I see a little clearer what I think the Lord is doing more in me and our life. I hear a calling in my heart, an old one. But as we know Truth doesn't change, but the layers do go deeper. The agony lately has been more preparation for my soul. I think of one of the many messages Our Lady of Medjugorje has given. (The message is that of the Gospel, so it doesn't matter if you believe in these apparitions or not.) However, she pleads with her children, all of us, if we want to be happy we must live simply and humbly. I hear this call in my own heart and soul in a new way. I long to have heaven as more of my reality, it cannot be with too much stuff and desire of this world. This is hard for anyone to accept. Think of the man who wanted to follow Jesus and Jesus said, "Go sell all your things, then come and follow me." The man would not. I read and think of, for example, of the visionaries from Medjugorje and every thing I read or see about them, I desire. They are so pure of heart and full of joy. They don't have much at all. I've thought the Lord has refined me in this area so much, but I see there is more I can do to fulfill this. I want to be happy, who doesn't? I am so thankful for this. Even today, I was explaining to John as he shared a new desire for a new toy. I always tell him that it's not good to always want things, that toys don't make us happy, only for a moment etc. But today, from my own lesson I'm learning I got to share with him how when we have too much stuff in our lives, in our home, in our hearts, there is no room for heaven. Or maybe we just have a little room. And if there's just a little room left, Father God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, Mary, Stella, and ALL OF HEAVEN won't be able to fit! Heaven is too big for a small space in our lives, in our soul, in our home. He then asked for garbage bag so he could give away a lot of his toys. I chuckled because I heard all this commotion in the closet, expecting to see such big changes. He brought me the large bag with a few toys in it. I thought to myself, "I'm just like that with God." I get this beautiful lesson and desire and then I show up with a small offering. However, I am so proud of his initiative and joy and understanding. We will continue to work on it. I will help give things away. The Father is our parent and does the same thing, I think. He is pleased with our desire and our trying. He will help with the rest.
We are called to leave the past behind, not to foolishly indulge on memories unless the Lord takes us too them to see them in the light of His Love. We are asked to move forward. I have a greater, bigger longing like never before to offer more for the conversion of souls. I think of a moment I had the other week when John was sick. I was in such agony. I was wailing on my bed. I looked at the tiny crucifix on the wall through my tears. I asked Jesus if he could just come off the Cross with all His blood and wounds and wrap himself around me. For I know and believe His wounds heal. I was also a bit angry and told Him if he understood what this kind of suffering was like. For I would rather have my body tortured than my heart. All of a sudden, I saw with the eyes of my soul Jesus' face in front of me. I saw it covered in blood and a crown of thorns. I heard Him say to me, "How can you think I do not suffer like that? I taste the death. I know what it is like to lose a child, lose many. You have not experienced the death of a child." And so it is. He knows what real death is. To lose a child for all eternity to a place that is well - hell. That is real death. He knows what real grief is. Souls need our prayers and sacrifices. Our brothers, our sisters need them more than ever. How I want to help Him. This separation gives me great empathy for my Savior, for my Mother. Who lose children to a place that is not necessary for them to go. We choose heaven or hell while we are here. It is grave and very much a thing to be assessed in my life. Saints didn't just do "good enough". They gave ALL, they showed Love He was worth it. I'm such a coward, keeping such focus on myself.