Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Ugh..

Sorry for the delayed post.  It was a REALLY hard week.  I feel competely depleated.  Gia got really sick last Tuesday night.  She had a high fever for six days, breathing treatments, and then I took her in for the third time to find she got ear infections too.  Moan...Now, I get it.  It's life, children get sick and will continue to.  However, for me, it's different.  I go into panic mode pretty fast.  I have to come to terms that if it's God's will for him to take Gia too, then I have to surrender.  It's such a hard place to go through.  I hope this gets better with time.  However, added to that anxiety, I start having really hard memories and grief about Stella.  I start questioning, blaming myself, tormenting my already bleeding heart.  This last week has been such an agony.  Yesterday, after the third doctor's visit I was in the bathroom washing my hands.  I wasn't thinking about much at all.  I felt kind of numb.  My brain ran out of gas.  The water running over my hands.  I look in the mirror at the tired mother staring back at me, hoping this latest news of Gia's ears will be the last of this virus.  I then heard in my soul, "You have to give her to me."  I responded in frustration, "I'm trying.  Actually, I told you that if it's Gia's time, then I know I have to surrender."  I then got a little anxious and that thought.  Then I heard inside, "No, not Gia.  Stella."  I knew He was right.  He continued, "You must give Stella to me.  She, and the situation was never yours to have.  She is so happy and yet when she sees you like this, her heart aches and some of her joy is taken from her. You must give her to me."  I then proceeded with saying, "How? I'm trying.  You can see why when one of the kids gets sick, how hard it is for me. How will I get better?"  I realized it will be through practice.  I will be tried again.  I also know Mary is particularly aiding me.  There is too much work to do, and time cannot be wasted. 

And to confirm everything said, Phillip came home and told me that He really felt the Holy Spirit today while he was at driving tell him, Phillip needed to tell me I have to let Stella go.  That we have work to do here and we will have eternity with her.  More processing...

Monday, June 18, 2012

Holy Crap

A couple months ago, I decided I couldn't take the mess on my inlaws back porch.  I'm not trying to bust them out, because I love them so much.  They are wonderful, their back porch just got overlooked for way too long.  There was an immense amount of, well, disgusting garbage that piled up over time.  It was repulsive. I'm describing, this because it is imperative to the story.  I won't go into detail about all that I was cleaning.  I was outside in 100+ degrees, sweating, cleaning, carrying bags full of rancid finds.  I was grumbling, angry, and repulsed the whole time.  I almost dry heaved about three times as well.  I was not doing any act of real love because I was so disgusted and angry the whole time going through SO MUCH stuff.  I wasn't angry at them, just at all of it.  Some of my anger was just from me, my life, and it was coming out on the whole area, the task at hand.  So I'm going through everything.  Layer after layer I pick up, all with anger, sweat, and disgust.  And sure enough, amongst all the putrid materials, I'm on my last layer, and I see I pile of sparkling, gold STARS.  I thought to myself, "Of, course Lord!  Of course, you had a plan in this.  Of course you wanted to show me something in all this crap."  I was still angry and didn't feel like accepting the teaching.  I knew once my steam blew off, I would.  So the teaching isn't hard to get is it?  Well, at the time, it was.  Looking back now that I am not feeling angry and working away, it is easy to accept.  I guess there's a lesson in that as well. 

Amongst all of our layers of absolute disgust, no matter how are lives are or have been, no matter what choices we made or think we should have made, God is there.  When we finally decide to get our hands dirty, and try to clean, we find Him.  He was there the WHOLE time.  And while we try to do the dirty work, it's not always easy to accept His love, His presence, His beauty.  But when we step back, when time passes a bit, we can.  We see much clearer.  Believe me, those stars I saw, were the only lovely thing I encountered on the porch.  They stood out even more because of all the horrid mess around them.  I think my Stella was also reminding me, she's in it with us.  She's in this mess of grief we are in.  She's reminding me while, I move forward and my soul is purifying, that she is here, and Heaven beauty awaits us.  Do you have a time when God stood out to you in the messiest of times? 

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Who Am I?

The computer was completely down the past few days.  I'm so sorry about that.  Well, life is busy.  Lots of prayers going on.  It just seems like so many of us our in need of sacrifice and prayer.  There are so many HEAVY crosses being carried right now.  And when one is carrying a heavy cross, lighter crosses added to it feel so heavy as well.  Wouldn't it be nice if Heaven could just lift the veil for each of us and give us clarity and understanding so our journey on earth would be so much more peaceful, maybe even easier?  I guess that can't be though.  We have to prove ourselves, our trust, our FAITH.  If we saw with complete clarity, it would be like cheating on an exam.  However, we do get glimpses and aid, but we must not become dependent on such things.  That is not faith.  Faith is believing in what we do not see, what we don't understand with perfect clarity.  At the very least, it takes our life time to get this.

I was reading Scripture and I have been reading the book of Matthew.  However, I opened up to Job and started reading it a little.  I've read it plenty of times before.  Many of us know the story.  Just in brief for those who need a recap.  Job was a man considered righteous in the eyes of God.  Satan challenges God and says, well of course Job is considered righteous.  You have blessed him on earth so much.  He had a wife and many children.  He had land and many animals.  He was a wealthy blessed man.  Why wouldn't he be a good a servant to the God that has blessed him so.  So God allows Satan to have his way with Job.  Everything is taken from him.  Job continues to bless God's name.  He does start to question however, what he must have done to deserve all of the curses.  Finally God's roaring voice answers.  The first thing out of the mouth of God, stirs in my own soul.  He says to Job, "WHO IS THIS THAT OBSCURES DIVINE PLANS WITH WORDS OF IGNORANCE?"  This gives me chills in my spirit. The words used are so powerful and so humbling to me.  Who am I?  Who do I think I am?  To question the Creator's authority with my thoughts of IGNORANCE.  We are all part of His Divine Plan, not just our plan, or a little plan, or even a bigger plan, a DIVINE PLAN.  The question puts me in my place.  I am gratefully, humbled. 

Monday, June 4, 2012

My Dream

I had a dream Friday night.  Granted, there was of course some strange aspects of it, just like any dream.  But it still has caused me to ponder it.  Mother Mary was in my presence.  I couldn't see her in my dream, but I  knew she was there.  The next thing I knew, I was in a huge conference room with a crowd of people.  We had to watch on a gigantic movie screen, Christ's Crucifixion.  I don't think I saw any specifics of it, but I know I was watching it.  After it was over, everyone was just talking a having a good time.  As if they hadn't even seen what we all just saw. I, however, had marks on me of the Crucifixion.  I wasn't in pain, but my lower body, mainly legs and feet were in bad shape.  Then I just heard our Lady say to me, "If only you could accept the suffering my Son did for you." 

Those words ring in my head.  Over and over I hear them.  If only...what?  If only I could, then maybe more peace would be mine.  If I could, then there would be NOTHING to worry about.  Well, Lord, I'm working on it.  The accepting, I mean.  It's different than accepting my own cross, my own suffering.  To accept what Jesus did  for ME, that is so much to take in.  To accept that love, personally, that's hard.  I can accept easier my own pain. I'm human, we love focusing on our pain.  But how do I hold with GRATITUDE a high price paid for ME?  An undeserving mess of a soul?  Only through heaven's help, I am sure. Much to dwell upone this week.  How do I accept it better?  Once I figure that out, I guess it will just be practice.