Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Ugh..

Sorry for the delayed post.  It was a REALLY hard week.  I feel competely depleated.  Gia got really sick last Tuesday night.  She had a high fever for six days, breathing treatments, and then I took her in for the third time to find she got ear infections too.  Moan...Now, I get it.  It's life, children get sick and will continue to.  However, for me, it's different.  I go into panic mode pretty fast.  I have to come to terms that if it's God's will for him to take Gia too, then I have to surrender.  It's such a hard place to go through.  I hope this gets better with time.  However, added to that anxiety, I start having really hard memories and grief about Stella.  I start questioning, blaming myself, tormenting my already bleeding heart.  This last week has been such an agony.  Yesterday, after the third doctor's visit I was in the bathroom washing my hands.  I wasn't thinking about much at all.  I felt kind of numb.  My brain ran out of gas.  The water running over my hands.  I look in the mirror at the tired mother staring back at me, hoping this latest news of Gia's ears will be the last of this virus.  I then heard in my soul, "You have to give her to me."  I responded in frustration, "I'm trying.  Actually, I told you that if it's Gia's time, then I know I have to surrender."  I then got a little anxious and that thought.  Then I heard inside, "No, not Gia.  Stella."  I knew He was right.  He continued, "You must give Stella to me.  She, and the situation was never yours to have.  She is so happy and yet when she sees you like this, her heart aches and some of her joy is taken from her. You must give her to me."  I then proceeded with saying, "How? I'm trying.  You can see why when one of the kids gets sick, how hard it is for me. How will I get better?"  I realized it will be through practice.  I will be tried again.  I also know Mary is particularly aiding me.  There is too much work to do, and time cannot be wasted. 

And to confirm everything said, Phillip came home and told me that He really felt the Holy Spirit today while he was at driving tell him, Phillip needed to tell me I have to let Stella go.  That we have work to do here and we will have eternity with her.  More processing...

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing this Francesca...I think of you often and how these "normal" parts of parenting with sick kids might be extra challenging for you. Please know you are always in my prayers and I will send some extra prayers up for you this week. I know your sweet Stella is looking over all of you, especially through any sickness. God bless...

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