I hear this run through my mind, over and over. "You are not only your own weakness, but you our God's weakness too." Some theologians or great minds might scoff at that and say "NO. God has no weakness. He is only strong. He is the mighty hand that created all things that exist. The hand that controls the universe and can crush it in an instant, etc." These things are true. I do not deny them. I do not deny that as well that my Father, my Creator is a complete mystery to me, to the world. Only when I go home will I get to begin to delve into this Mystery. I understand all of that. But He gives us windows, and glimpses. He gave us His Son to learn from. And those who know His Son, know more of the Father. Christ tells us that himself.
I find myself beating myself up now and then. I think of my many sins. I see my goal, my greatest desire and what I must do to get there. And then I see how I find myself off that path. My eyes are looking at my goal, but my I see my body clear over in left field! How does this happen??? Paul talks about this as well. How he does the very thing he does not want to do. I feel comforted. Not justified, but comforted. Sometimes when I read about saints and other great followers of Christ it seems that after they had their conversion or started living their life for Christ, they only tripped on the path. They didn't fall on their face over and over and still become a great saint. I think of how I want to be saint. What else is there? However, I will rejoice in simply "getting there." Someone like me couldn't ask for more! I'll be thankful if I do! Forget great sainthood. This is how I think of my continuing journey and battle with myself. For when I look at my weaknesses I truly can disgust myself. This drives me nuts.
But then my soul inside me, the part of me where God humbles himself to dwell speaks different words. I hear, "You are not only your weakness. You are also God's." My heart is moved deeply. Reverence for my own self is slowly put back into better perspective. The perspective that is imperative to seeing Heaven, to seeing my God. Focusing on what I do, or don't do or should or shouldn't do, focuses not on Love, on God, but on self. The god of death. And I make full circle back to knowing that He won't let me not succeed in sainthood. For, that is part of the Mystery He has graced me to solve. Making saints is His business. Does it glorify Him? Absolutely. But more importantly, He wants me Home with Him. For Heaven without each of us, would just not be the same for Him. This is humbling to say. Heaven without me, would not be complete for Him - who is the definition of complete! This is truly humbling to think of myself like that, because I tend to see how far I have to go to be holy or worthy. Which I will never be apart from Him. So He must do the work and sanctifying in me. I have no strength or know-how to do this. The question is not, how do I do this? The question is, how do I become better at being more available for Him to do this in me? Not sure. For I always seem to get in the way. I have to trust He knows this as well and will work around this factor. I have so much to put into practice. But if I can figure out how to let him do all the work, all the practice, then I can just sit back and watch! That's what He wants anyway. Stella, my girl, pray. Pray hard for your weak, little, earthly mother. (And for all souls still in this world)