I think of quotes I've read from saints and Mary, Mother of God. The ones taht carry the same message. "When you are carrying a cross, do not ask 'Why?' but ask, 'Lord, is there anything else You want me to do?' "
In the midst of my Calvary, I have not found those, nor even forced them for that matter,to form on my lips. I tend to ask "Haven't I given enough?" or "Aren't you done with this yet?" I can't help but but wonder - WHO ARE THESE SOULS WHO HAVE WALKED ON THE SAME GROUND MY CLUMSY FEET STUMBLE AND TRIP ON ALL THE TIME?!! I am so thankful for them!! They cheer me on and inspire me.
I see a place I am familiar with. I knew it would eventually come in this process. I am learning not to be so uncomfortable with it. The place of going deeper. When extraordinary consolations and high feelings that come with them tend to hit a lull. The place He stretches us some more, even when we don't think we could stretch any more for awhile. He calls. He calls. He calls me to the place of deeper, deeper trust. Trusting in Truth, in Supreme Goodness, in His Fatherhood, in the heart of Daddy God. My soul hears these words over and over - "Faith is NOT a feeling. Heaven is NOT a feeling. My presence is NOT a feeling." I know how I operate. My emotions easily influence my reactions. But He wants to take me to place that is much more secure. Truth is a rock to a build a mansion upon. Feelings, are one of the many illusions that can be compared to sand. Not a sturdy foundation. I know this, but why do I still object inside sometimes - wanting all the good feelings and fuzzy thoughts?
This weekend was a somber one. Stella's birthday was on Friday. We celebrated. I FELT sad. Mother's Day was Sunday. I wanted all of my children physically around me. Last year for her birthday, I FELT heaven just envelope us. This year, Heaven was a bit more...subtle. But just because I didn't FEEL my heavenly family as strong, doesn't mean they aren't just as present - maybe even more so. Heaven's interaction and existence doesn't depend on MY experience, MY faith, MY belief, MY thoughts, MY feelings. And that gives me actually a deep sense of security. It is unchanging, unlike my emotions. But why must my soul experience memory loss? Waiting eagerly for another answered prayer in the way that I want it answered?God is so incredibly good. Many lessons to keep learning.
"Amen, Amen I say to you, you will weep and mourn, while the world rejoices; you will grieve, but your grief will become joy. When a woman is in labor, she is in anguish because her hour has arrived; but when she has given birth to a child, she no longer remembers the pain because of her joy that a child has been born into the world. So you also are now in anguish. But I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away. - John 16:20-22