Monday, June 18, 2012

Holy Crap

A couple months ago, I decided I couldn't take the mess on my inlaws back porch.  I'm not trying to bust them out, because I love them so much.  They are wonderful, their back porch just got overlooked for way too long.  There was an immense amount of, well, disgusting garbage that piled up over time.  It was repulsive. I'm describing, this because it is imperative to the story.  I won't go into detail about all that I was cleaning.  I was outside in 100+ degrees, sweating, cleaning, carrying bags full of rancid finds.  I was grumbling, angry, and repulsed the whole time.  I almost dry heaved about three times as well.  I was not doing any act of real love because I was so disgusted and angry the whole time going through SO MUCH stuff.  I wasn't angry at them, just at all of it.  Some of my anger was just from me, my life, and it was coming out on the whole area, the task at hand.  So I'm going through everything.  Layer after layer I pick up, all with anger, sweat, and disgust.  And sure enough, amongst all the putrid materials, I'm on my last layer, and I see I pile of sparkling, gold STARS.  I thought to myself, "Of, course Lord!  Of course, you had a plan in this.  Of course you wanted to show me something in all this crap."  I was still angry and didn't feel like accepting the teaching.  I knew once my steam blew off, I would.  So the teaching isn't hard to get is it?  Well, at the time, it was.  Looking back now that I am not feeling angry and working away, it is easy to accept.  I guess there's a lesson in that as well. 

Amongst all of our layers of absolute disgust, no matter how are lives are or have been, no matter what choices we made or think we should have made, God is there.  When we finally decide to get our hands dirty, and try to clean, we find Him.  He was there the WHOLE time.  And while we try to do the dirty work, it's not always easy to accept His love, His presence, His beauty.  But when we step back, when time passes a bit, we can.  We see much clearer.  Believe me, those stars I saw, were the only lovely thing I encountered on the porch.  They stood out even more because of all the horrid mess around them.  I think my Stella was also reminding me, she's in it with us.  She's in this mess of grief we are in.  She's reminding me while, I move forward and my soul is purifying, that she is here, and Heaven beauty awaits us.  Do you have a time when God stood out to you in the messiest of times? 

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