your glory, then everyone would just have to choose you and again, the problem would be solved."

However, this wouldn't work. God doesn't want robots, that's why he gave us free will. And since God is Love, and Love is a choice, then God is a choice too. He can't force himself on us, it simply is NOT POSSIBLE. Because again, without choice, love can't exist. By choosing to send His Son, Jesus, and by choosing to die on a cross for us He chose to show us real love. He chose us. He wants us to be with Him FOREVER. To do this, in return, the beloved must choose the lover as well. We know like in any relationship, this to be true. For example, Phillip and I couldn't have gotten married if the love wasn't mutual. Furthermore, if one of us forced it upon the other it would not be free. It would be a place or act of confinement. If it is forced, one in bold terms, may even label it as a form of rape. It is NOT Love. Love must be chosen in order for it to fulfill it's purpose - to be fruitful, free, pleasing, faithful, selfless, ecstatic, enduring, and all the other aspects Paul describes in I Corinthians that I've already mentioned in a previous post.

The road to Perfect Love is not always easy, but the things that are the most worth-our-while never are. I must look at the price Jesus paid for Love, He paid EVERYTHING. It's the only path there is to be completely and consumed by Love's flames of eternity. And one may say, "I want Love, but I don't think I can give everything. I will give all of "this" but not "that". " Then it is not Love being given. Love is limitless and boundless. We have to give everything, or it is not love. Again, if Phillip told me he would completely love me until "here". I would think #1) Then it isn't completely and #2) Then it's not enough. If it isn't ALL, it isn't enough. It isn't Love. I wouldn't feel secure or loved by remark like that.

My path of and to love, laid out by my God, specifically for me, Francesca, has abundant blessings and glimpses to Perfect Love. That is what carries me on, especially when the road has such rough terrain. When I know I can't do it any more I remind myself of the choice God made for me and the choice I make minutely for him. His Spirit then picks me up and carries me so I can somehow keep walking. This road of life with Jesus is not aimless with no direction. It is the road to home - a place of rest, of safety, of joy, and belonging. A place where Love lives and conquers. It is the road to the only place my soul desires to journey. It is the road I choose with Jesus and heaven's help to walk daily, the road to and for the cause of Love. Let us set our feet straight on the narrow path and charge full forced on it. We are never alone, nor the first to walk any of the steps we must take. Peace be with you all this week.

Listening for Whispers

2011-05-23T06:57:00.000-07:00

Before I start on this weeks writing. I forgot to share another blessing we received on Stella's birthday. One of my sister-in-law's and her family live in Germany. Her husband is a Captain in the Army. Anyways...they skyped us on Stella's birthday and their oldest son just received his First Holy Communion. The day before Stella's birthday, Quin was going to serve for the first time as an altar boy. To make a long story short, he got too nervous and didn't do it. The next day on her birthday he prayed and asked Stella to help him and HE DID IT! He served his first Mass as altar boy, on St. Stella's birthday with her help. We were so blessed by that.

Regarding this week's post...

I wanted to touch base again on becoming like a child to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. I've mentioned how Stella has set such a realistic and wonderful example of this for me. Unfortunately, many children now-a-days do not resemble the "child-likeness" Jesus is talks about in Scripture. Many children have been stripped of such innocence at a young age because of what they have seen, heard, experience, or the lack of. My sister-in-law just experienced a perfect example. She and her family spent the night at a resort. She overheard a man tell two little girls, around the ages of 4 and 7, about the enthrallment of Ouija boards. These girls were listening profusely trying to wrap their tiny brains around what the man was informing them about. This is just one example of how some children do not have the chance to even be "children" in our culture.

When I look at what it means to be like a child, the kind our Lord talks about, one of the attributes that astounds me is how they are confident in the acts of God in the small. Because they are "newer" souls to the world, they find such pure fascination with the elements of the earth. I can think of an example involving my 6 year old niece, Isabel. Shortly after Stella died they were at some gathering after church. There were red balloons and she and her two sisters wanted to release three of them to Stella. The next day they were driving and my sister randomly stopped on the side of the road (not a common practice for her) and right there in a tree was a red balloon. Isabel immediately proclaimed, "Mom, Look! Stella sent a balloon back to us!"

Without a doubt she believes this and boldly professes it. I believe children can be better receptors to the Holy Spirit because of their purity and openness. I could easily think in my "adult" mind, "O, isn't that cute. She thinks her cousin sent one of the balloons back to her. That's so precious." But to become more childlike, I answer back to myself "Why not? Because it doesn't seem supernatural? Because it is in the natural? Isn't this God's world to begin with?" Since God works in the natural and there are no coincidences, then Stella did send it back. I don't think it is God who needs to change His ways of communicating to us. Rather I need to change my way of listening. I think of Elijah in I Kings 19:11-13. He was listening for God to speak. There came a big wind, an earthquake, and a fire. God was not in any of them. He was in a quiet whisper. Amongst so much noise and chaos, I must practice even more how to tune my spiritual ears to His whispers. It takes practice and trust. I also think of St. Francis de Sales. He once looked at a rose and said, "I hear you, stop shouting!" God's glory was revealed to him in the beauty of that single rose. I want to be able to do that.

I thought of three examples out of many I wanted to share about the whispers from heaven to me. I chose these three because I have pictures of them. My father-in-law is a master gardener. I helped him start this huge beautiful vegetable garden in his back yard. It has been a good learning experience for me. Anyways...I water the garden and occasionally go out and look at the progress. I noticed our zucchini plants have blossoms on them. I've seen them time and time again. One morning I was looking out the window at the garden and my eyes are naturally drawn to this pop of color from the blossoms on the zucchini plants. I was drawn to go look at them closely. God too had been shouting at me but I hadn't heard. I realized the blossoms are in the shape of STARS! I heard it loud and clear. Do you know what else? Ever since that morning I took the picture and went out to look at them, the blossoms have been closed up. He kept them open until I heard. His mercy is lovely. My God was telling me, my star, my saint, my Stella is BLOOMING in heaven! She is alive and thriving!

The second experience I want to share is... One day I prayed and asked Stella to show me on that day, specifically, her presence. A little while later, Phillip's oldest sister, Celestina, came in to my in-laws house and said "Hurry, come look outside on your car!" I looked outside and there was one of my in-laws white doves hanging out on our car. First of all, the bird wasn't suppose to be out of it's loft. Second of all, I nonchalantly asked my father-in-law if it was normal for one of the birds to hang out on any of the cars, because I myself had never seen one of them do that. He told me that wasn't "normal" behavior. It was there for a long time and even when I got close to take the picture it didn't get scared and fly away. The third thing that intrigued me was that it was a young bird, not an adult. In other words, it was a "child" dove. Now why would Stella have answered my prayer in the form of a white dove? We can think of the symbolism of doves - their purity, signs of hope, etc. Furthermore, more specifically to Stella, for All Saints Day this last October she asked if I would make her a Holy Spirit costume. We use a white dove to symbolize the Holy Spirit. So that is what she was on All Saints Day, a white dove, the Holy Spirit! And I can assure you this - among all the many, many dressed up children at the party, Stella was the only child dressed like the Holy Spirit. She was soooooo precious!

The third "whisper" I want to share is about a red pepper. I was prepping food for dinner and I was making stuffed peppers. Being part Italian, I use red peppers A LOT in cooking. It's one of our favorites. I have never had this happen to me before. When I cut one of the peppers in half there was another pepper growing inside of it in the shape of a heart. I couldn't believe it! I showed my sister right away since she was visiting. I love thinking how God new what store that pepper needed to be in when he grew it in some farm field months before. He new the exact time it would've needed to be ready because He knew what day, time and store I would purchase it in. And the fact I didn't even scratch the inner "heart" when I cut it in half is miraculous in itself! The question is, what was He showing me through the natural of the red pepper? It could be a reminder of His love for me. But as I have dwelt on it, I think He is telling me He holds my heart and all of it's desires in His. That my heart beats with every beat of His heart, and that His heart is my heart's life line. It was so tender to me.

As we grow up we can get lost in the cynicism of our culture. We lose the perspective of the miracles and love of our Creator in the world around us. I need continual help in trying to listen to my Lord's whispers and fully rejoice in the reality of them. I pray you experience God's whispers to you this week! Look and listen for them. He lavishes them on us.

Good Job St. Stella!!

2011-05-16T06:00:00.000-07:00

** The picture I mention in the post that my older sister sent me. One of my favorite gifts of the day.

**Stella's cousin grace releasing one of the doves for the birthday party

Thank you for all of the prayers for us this week, especially since we had Stella's birthday on the 11th. Phillip told me a few days before that we had a choice. We could choose to let it be a very difficult day or try to make the best of it. This kind of choice is not easy for me. Looking at the glass half full has never been my forte. However, with God's grace that was the choice we made. So...we decided to have a St. Stella birthday party. I planned on Monday and Tuesday, the cake, the food, what we would do, etc. I thought at first we would have an animal theme since that's what we did last year for her birthday. However, a heaven theme seemed much more appropriate. I just wanted to give you a run down of ALL the magnificent blessings from heaven we received on Wednesday, on her birthday. On Monday, Johnny and I went to the Dollar Tree looking for some tinsel garland to make halos\crowns for all the cousins and siblings. I wasn't sure I would be able to find it since it is not holiday season. But God knew, and of course the Dollar Tree had it! I also found some nice sea creature stuffed animals there, to my surprise. Stella LOVED stuffed animals! I picked out one for each of the cousins and Johnny. I wanted them to receive a present from her that day. We got home and John handed me nativity wrapping paper. At first I told him we couldn't use it because it was for Christmas. However, then I realized there were no Christmas words on it and the Holy Family wrapping paper would be perfect for our Heaven party. So on Monday I worked away on the halos, gifts, and started making the cake. Tuesday I made a banner out of felt I had laying around for Stella. I cut out felt letters saying "Good Job St. Stella!" I finished the cake that night and also found some scrap fabric to make Gia a special dress. My mother-in-law and one of my sister-in-laws gave me two beautiful bouquets of Sunflowers. I wanted the table to have bright , happy sunflowers on it. I told everyone to dress up because we are royalty. We are the sons and daughters of the KING. So the big day arrived on Wednesday. My husband's family met us at Mass that morning. I felt joyful preparing for everything. At Mass however, I lost it. I was sobbing. Stella was mentioned in the liturgy. This seemed so strange to me. The blessings just started pouring out though. A woman from our Church gave me a "spiritual" gift. She shared a special experience with me and it confirmed something I had a sense about. I was thankful and blessed.

We drove to my in-laws house, where we had the party. I could feel this drive start within me. I call them "creative juices." I wanted to change the table setting. I ran outside and started cutting down branches, foliage and oranges from some trees. I just wanted lots of colors and nature. I scurried to find and clean a couple jars. I ran upstairs to find some fabric and a picture of Stella. I looked for gold stars to hang. In a matter of minutes, my little girl's birthday table was set and so beautiful. It was exactly what I wanted. I made star shaped sandwiches for the children and a delicious gourmet sandwich for the adults. I was showered with three more beautiful bouquets of flowers that day, and of course the hugs and blessed conversations to go with it. The joy in the air was astounding. I kept waiting for the next surprise gift from heaven. Friends stopped in with their children to play and offer support. I received a very special physical present and another spiritual one. My older sister emailed me a picture of Stella she had worked on. I had never seen it before. It looked like someone took a picture of her now, in heaven. It is of her running, and it was another confirmation of how I knew she RAN to Jesus. Her facial expression is priceless. I cried when I saw it because of the meaning I knew it carried.

One of my favorite gifts was given to us through the Mass. The Gospel was John 6:36-40. That was the exact Scripture I used in the blog last Monday. I randomly fell upon it and it didn't hit me in particular at first. But as the week had gone on, before I used it in the blog the words really empowered my spirit. I kept thinking about how Christ's sole purpose was so that nothing given to Him would ever be lost, but would be raised on the last day. I know the Holy Spirit placed that Scripture before me, to dwell on it and take it in. And of course, that was the exact Gospel on Stella's birthday! Only the Holy Spirit could have done that. Each moment just kept getting better. The day was coming to an end, my cup was overflowing. Just when I thought it was all over, I heard a knock at the door and a package arrived. Close friends of ours called this Italian bakery in San Francisco and had a variety of the store's cookies sent to us. This place is very special to us. My parents would always bring cookies from this bakery to my siblings and I when they would go to the city for a play or date. It was the BIGGEST treat for us and one of my favorite childhood memories. The name of the bakery is ... STELLA'S. They were also the cookies we had as part of the desserts for Phillip and my wedding, which was also the exact night we conceived our Stella. I was blown away at the way God is a part of intricate details of our lives if we let him. I received two more spiritual gifts and one special physical one. They are mine personally, but I just wanted to make known the three more. The peace and absolute joy everyone felt was only from heaven. Stella I'm sure enjoyed prompting all of those wonderful blessings she had for her family. We all felt a piece of the joy she experiences completely and fully at each moment! I long to live in that for always. The pictures don't do it all justice. Enjoy them! Our Father in Heaven honored our choice to live and seek after the glory of the truth on that day. The day I thought was going to carry such a heavy load, carried with Jesus felt almost like carrying a feather. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. We allowed Him to carry us that day. The days following, have been much harder for me. Keep prayers coming. AHH! I wish I was better at taking pictures! They just don't captivate the beauty of the day! Oh well, you can get some idea.
**This is Gia and Johnny dressed up before Mass. Gia is in the dress I made the night before.

**This is Johnny playing with his hammerhead shark stuffed animal from Stella's party

**Some of the star shaped sandwiches for the children
**Some of the cousins and John in the halos. We are all saints in the making. We are missing a quite a few cousins in the pic.
** Here's Miss Gia with one of the white birds for the dove release at the party. My inlaws have the birds so it was an easy activity to do with the children. They each said a prayer to ask Stella to pray for them and then after the release we all shouted happy birthday.

**This is the banner I made
** This is a closer picture of the cake. I wish the detail of the decorations came out better in the picture. I had pretty glitter on it and silver pieces. I had never made a tiered cake before.

**I had to add the lamb stuffed animal on the table.
**I used my mother-in-laws colored teacups. The table was so colorful and happy. I threw the halo around each cup with the child's name on it. God calls us each by name.

What Do You Mean I'm Not In Control?!!

2011-05-09T09:22:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the later post. The computer wasn't working last night so I couldn't type it up until now.

I have been thinking about walking in the Mystery. I ask myself, "How can I get used to walking in it?" Even though I "know" life is full of uncertainty, I still somehow believe that A+B=C. We've tested it, we've seen A+B=C in our lives over and over again. But at some point we see that C was not the result of adding A and B together. Contrary to what we are often taught, life is not a mathematical equation. God is full of mystery. Trying to understand all of it is like trying to fit an the entire ocean in a small hole in the sand. Romans 11:33-36 says, "Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How inscrutable are his judgements and how unsearchable his ways! For who has known the mind of the Lord or who has been his counselor? Or who has given him anything that he may be repaid? For from him and through him and for him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen."

I remind myself I am HIS creation, His servant. He is NOT mine. How can the clay tell the Potter how to form it? This somehow is a difficult concept to truly grasp. I was struck hard with it recently. I was frantic a few weeks after Stella went to heaven. My mind was on a roller coaster that would not stop. I was questioning everything, looking for answers about how and why everything in an instant just happened to Stella, to us. I started beating my brain over all the "should haves, could haves, would haves". Then all of a sudden I was literally knocked to my knees and my face hit the floor. It was as if something (or someone ;) ) just grabbed me by the shoulders and gave me clarity. This is what I heard inside :

"Who do you think you are? You are NOT practicing humility. To think YOU have any control over life or death. I AM the author of life."

Immediately, my words of frantic confusion turned into prayers of asking for forgiveness, praises to my God, and petitions of help. I was filled with an overwhelming desire to charge through this world, this life, for the greater glory bringing as many of His beautiful souls with me to Our King's thrown. I was put in place that day, that moment. I am thankful.

The question then becomes what I stated in the beginning - How can I get somewhat used to walking in the mystery that life is, that is God? How can I get used to being humbled enough to not finding all the answers, not assuming that C will result from A+B, and that it is okay? God gives us many tools and clues as to who He is and what He is like. He became man after all. He continues to reveal himself to us in the present. So regarding the answer to the question, one way I can try to get used to this mystery is by looking at the life of Jesus. Getting to know some of the nature of the Mystery, the nature of God. Through the Gospels and the New Testament, we are given a plethora of answers to who He is and what He is like. And a theme I have often talked about and will say it again, GOD IS LOVE. Therefore, by walking in the mystery, I am walking in Love, real love. This is not as easy to grasp as one may think. We have been served many lies through our culture, through our personal experiences on what love looks like. These lies are not real, they are not God. We must become fully aware of what real love not only is, but what it is NOT. Paul in I Corinthians 13:4-8 breaks it down perfectly to us. In short Love holds these qualities:
patience, kindness, rejoices in the truth, it bears ALL things, it believes ALL things, it endures ALL things, triumphant, selfless, humble, encouraging.

Things that love is NOT:
jealous, arrogant, rude, selfish, impatient\quick-tempered, boastful, seek to embarrass, rejoices over wrongdoing, fails.

We have heard this Scripture many times, especially at weddings. We had a children's book that just had this Scripture with wonderful illustrations. It was one of Stella's favorite books. However, if we really look at it and try to live and seek it, the power is unlike any other. If these qualities do not appear in our lives, in our relationships, in our homes than it is simply an imposter of Love. This is what I am walking in, when I strive to allow myself to walk in the mystery. Furthermore, as my wise husband reminded me, just because it is Love, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Jesus is love. He hurt. He hurt so much he died a torturous death for the cause of it. The hurt must be nothing compared to the glory to be revealed. For love only hurts in the present, rooted in selfLESSness, to fulfill a much more triumphant future.

The second truth that is helping me become more comfortable walking in God's mystery is what Jesus himself said in John 6: 37-39 "Everything that the Father gives me will come to me, and I will not reject anyone who comes to me, because I came down from heaven NOT to do my own will, but the will of the One who sent me. And this is the will of the One who sent me, that I SHOULD NOT LOSE ANYTHING OF WHAT HE GAVE ME, but that I should raise it on the last day." Therefore, anyone who comes to Him will NEVER be lost! In other words, His sole purpose of coming to do God's will is so that nothing will ever be lost. I will see my Stella again. I will be given back all and more of what I have given up. That is nothing but HOPE-FILLED news! Christ himself promises this!

The last tool I have thought of is prayer. Spending time with Jesus, helps me know him. Life is BUSY absolutely. There are many interruptions. But to become familiar with the Mystery, prayer is the only way I can get to know it, get to know Him. It is not easy to set that time aside, but it is imperative. Pope John Paul II when working in a noisy factory would spend hours on his knees in prayer. He purposely did this among such hectic-ness and noise so that He could learn to hear God's voice even in the loudest situations. Now, I don't do that, but I am learning more and more that setting aside time to sit in silence is the only way I am surviving all of this. And by disciplining myself to do so, I crave it more each day. I see myself looking forward to it, needing it, craving it.

In conclusion to these thoughts, my hope and belief is that by learning to walk in the mystery, A and B may not always add up to C. Instead, it adds up to INFINITY (I wish the computer had the mathematical sign for "infinity" on it.) The expected answer? No. The much greater answer? ALWAYS. Again, for from him and through him and for him are all things, to him be all glory forever and always. Amen.

Oh, please keep our family in your prayers this Wednesday, the 11th. It is Stella's birthday. Thank you.

With Mother's Day Coming and All...

2011-05-02T06:00:00.000-07:00

** Stella at her five year birthday party (May 11, 2010). She of course had an animal theme and wanted to have her face painted like a tiger. She was in character with the intense expression
**Stella holding Gia as a newborn, making a silly face.

Since Mother's Day is on Sunday, I wish to write about mothers, motherhood, and Our Mother. However, this is not just for those of us who are mothers. It can be applied to all seasons of life, whether male or female, I think. Sometimes when I look at trying to become like Jesus and how short I fall, I tell myself, "Well, I know He is human, but He IS also God." Then I can look at Mary and I see I have no excuses. She is not God at all, just human. She reflected the life of her Son closer than any other person - past, present, or future.

I read in "The Life of Mary" book seven prayers she prayed daily before she was asked to be the Mother Of God. Here are the seven prayers:
"1.) I prayed for the grace to fulfill the precept of charity: to love God with all my heart.

2.) I prayed for the grace to love my neighbor according to His Will and pleasure, and that He should make me love all that He loves.

3.) I prayed that He make me hate and flee all that He hates.

4.) I prayed for humility, patience, kindness, gentleness, and all virtues by which I might become pleasing in His sight.

5.) I prayed that He should let me see the time when that most holy virgin would be born who was to give birth to the Son of God, and that He preserve my eyes that I might see her, my that I might hear her, my tongue that I might praise her, my hands that I might work for her, my feet that I might walk as her servant, and my knees that I might adore the Son of God in her lap.

6.) I prayed for the grace of obeying the orders and rules of the High Priest of the Temple.

7.) I prayed that God should preserve the Temple and all His people for His service."

Mary continues to make the point by saying to St. Elizabeth of Schoenau "A soul cannot have any virtue if it does not love God with all its heart, for from this love the abundance of grace descends into the soul. But after descending, it does not remain, but flows away like water, if the soul does not hate its enemies, that is, its sins and vices." This desire inside of me, to know this UNFATHOMABLE LOVE my Stella ran to, the One she lives and dwells in, will continue to search for the One who started it within me. If Mary, the one who was asked to be the Mother of God, prayed these prayers, then I too desire to pray them as well. (But obviously, adapt some of the wording and requests to the present - for example instead of Temple I pray for the Church.) I figure if I take on her prayers, I will be given grace to take on her practices. If then I take on her practices I will be given grace to take on more of her mindset. And if then that takes place, my soul will be given the grace to conform to Jesus' perfect Will, His perfect Love. And then as she says herself, I will then be able to contain all the virtues that are enveloped in Love of God. For to love God, is to know Him, and to know Him is to love Him.

I recall a time in my own motherhood, a fear I held. I heard from other mothers who had worked so hard on serving their families, they forgot who they were and it caused much emotional damage. I was afraid, by giving my "all" in motherhood, I would "lose" myself - my dreams, goals, personality, etc. Phillip and I have only one car as one of the sacrifices made in order for me to stay at home. The cabin fever would drive me crazy some days. I would complain to Jesus telling him how I can never get out of the house with or without children. I can't do this or that, become Miss Successful, or Mrs. Accomplished and therefore I felt as if I was already on the path I feared. I felt if I "lost" myself I would not only be a terrible person, but a terrible wife and mother. It was a hard day. I felt trapped. Then inside, I heard these words - "Do not think of these walls as a prison. Think of them as a cocoon." Yes, that is right. And do you know what? I can't even tell you the gratitude I feel towards only having one silly car the last 6 1\2 years. Because of it, I was forced to make my house a home, a domestic church. I could not get up and leave whenever I wanted. I could not get up and run to a distraction, to entertainment, or be busy-bodied with errands. No, instead I often had to remain in the present moment with "hoe in hand." It is the reason why I was able to see my daughter become a saint. For what happens in a cocoon? Yes, a cocoon can seem like a form of entrapment. But a cocoon does not house rot and death. A cocoon prepares, houses, and protects the already magnifcently-made-caterpillar so it can fulfill its complete purpose; that is, to become a breathtakingly beautiful butterfly! And this butterfly then flies FREELY through the skies and over the earth.

So you see, as a person, my complete and total surrender to God's call for me, as wife and mother, I am actually not "losing" myself at all. Instead, I am "finding" myself more and more. For as I teach each child and his or her specific needs, I must search my own self for such answers. In other words, when I instruct their souls, I must first look at my own in order to give them the best guidance and formation I know how to give. Through grace, prayer, and discernment as I learn to teach them how EVERYTHING comes back to our Creator, I myself learn more about the mystery of the creation that I myself am. For I too, am fearfully and wonderfully made. And even though the cocoon might make one feel trapped or even a bit suffocated at times, if we wait patiently, "hoeing our gardens," striving to please our God in the small, mundane tasks of a single day, we will all of a sudden notice we have wings on our backs and we are actually completely FREE. Our free will is the greatest gift God gives us. We must choose his love. He will not force it upon us. And if we do decide to choose it, let us choose it fully and do as Mary did on earth - strive to love Him with all our heart, with all our mind and with all our strength. I ask, I beg for His grace to do so. This soul of mine is ready to become a butterfly.

Who Needs a Heart of Gold? I Want One Like Hers

2011-04-25T06:00:00.000-07:00

I am writing this before Easter but I know it won't post until after. So...I hope everyone's Easter was blessed. I'm sure ours will be. I've already put my See's candy order in to my mom.

I've been thinking of ways Stella has been teaching me now. As stated in a previous post, my desire is to become little like her, so I too can continue to grow closer to heaven and getting there. A couple attributes that keep going to my mind about Stella is her compassion and gratitude. She is fascinating to watch. Her joy surpasses many children I have ever met. She loves life in abundance, whether it be in small things or large ones. People would often comment on her laugh. She has the best full-hearted laugh. It is the contagious kind. However, in the same breath her sensitivity towards others amazes me. She would leave the room if a show or movie was on where a person was being laughed with. I would explain the difference between being laughed "with" verses laughed "at". The thought of this would make her leave the room and often cry. It would disturb her so much. Another example was in January we had a cold spell (And yes AZ can have them too.) It hit as low as the 20's! She came to me one night because she couldn't sleep. Her lips started to quiver and she expressed her concern for all the poor in the cold weather, especially the babies. Then minutes later as I was trying to comfort her, her face lit up and she came up with a solution. She excitedly announced, "I know! We can have all of them come into our house to get warm. We can give them food and some money. We have lots of money in that jar over there!" We continued to talk about how we could serve the poor. Her little\big heart was at peace and she went to bed.

I miss our conversations like these the most - about the world, heaven, God, life, people, etc. Having such conversations with a child and hearing her point of view and teaching her, enlightened my own soul. She would thank me for serving her- making her food, bathing her, putting her to bed, spending time with her, etc. I recall how one night I told her as she was lying in bed, "Stella, God knew. He just knew. He knew if I got to choose from all the children in the whole world, you're the one I'd choose." Her eyes lit up and she wrapped her precious arms around me, in total surrender of love for me, in complete gratitude of these words and their meaning. I would tell her this periodically. Then one time, we were on our big yearly family vacation. Stella, like her mom, can get exhausted from socializing a lot. We had been with everyone for days and one evening at a dinner, Stella started to act fussy, saying she didn't feel well. I knew, as her mom, she just needed some space and down time. I told her, mom would take her back to the room and get her ready for bed and just read some books together. We did just that. Her spirit started to pick up and she was herself again. She stopped in the middle of her conversation and looked at me and said, "Mom, God knew. He just knew Mom." I said, "What? What did He know?" Stella replied, "He knew you were just the mom I would need." A little while later her cousins came back from the dinner and she went on her way under the stars with them exploring the beautiful creations of nature - finding awe in each inch of it.

I think of these examples and beg God to help me become like her. If I could carry in my heart her compassion for others, the awe of creation, the joy of living, and the gratitude when being served, I know I would be even more pleasing to my Jesus and more capable of the Greater Love I am called to carry and accept, the Love my daughter ran to. As Easter is approaching (but actually has passed to those reading this) I am more thankful than any other Easter of the magnificent price paid. Because of His Great Love, His Death and Resurrection I get to look forward to being with my saint again. So I say from the very bottom of my heart and the depths of my soul - Thank you, Jesus, thank you.

And thank you for the comments and prayers. They are very encouraging to me and much appreciated. Please keep them coming!! I pray for all of you too. Oh, and I can't wait for Divine Mercy Sunday this weekend! YAY!!!

The Sky's the Limit? I Disagree.

2011-04-18T06:50:00.000-07:00

My husband, Phillip, mentioned a quote from a well-known saint to me a few weeks ago. The quote, or citing is this: "Once while Saint Francis of Assisi was hoeing his garden, he was asked, 'What would you do if you were suddenly to learn that you would die at sunset today?' He replied, 'I would finish hoeing my garden.'" This quote has been continuously coming to mind. I can't help but ponder on the meaning of it. What St. Francis is saying is that he is ready. He has been living each day striving for God. He is exactly where he is suppose to be, doing what he is intended by God to do. He answers God's call in his life. There is no urgency for him to get his soul ready at the last minute. So, this poses the commonly asked question - Are you ready? Am I, Francesca, ready to go right now if Jesus came for me? And do you know what? I can honestly say yes, I am. Does my soul look perfect? No. Am I a sinner? Absolutely. I am a misery, very much in need of my Savior, my Jesus. My lack of perfection, is why Christ came in the first place. I am not close to being purified, but I am at peace with the question and the answer. Furthermore, I must continue to work tirelessly for this answer and be open for all the graces I need to be able to say yes to it. Because tomorrow, if I ask myself the same question, I want to be able to have the same response.

I have continued to think about this quote and wondered why answering it for myself did not suffice in stopping the thoughts to continue to arise within me. I realized the Holy Spirit was not done with it yet. He wanted to show me more. He led me to think of the day Stella ran home. I was thinking of the shock of it all. I said, "Lord, we were just doing what we do every day. I was literally just reading books to her moments before." Then it hit me - the Holy Spirit that is. The St. Francis quote rushed to my mind and I realized we were simply "hoeing our garden" that day. Stella was exactly where she was supposed to be, doing what she was called to do because Phillip and I were where we were supposed to be, as well. As a parent I am the treasurer of these fragile, impressionable souls given to me to help form. I not only must ask if I, myself am ready to leave this earth at any moment, but if my children are ready also. And chances are, if I can honestly answer yes to that question, then I most likely can answer yes for my children too. This gave me so much peace for my Stella. See, I told you God has been preparing us for this. He is Love and Mercy himself. Stella was given the grace not only to know who Jesus is, but to love him. She did, she does. Phillip and I chose to make many sacrifices to give these new souls the best foundation we know how to give. And especially now that my vision is clearer, I am so completely, absolutely, positively grateful for each of these sacrifices for the formation of our children. To not sacrifice in all the ways we have, would have changed the situation's gravity for us. For we feel no guilt or regret whatsoever. God is so very good.

The priest at Stella's service gave an anointed homily. It was clearly from Father God. Phillip and I have had more people comment on it than we can even count. In a nutshell, Fr. John said this: Our world focuses so much on evil. We are intrigued with the "dark side." Our entertainment reflects this strongly. We rarely see, for example, movies about heaven or God, but there are numerous horror films. Now as parents, we desire good things for our children. We desire them to have a good education, go to college, become successful, and maybe meet someone worthy of them, etc. Those are good things to desire for our children. Those things are gifts. Fr. John spoke of a time when he first became a priest. He worked at a children's oncology ward.

There was a child who was eight and she was going to die. He sat with the mother and tried to comfort her. The mother was worried about telling her daughter. How does a parent do that? Fr. John offered to go with her to speak to her child. The mother said, "Yes, but you can't mention anything about God." Fr. John thought that would be difficult considering he is a PRIEST after all! Anyways...They went into the girl's room. The mother with tears in her eyes asked her daughter, "Do you know what happens to you when you die?" The little girl lit up and said, "O yes. I will go to sleep and when I wake up I will be in heaven with Jesus." The mother couldn't believe what her daughter was saying. She replied, "Where did you hear that?" The girl told her how all the children talk about it together all the time. Then the child looked up at her mother and asked, "But mommy, why didn't you ever tell me?"

Our children come with no guarantees. Eternal life is the only one I can offer them. I have come to realize now, because of my saint, my Stella, that I as a mother (with other children to raise) want to work tirelessly to give them this one guarantee. It has changed many ways I parent even more so now. I am very grateful for this lesson being learned and constantly look to see how I can do better. The answer always lies in God's mercy. As long as a soul is willing, His mercy covers all the rest and we are further on this journey towards heaven then we even realized. Mercy is everything. Preparing my children for goals such as higher education, successful careers, and other admirable achievements are good goals, but they are not great goals. We use phrases such as, "the sky's the limit" or "reach for the moon". Those goals are enveloped in phrases such as those. They are used to mean "the best" or the "highest degree". I say however, those aims are much too low for children of the God of the Most High. Only heaven will suffice as the limit. With that as the goal, there actually then is, no limit at all. Furthermore, I am POSITIVE that if that becomes my goal for myself and for my children we will also obtain many other marvelous blessings along the way. I am walking proof of that already. Stella, pray for me, please. I have such a long way to go.

Starfish

2011-04-11T07:15:00.000-07:00

Stella' s favorite thing is nature. She loves it all - plants, flowers, rocks, bugs, the sky, the ocean, animals, and how all of it works in the world. She specifically enjoyed animals the most. She behaved like one about eighty five percent of her day. She would even comment on how she wished God had made her an animal instead of a person. The animal of the week would vary on the attitude she was in - from a dog, to a cheetah, a jaguar, a lizard, a wolf, and the list goes on. She loves all living creatures, great or small, land or sea.

My husband's family always gave each child of theirs a "symbol". It really does not carry a great deal of meaning but they enjoyed having one. For instance, Phillip's symbol was a teddy bear so on his Christmas stocking growing up he had a bear on it. The symbol chosen might resemble the child in some way. Anyways... One day Stella's cousins, Mariana and Grace were talking about their symbols. Mariana's is a butterfly, Gracie's is a hummingbird. Phillip and I hadn't really carried this idea down to our children, but since the cousins had one, Stella wanted one too. So she asked me, "Mom, what is my symbol?" I replied how I hadn't really thought of it before but then said, "Stella, OH! It's a star! Because your name, Stella, means star!" Her face did not return the same look of enthusiasm. Stella, the animal lover she is, was not satisfied because she wanted her symbol to be animal related. So I thought about it and said, "How about a starfish?! Because your full name is Stella Maria which means "star of the sea". Her eyes lit up and so her symbol became a starfish.

My sister Alexis came to visit a few weeks ago bringing pictures on her iPad of a little ceremony she and her three girls did for Stella. They got balloons and attached little notes and prayers to Stella and let them go on the beach. Alexis told me when they went to the party supply store the girls wanted to get a balloon with an animal on it because of Stella's love for animals. And she shared how out of all the balloons at the store, there was only one balloon with an animal on it. Do you want to guess what that animal was? Yep. You got it, a lamb. The only animal balloon they had was a lamb. Another heavenly confirmation of our sacrificial lamb. Anyways, as I sat looking at the pictures on her iPad, I saw a picture of a GIANT PINK STARFISH in the wet sand on the shore. I immediately stopped and asked, "What's this?" Alexis replied, "O, I took a picture of this gigantic starfish on the shore because we have never seen one like it just lying right in the wet sand." I told her how Stella's symbol is a starfish. We both were pleasantly shocked, noting how we grew up there by the beach and how my sister takes her girls weekly and we have never seen a starfish on the shore like that. And typically any starfish we have ever encountered are the small orange or reddish ones. And then Alexis added,"Yeah, there were five of them just right there where we let the balloons go." Five?! Stella was five years old. She was there with them. And of course not only did she send five starfish, but FIVE GIANT PINK ONES!

God communicates with us through the natural. We often look for the supernatural from Him, but we must remember this is His world that He created. He runs it and put it into order. Why wouldn't He use it to speak to us? He does. And on that very day I saw the pictures, Phillip had a random encounter with a priest who was telling him how God uses the "natural" to communicate with us - on that same exact day! We must work on not getting too caught up in our busyness to miss it and to try not to disregard the natural as not being supernatural just because it's not always a "lightning striking" experience. He often comes quietly and comforting to us, through things we already know and feel safe with - the natural. He is so gentle.

Secondly, as I sat praying tonight and thinking of Stella. I was thinking of how seeing her again couldn't come soon enough. The idea of "fasting" came to my mind. I pondered this thought. I realized since Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice, I only have to "fast" from my daughter. I read one time words from a saint (I forget who it was. I could go check, but don't really feel like it.) who talked about fasting that really helped me view it with different eyes. I would struggle with fasting because well, let's just say patience is not one of better qualities. When I want something, I want it NOW. I crave it. But this saint said that when we fast, we are not giving that item up forever, just for a limited time and then we will have it again. Our spirit tells our body that we are giving it up just for right now, but we will enjoy it once more. For example, we are celebrating Lent in the Catholic Church as we prepare for Easter. We use this time to strengthen our spirit by offering up or giving up something that is difficult for us to give up. I gave up sweets. I know - typical. However, this is actually really hard for me. I LOVE my chocolate. My body craves it and sometimes even demands it. And every time I want to pick up dessert the thought of "offering it up," doesn't work for me. It makes me feel like I want it more because I am tricked into thinking the next time I will get to have it is indefinitely (even though I know that's not true). So I calmly tell myself, "Francesca, you will get to have chocolate again, just not right now during Lent." When Easter comes, you better believe I am going to eat my share of chocolate. I will enjoy it more since I haven't been able to have it for six weeks. I am teaching my flesh that my spirit is stronger, it is in control.

So as I was praying that is what came to me. That I am just in a time of fast right now from my daughter. I will get to have her again, but just not right now. Meanwhile, my spirit will grow stronger and my flesh will diminish. And again, you better believe on the day of MY homecoming, just like I'm going to enjoy my chocolate on Easter, I am going to INDULGE in perfect Love with my Stella and my Beloved Creator. Oh, Lord give me patience! Stella pray for patience for mom!

*Oh, and Anna, I responded to your comment under the last post in the comment section. I'm trying to figure out the best way to respond to others. This is all still in progress.

(photos courtesy of emmy belding)

Just a Block of Marble

2011-04-04T09:39:00.000-07:00

I sit here contemplating what to write about because this last week has been really difficult for me. There have been multiple events that have just added to my grief. The "missing" seems to be consuming me. On these weeks, it is hard to keep my eyes turned upward to heaven. The pull towards the earth appears to be much greater, but I sit here knowing my God and friends in heaven refuse to allow it to devour me.

Michaelangelo said, "In every block of marble, I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it." Just as Love is a choice, I choose also to look even when the sorrow seems overbearing, to try my hardest to speak and look at this new life of mine in the Light of Truth - in the illumination of God. And in that choosing, He then steps in and must do all the rest. I am not trying to be like Michaelangelo - looking at a piece of marble and seeing exactly what beauty and being lies in it. I, however, am choosing to merely be the block, the block of marble with the rough walls that imprison such a lovely apparition. For God is the artist\miracle worker. I am simply what He has to work with.

So I ask myself questions pertaining to the Truth. What else is there? What else in this world can compare to the world of heaven, where I am journeying to? Isn't that what this entire life is about? And since the veil between heaven and earth has a sliver in it now for me, I desire nothing more but to break through and get there. Yes, there are moments where no comfort is possible to relieve my aching heart. But I sit here and recall ways heaven let me know they are right here next to me. Here are just a couple examples I thought of this week, out of a handful. In "The Life of Mary" book when it was revealed to Mary when her life on earth was to be finished, one of the requests she made was. she desired the other Apostles to be with her. Little did she know, they were already on their way. God had commanded His angels to tell the Apostles to start journeying to her home. God had already put in motion that very desire of Mary's heart before she even asked. I am thinking of this very way God has ministered to me like this. On a smaller scale, on two of the hardest days I've had I have received a package from my beautiful and devout Aunt Donna. She sends precious, unique little gifts for me and\or the children. I enjoy opening the special little treasures; however, more importantly, it tells me God's angels prompted my Aunt days before, and in her openness to these heavenly promptings, she responds, and in return I receive this little reminder of God's precious love on the EXACT day I needed it most. I also received two kinds of flowers I specifically just mentioned to heaven that I desired to receive just a small evidence that God is working and holding on to us through this. And on top of it, when human doubt kicks in and I wonder for a moment if by some chance coincidences are occasionally possible, one of the notes that came with the second request for a certain flower quoted Pope John Paul II saying how there are NO coincidences. I pray I may be open to such heavenly promptings so I too can be a vessel of love from heaven to someone else in need. For we are all connected and in this together.

I also recall an image of Mother Mary I have in my home. When Stella was a baby, she was taking her afternoon nap. I had this overwhelming desire to draw. I am not an artist, but the desire was intense. I pushed it aside, noting I didn't have any paper or pencil. The next day at he same time, the same desire arose in me. Again, pushing it aside because I lacked the proper tools. However, finally on the third day when that same urge occurred, I just grabbed a piece of computer paper and an ink pen. I felt like I was simply running my hand back and forth and withing minutes I had this beautiful image of Our Lady. I thanked her and felt a sense that it was her Face of Mercy. Later that week I found out on the day I drew and received the image, it was February 22, 2006, which was the day in 1931, Jesus first appeared to St. Faustina with the message and image of Divine Mercy for the entire world! (It is also my husband's birthday.) And I quote John Paul II, "In the divine providence, there are no coincidences." The story doesn't stop here... A few years later my sister-in-law saw an image of Our Lady of Ephesus. She couldn't believe the resemblance of it to the image in my home. I did some reading and research on Our Lady of Ephesus and found out Ephesus, Turkey was the place Mary lived for awhile after Jesus' Ascension to heaven. She was taken there for her safety. And I imagine since Jesus was no longer on earth, everything in her motherly make up must have desired to go with him to heaven. Why not? She birthed and raised the Messiah, her job was done, right? Wrong. It wasn't. God need her to be a leader in the developing movement of Christianity. Ephesus was the place she had to live our her grief from physical separation of her Son, because God was NOT done with her yet.

And that is the face of Mary I have in my home. It is the face I wear now. And now I know the reason why God gave me that special image to me five years ago. Just as He already prompted the Apostles to start making their way towards Mary so they could be with her in her final hours, God sent His own Mother to be in my home so she could already be there for this time in my life. I am honored and humbled. And I know what is occurring in my life is the will of our Loving God and part of his plan of MERCY for my daughter, my family, myself, and many souls. For as I said, what else is there but heaven? Earth is a gift, but it is only the very tip of the iceberg. This sacrifice I am facing is not only so I can be with my Stella for all of eternity, but so I can be there with you also. We are all family and our joys and crosses are united. I offer my day to God as soon as I wake up, so I know all that occurs in it, is His. And I pray this prayer of St. Faustina today as it begins:

"O Jesus, I want to live in the present moment, to live as if this were the last day of my life. I want to use every moment scrupulously for the greater glory of God, to use every circumstance for the benefit of my soul. I want to look upon everything, from the point of view that nothing happens without the will of God. God of unfathomable mercy, embrace the whole world and pour Yourself out upon us through the merciful Heart of Jesus."

I look forward to seeing what our God is creating out of this block of marble.

2011-03-28T09:26:00.001-07:00

Oh, I forgot to add that I will post pictures of Stella in her lamb costume but I can't find my camera charger right now. And my older sister is going to put some pictures of me and my other two little saints-in-the-making very soon!

From Curls to A Crown

2011-03-28T08:45:00.001-07:00

In the last part of my previous post I brought up how it is only a child because of his or her innocence that can be given the privilege to truly share in Jesus' death. Jesus is referred to as the "Lamb of God" knowing that in the Jewish culture lambs that had no blemishes were used as sacrificial offerings. I have noted that God has been showing us that He was preparing us, as He always does because of His endless mercy. I want to share one of these experiences.
I was convicted a few years ago that our family would not celebrate Halloween, we would celebrate All Saints Day. I wanted to bring back the traditional forms of celebrating this beautiful holiday that somehow over time evolved into celebrating the side of darkness. Anyways...Stella, I thought was a little too young to understand and desire to dress up like a saint and since she has a deep love for animals I suggested she be a lamb - like "the Lamb of God." Her eyes lit up with excitememnt and without a moment of hesitation exclaimed, "Yes! I can be Jesus' lamb and Johnny (her brother) can be the shepherd!" So our first real celebration of All Saints Day was decided. Stella would be a lamb. The story doesn't stop here. She wanted her two cousins, Mariana and Grace to be lambs too. So in 2009 I made three little lamb costumes and one shepherd costume. They were the cutest flock of sheep you ever saw.
Within the first couple of weeks after Stella went home, my sister-in-law Monica, the mother of Mariana and Grace, found on her answering machine the message from Stella from over a year and half ago. On the machine in her precious child's voice she asks, "Mariana, Grace will you be a lamb like me?" There are no such things as coincidences and there is no time with God. There have been several confirmations of this very idea of my Stella being a pure sacrificial lamb.
So now as parents many of us in our family are using this to incorporate the becoming of a lamb with our other children. We ask, when for example, sharing does not want to take place, "Are you being a lamb like Stella, like Jesus right now?" It is a real concept for them because they know concretely and personally who Stella is - their sister, cousin, friend.
And I cannot expect my other children to respond to this question correctly if I myself cannot answer it correctly as well. When I am stuck in a moment of grief, thinking of how MY life has changed, how MY heart is broken, and how MY daughter was taken, I stop and ask myself, "Am I being a lamb right now like my Stella, like my Jesus?" And in some selfish moments I think, "No, I'm not and frankly I don't care. It hurts too much." But then grace kicks in and helps me refocus on the giving of myself and suffering for others and the much greater good. And just like my Stella was given an innocent death like our Lord she on the other hand received a GLORIOUS resurrection as well and a marvelous crown of new life. People were often very drawn to Stella and some of it was because she has these beautiful ringlet curls. So I think now how she went from curls to a crown.
And I recall a part I read in the book I've mentioned about Mary. I noticed as I was reading, that Mary prior to Jesus' birth, according to the mystics, never asked God for anything for herself. However, when she became a mother things changed a little. It was time for Jesus' circumcision. She was struggling with this because she didn't want him to suffer any pain. So she asked God that he wouldn't feel any pain "for her heart's sake". Do you know what the answer was? The holy Archangels Michael and Gabriel replied, "...This will be the beginning of His sufferings in obedience to His Father's Will..." This says to me that from the first moment of our existence, from the first moment of our child's existence, they are to serve in the purpose of our Creator. So any suffering even our child endures is to help them in the practice of obedience to our God. And even in our questioning and pain we must remember two things - First and foremost that GOD IS LOVE. And contrary to our cultural beliefs, obedience is NOT an act of imprisonment, but an act of freedom.
My daughter lives fully now in Love and Freedom. And I am sure there is no other place even I as her mother could have shown and given her that could ever had made her feel as safe and joyful as she does there. And as I now know, heaven is truly only a veil away. And this deeply agonizing way I long for my Stella, is how Jesus longs for each one of His children - you and me. Poor, sweet Jesus how he must hurt. For as no one can fill the place in my heart that belongs to my little saint, no one can fill the places in Jesus' heart that belongs to each one of us. And like two puzzle pieces link perfectly together, so does our soul and the specific place that is only ours in our Lord's heart. It is our real home. And just as Saint Augustine said, "You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find rest in Thee."

Blog Game Plan

2011-03-24T17:06:00.000-07:00

Ok, so as I've been praying through this blog thing and my goal is to write a new post once a week. I will be reflecting on what I should write during my prayer time and then posting it. Pictures and videos will evolve as well. I want to make sure I keep it in moderation for myself and not get carried away. I just want to make sure my vocation doesn't get interrupted too much. I think it will just help me organize this into my life. And it will help anyone that is reading it to know when to check for any new posts. In other words, you won't have to waste your time continually checking my site. Anyways, I am praying for each soul who encounters this part of my journey. So yes, that means, I am offering some of this suffering for personally and specifically YOU. So don't be surprised when extra wonderful graces of God come your way. And I have asked my Stella to be praying for each one of you and your families as well. She and I are in this together. I'm not exactly sure what day I will be posting, but I am thinking it will be Mondays. So let us continue on towards this only righteous cause.

She Carries Us Now

2011-03-21T08:35:00.000-07:00

My legs ached, my ears hurt, my heart broken. My Stellers battled with colic. I knew nothing different being my first experience with having a new born. My husband was working a night job on top of his career and I paced our hall over and over. She launched me into a crash course of parenting. Murmuring prayers, singing songs, and walking miles became a nightly ritual in our home. I still become exhausted thinking of that season. And now the roles are reversed. Within the first week after Stella went home to our awaiting heaven, I was up once again at night crying walking the hall. I said to her, "Stella, your dad and I carried you for miles in your agony when you were a baby. Now it is time for you to carry us in ours." And she is. Jesus is so good. He allows her to be revealed to us in new ways now, confirming time and time again two realities - she is alive and heaven is real. Those stories will eventually evolve in these posts as I discern where they should be. So much is being taken in right now and so much is being shown to us. I cannot stress the gratitude I have towards my Creator in giving Stella to us as a gift. I love who I am because of all the unknown sacrifices I have had to make in becoming a mother. And despite how it may appear from the outside, I cannot say I wish I was not experiencing this suffering because in it I come face to face with my Jesus and that, my friends, is the will of God - his perfect and loving will. I would tremble in the past imagining suffering like this, and never understood when others would talk about the beauty in it. But it is true. I sit here and I can't believe what I am typing. The beauty in suffering is like no other. Try not to ever be afraid of it. The grace is consuming and is the direct effect of His infinite mercy. And His infinite mercy is the direct effect of His profound and transcendent Love. And it is this Love that my daughter ran towards. Do you have any idea how unfathomable that reality is as a mother to say? My daughter, when she saw Jesus RAN towards the greater Love. I think, "Whose love could be greater for a child than her own mother's?" A child does not easily trust someone. A child runs to her mother when she is unsure, afraid, happy, excited, hurt, etc. There she knows she is safely and unconditionally loved. And yet, Stella when she saw our Lord went RUNNING, not to me, her mother, but to her God. What kind of Love must this be? I desire to know it more and to give it more. If a child is clearly drawn and can recognize the magnitude of this perfect Love, then I too must become like one. And this is how my Stella carries me now. She showed me with her time on earth and she shows me now as she sits next to her Daddy God's thrown, that she is setting the path before me to recognize the greater Love. For as Scripture says, we must become like little children to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. For a soul that goes home as a child is given the privilege very few are given. They are given the glory of being united to Jesus' innocent death. Only a child can be given such an honoring gift. Jesus died innocently and only a child can receive that crown in union with our Lord. GO STELLA! Help mommy to become little like you.

A Thousand Times "Yes"

2011-03-15T08:49:00.000-07:00

"Would you have said yes if you knew what it would entail?" This was one of the first questions Fr. John asked as we sat with him in the room upstairs at my in-laws. "A thousand times over," I answered with fervor and without hesitation. The question still rings out in my head and each time I think of it, the answer remains the same. How could this be I think? How could I say yes to so much suffering? My flesh does not understand this answer my spirit launched forth. I cannot help but compare everything in this time to our sweet Mother. She brings such consolation to me. I have been given books on grieving and losing loved ones, but the book I find to be the most comforting and helpful is "The Life of Mary - As Seen by the Mystics." Nancy Mills, a mother of five whose nineteen year old son received his crown of new life after battling cancer about eight months ago, gave this book to me. She knows. She gets it. When I pick it up, I feel like our Lady takes soothing balm and gently rubs the wounds of my heart, as only a mother could do. With such tenderness she does this for me and my strength and hope is renewed. The Holy Spirit revealed to Mary all that was to come if she accepted the request to be the Mother of God. And as we know, she said yes. So I say yes too. And as it is shown that even through her parents and the way St. Anne and Joachim were prepared, and then how God prepared Mary, I see in hindsight how God has been preparing me too.
"Your thoughts are not my thoughts. Your ways are not my ways. So far above is heaven from earth, so are my thoughts above your thoughts and my ways above your ways."
(I probably didn't get that word for word correct.) This is the Psalm I read the day before I found out I was pregnant with Stella. I just graduated college in Indiana, moved back home to California where Phillip and I got married that August, and then moved to Arizona where my husband lived. My mom begged me to push the wedding back a couple months just to give myself some time to breath after graduating. We discerned "no." My plans were to go to graduate school at ASU. God's plans were different. Stella was conceived on our wedding night. I know that for a fact. Her Aunt Monica would always say, "Well, if Stella ever starts questioning why she is on this earth, we'll just tell her the story of her conception to prove there is no doubt that God has a unique plan for her." And now I think not only of the story of her conception, but if I would have pushed my wedding back as my mom desired, she wouldn't have been born at all. And I am eternally grateful for God's guidance in that decision. So... a few weeks later after I came home from class, to my disbelief and shock I found out I was pregnant. Tears of devastation flooded my eyes for about a month as I was forced to get used to God's way and let go of mine. For Phillip and I were always convicted that as soon as we had children I would stay home. I just didn't think it would be so soon. During my very sick pregnancy I knew her name was to be Stella and I wanted to honor our Lady so her middle name is Maria. She is Stella Maria - Star of the Sea. On, May 11th 2005 after a very difficult and long labor my little soon-to-be saint was born. I unlike Mary, had no idea what our life together would hold, but none-the-less I did say yes.

2011-03-08T16:12:00.000-08:00

This is a love story.
It is not a typical love story where boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after, THE END. This is a love story that we don't get to watch in the movies or read in a novel. This is the part of the love story "they" don't tell you about. The real love story. It is the part inbetween the "getting married" and the "the end". It is about the "living happily ever after". Have you ever wondered what that means? We hear and read it plenty of times but no one gives us the details. My love story is just that - the answer to that question. My love story does have a little of boy meets girl and so forth, but it does not have "THE END." For as I am realizing, my love story is actually only a continuation of the GREATEST love story; that is, when God sent His only Son. And since God is Love, and God is infinite, Love NEVER ends. This is my journey for the one righteous cause - that is, the Cause of Love.