Have you ever been so frustrated by your own weaknesses? Do you ever surprise yourself by how the things you know you shouldn't do or say or think, you still do, say and think?! Paul talks about this in the New Testament. I do it all too often. I drive myself nuts, actually. Using all of my self-control to not say or do something and then I still end up saying or doing it! It is baffling how weak I am. How I want to be all good and loving and yet I am not. I am not God. However, there are two things that I can think of that are good in this. I realize that I am able to see and recognize the faults in me. It gives me the desire to at the very least, to keep trying and trying to become better and overcome these hindrances. I am in no way in denial of them or don't care enough to work on them.
The other thing that I see in the struggle is that there must be more than this world for me. In the constant struggle to be better, to overcome, to fight, and at times be victorious, I see that I am made for so much more. I read these words from Jesus and they settled in my soul - "While you are serving in exile, away from heaven, you feel that you are apart from something that you crave. This is a good feeling because it shows that you are experiencing the longing for heaven that calls you home. I, too, experienced this longing for heaven. It is an aching feeling. It tells you that there is something else that you should have that you do not have? It is union with your Savior. You will feel complete when you have this forever; with no risk of losing this union." I do experience this. I am thankful for feeling this. For many years, I did not. I felt longing for Christ but longing for Him in m life on earth. Heaven, home, was an after-thought, a bonus to loving God. By observing and living in my weaknesses, I become disgusted with myself. I see a sliver of the vast space between God's greatness and my nothingness. This viewing of our great distinction reminds me of His Divine Mercy. It reminds me of glimpses of who I can be, where I started and how far I've come. In Christ, for Christ and through Christ I crave a better me. I know it must be possible because I crave it so intensely.
It reminds me of when someone falls in love. Not only does the beloved want to behold her lover because of him, she wants to behold him because she is a better version of herself with him. She sees never-known possibilities of her own grace and beauty, her own transformation. This is what I crave when I think of unity with Christ, with Heaven. The best version of me. The version I no longer have to battle so much. The version I will be completely at peace with. The version that will no longer have to search, gain, and lose again. Complete - me. Complete with God. But until then, I keep on fighting. Keep analyzing my struggles. Keep asking for forgiveness. Keep getting up time and time again after each fall. Keep on working towards becoming better. Keep relying on Him. One day at a time, one moment. Blessings on your week. I have to go now and yell at the children ;)
***By the way, I was wondering if ANY of you reading or checking in on my blog would like to be a feature writer for a week. Don't just count it out right away. I ask that you just pray about it and see if maybe you are called to. Email me your thoughts, your experience, your gratitude, etc. I would LOVE it. Then I get to use your writing here and there throughout the weeks. Remember, we are all in this together!! ***