Monday, August 27, 2012

Something to Think About - Seriously

I see a little clearer what I think the Lord is doing more in me and our life.  I hear a calling in my heart, an old one.  But as we know Truth doesn't change, but the layers do go deeper.  The agony lately has been more preparation for my soul.  I think of one of the many messages Our Lady of Medjugorje has given. (The message is that of the Gospel, so it doesn't matter if you believe in these apparitions or not.)  However, she pleads with her children, all of us, if we want to be happy we must live simply and humbly.  I hear this call in my own heart and soul in a new way.  I long to have heaven as more of my reality, it cannot be with too much stuff and desire of this world.  This is hard for anyone to accept.  Think of the man who wanted to follow Jesus and Jesus said, "Go sell all your things, then come and follow me."  The man would not.  I read and think of, for example, of the visionaries from Medjugorje and every thing I read or see about them, I desire.  They are so pure of heart and full of joy.  They don't have much at all.  I've thought the Lord has refined me in this area so much, but I see there is more I can do to fulfill this. I want to be happy, who doesn't?  I am so thankful for this.  Even today, I was explaining to John as he shared a new desire for a new toy.  I always tell him that it's not good to always want things, that toys don't make us happy, only for a moment etc.  But today, from my own lesson I'm learning I got to share with him how when we have too much stuff in our lives, in our home, in our hearts, there is no room for heaven.  Or maybe we just have a little room.  And if there's just a little room left, Father God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, Mary, Stella, and ALL OF HEAVEN won't be able to fit!  Heaven is too big for a small space in our lives, in our soul, in our home.  He then asked for garbage bag so he could give away a lot of his toys.  I chuckled because I heard all this commotion in the closet, expecting to see such big changes.  He brought me the large bag with a few toys in it.  I thought to myself, "I'm just like that with God."  I get this beautiful lesson and desire and then I show up with a small offering.  However, I am so proud of his initiative and joy and understanding.  We will continue to work on it.  I will help give things away.  The Father is our parent and does the same thing, I think.  He is pleased with our desire and our trying.  He will help with the rest.

  We are called to leave the past behind, not to foolishly indulge on memories unless the Lord takes us too them to see them in the light of His Love.  We are asked to move forward.  I have a greater, bigger longing like never before to offer more for the conversion of souls.  I think of a moment I had the other week when John was sick. I was in such agony.  I was wailing on my bed.  I looked at the tiny crucifix on the wall through my tears.  I asked Jesus if he could just come off the Cross with all His blood and wounds and wrap himself around me.  For I know and believe His wounds heal.  I was also a bit angry and told Him if he understood what this kind of suffering was like.  For I would rather have my body tortured than my heart.  All of a sudden, I saw with the eyes of my soul Jesus' face in front of me.  I saw it covered in blood and a crown of thorns.  I heard Him say to me, "How can you think I do not suffer like that?  I taste the death.  I know what it is like to lose a child, lose many.  You have not experienced the death of a child."  And so it is.  He knows what real death is.  To lose a child for all eternity to a place that is well - hell.  That is real death.  He knows what real grief is.  Souls need our prayers and sacrifices.  Our brothers, our sisters need them more than ever.  How I want to help Him.  This separation gives me great empathy for my Savior, for my Mother.  Who lose children to a place that is not necessary for them to go.  We choose heaven or hell while we are here.  It is grave and very much a thing to be assessed in my life.  Saints didn't just do "good enough".  They gave ALL, they showed Love He was worth it.  I'm such a coward, keeping such focus on myself. 

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Bummer

Well, that's a bummer.  I was trying to post pictures of Johnny's birthday and can't do it for some reason.  They are so precious.  I have a passage to share that I will type up tonight when the little guys are asleep. 

It's baffling to me to experience grief harder than ever.  Phillip and I both are.  I think the stress of the non-stopping world adds to it.  Everything changed in a moment for us. We lost our daughter and house all in that moment.  Our life that we were building got flattened in a moment.  I missed our home so much when we had Johnny's party.  I missed everything.  And it seems like we have had no time to just gather a thought.  Bills still have to get paid and life still has to be done.  So what do I do?  I try to look at the bigger picture I guess.  I feel abandoned, but I am not.  I feel like what have I done so terribly wrong to have this happen to me?  But I know, nothing.  I read this message from Mary our Mother and I this part in particular comforted me so. 

"I am with you, little ones.  Do not disappoint me by swelling on the past.  Leave the past forever.  It has no power over you unless you invite it, nourish it, and foolishly indulge in it.   Lot's wife could not accept God's Will.  She was therefore consumed with sorrow. 

Move on, my dear children.  Move forward with great trust in my presence and courage to accept God's Plan for you lives.  There are days ahead that will fill your human hearts with amazement.  Prepare now to help the millions of souls who shall depend upon your faithfulness to God's Will for you."

I felt like this was just for me.  However, I feel weary of reading such things.  I want to see my Mighty Lord pull us out of this.  See things get better, not just read of the hope there is.  I think I need to ask for patience.  Today is the Feast of the Queenship of Mary.  She received the most glorious Crown in Heaven, the Crown of the Queen of Heaven, Earth, the Cosmos, everything.  She guides and helps many to the Heart of Jesus in all her splendor and glory.  Praise be to God forever!!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Super Quick Today - Too Tired

Johnny's sick, so you know that it means a heightened anxiety time for me.  He was suppose to have his birthday party today.  Poor little guy.  I also ask for prayers for a friend who has battled cancer the last year and has now been given a couple weeks.  She is a young mom and wife.  A truly beautiful soul.  More to carry I know.  But we have to do it together.  Thank you

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Life as a House

Today is our eighth wedding anniversary.  We actually celebrated last week because my in-laws are out of town this week.  Phillip and I went to a local resort for the night.  The last time we got away together was six years ago.  And I actually got really sick so I was stuck in bed.  Johnny had his fifth birthday on Sunday.  Praise God for his life!  These events are so bittersweet for us though.  The days are comprised of mixed emotions.

There is a house a being built across the street.  We know the wonderful family who bought it.  They have completely demolished the house and are building from scratch.  They even had a HUGE hole dug to fit a basement.  As I continue to see the new progress day to day I can't help but see the deeper meaning.  The original house was fine.  It really could have simply been redone to make it a decent, nice house.  But to make it magnificent, the rebuilding from nothing would be the best path.  I have also seen the extremely hard work put into it.  I hear the men working on it at times yell in pain, as they probably touch something that has been sitting in this hot phoenix sun.  I pray for them as they toil in this heat all day long.  And seriously wonder how it's even possible.  So yes, isn't this what I must look like?  I was that original house.  I was fine, even getting some minor work done on myself.  But God's plans are much bigger for me.  He wants me to be magnificent, brand new, perfect from every part of me.  However, the path is hard work.  I have been demolished to the ground first, in order to be rebuilt.  The new construction is messy, ugly, loud, and painful but the Contractor has the blueprints and plans in hand and knows the steps that must take place to make a sturdy foundation for newness and beauty to thrive.  I sure hope this is what God is doing with me.  I don't want to remain a demolished house. 
 " 'The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,' says the Lord Almighty.  'And in this place I will grant peace,' declares the Lord Almighty." Haggai 2:9