This was the hardest week I have experienced other than ones just following our tragedy. There were some significant triggers involved. The rest was pure darkness. I let God know how angry I felt and how the feelings of abandonment were unbearable. I told Him everything. But these are not the things I want to focus on. Three things I realized. One is, my words to Him are nothing. He knows me. He knows my heart. Just as a mother when she looks at her child's behavior she can often detect where it comes from. I know my Father looks at me and understands the place of pain I spoke from. Furthermore, I came downstairs to a Western movie on the TV. I briefly saw one of those scenes where a house was on fire. The whole town formed an assembly line as each person passed a bucket of water to the next. The person closest to the house would splash the bucket on the roaring flames that consumed the home. I laughed to myself as I watched the frantic townspeople work so hard using one small bucket at a time trying to put out this ferocious fire. I thought how similar my situation with God was this week. My spouts at him and anger were like the little bucket of water being poured on the raging flames of the merciful heart of God. IT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING! Romans tells us there is NOTHING that can separate us from the love of God. My measly attempts of anger towards the Father couldn't even remotely begin to put out his flames of love for me.
The second thing I have realized through this week is my soul longs for my Creator. By experiencing the feelings of abandonment and darkness I was made more aware of my nothingness. I cannot live and do not want anything that is not in accordance to my Father's will. I long for Him more and since those agonizing moments have passed and I experience His peace once again, I realize a moment with feeling apart from Him is a moment I can't bear. I want union with Him all the time. He is my lifeline. He is the only one who makes my yoke easy and my burden light. I have been asking for grace to long for Him even more. I want my soul to search for Him at all times.
The third thing I have been thinking about is my husband. Among my darkness, Jesus used my husband to be His hands, His ears, His love. Where do I begin with such a man? His compassion and patience with me was the small light in such a dark tunnel. My husband drives me to want to love the Lord more. I have been specifically asking for grace to serve and love my husband as if it were Jesus himself. I see how effortlessly it seems for Phillip in serving and loving someone with as many faults as me. And yet I feel like I could never show the love I have for him enough, although he makes it so easy to do so. These faults of mine drive me nuts sometimes. He cannot be compared to anyone I have ever encountered or even heard about. I have thought how unfair this tragedy with our daughter seems to be at times. In my weakness I have asked, "Lord, did I really deserve this?" Maybe not. I don't think anyone would. But I also know I absolutely do NOT deserve my husband either. God's ways truly are mysterious. I feel thankful for God's "unfairness." For I cannot begin to count all the blessings given to me that I am completely unworthy of, especially that of my righteous spouse.