Oh my. Where to even start? Instead of trying to make up for lost ground, I think I will just start "here". Life continues to move forward, some days fast, some days slow. I have been enjoying, immensely, working as a teacher at an after school enrichment program, called Athenaeum. I find it is a wonderful distraction for my mind. It helps me step out of myself, my trials, and focus on loving up other little children. I get to utilize so many gifts and talents I have been given and have learned over the years.
Speaking of distractions...That is a word I've been pondering much lately. I often pray not to be distracted from God's will and goal in my life. I see how I often am. I also see how some "distractions" are gifts. Some can actually benefit the soul, I think. It is just imperative to be aware of which ones do and which ones don't. I also cannot help but compare myself to my two year old daughter. I'm so much more delightful to my own self when I make such a comparison. Often, I point my finger at myself, scolding all the things that distracted me, the temptations I gave into, the thoughts that seemed to seep through my brain to initiate a behavior. I get angry at my short-comings and failures. The old "I should know better" not to do\think\say something. Then I think of Gia. I think of how I am like my little toddler. I see how she is always trying to accomplish great things in her world. She thinks she's a "big girl". And God forbid anyone tells her different! I see her intently try to cut paper with scissors (children scissors - of course). She wants to sleep in a big girl bed and must brush her teeth and open yogurt on her own. Her mother appears to simply be a bonus to her life that she so well deserves. How do I see myself in her? First of all, I see how easily I am distracted by not so important things - demands of the every day, health, beauty, people, chores, the must-haves, and the must-dos. My focus on heaven can easily be tilted when "life happens". I see how I think my soul is a "big girl." I am constantly beating myself up because when I fall short I think "HOW COULD YOU? YOU KNOW BETTER." It is when I hear this phrase in my mind said, that I think of how much I rely on my "big girl" self. How if I tried to look through the Father's eyes, just as I look at Gia, instead I would see myself as a little toddler, a little soul. That no matter how much I know or have learned, my sinful humanity is still very much present in my life. And focusing too much on our failures also can be used as a distraction from our Destination.
I somehow must believe the Father can look upon me with such loving eyes as I do on Gia. That her "big girl" attempts are actually so endearing to me. They please me and actually bring me delight. I know who she is. Her big struts and sentences make me love her more. Because in the midst of them, she knows her mama is right beside her, ready to hug her after each hurt, make her every meal, teach her ways of love, and lay next to her every night. I see the little soul in her trying so hard to be big. And it doesn't take a fit or fall to remind me of how little she is, I don't ever forget. However, it takes those fits and falls, to remind herself. And that's how I see myself in her. My Father never forgets my littleness, even when I do. I am thankful for those falls and fits to remind me of my place in His Plan. I am so thankful to be small enough for His hands. It is my pride that doesn't fit. Thank God! God is restoring much in me. He is taking me some place new. All for the Glory! Amen.