I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to post until now. The computer has had some problems and my sister-in-law and her family who live in Germany are in town. We have been very busy with all the activity and cousins. I wanted to share a truly blessed experience that happened Wednesday. It was the evening and Johnny, Gia and I were home alone playing on my bed. Since we were alone I asked if Johnny had talked to Stella lately and told her he loved her. His face went sour and he said, "No! I don't love Stella!" My heart aches even more when John struggles. I therefore tried not to cry because I understood he feels abandoned by her. I said, "What do you mean you don't love Stella?" He responded, "I'm mad at her because she went to heaven and I wanted her to stay on earth. She died. Stella died and I want her to stay on earth." My heart felt stabbed again. I started to pray inside, asking the Spirit for guidance. I just started to speak the Truth to him. The things we so often talk about. I said, "I know Johnny, I wanted her to stay on earth too. But John, are we made for heaven?" He answered, "Yes." "Was Stella made for heaven?" Again, his answer, "Yes." I continued, "John, do you trust mommy?" Another "yes." "Well, John, you just have to trust me when I tell you, it is better for Stella to be heaven and it is better for us too. We have to always remember heaven is our real home. We are just on earth for a little while until Jesus tells us it's time to go home to heaven. And then in heaven we will always be together and no one will ever leave you again ever. And John, is Stella alive now?" He answered "Yes" again then John and I start talking about the wonderful things we hope for in heaven.
I continued to tell John, " You know Johnny, sometimes mommy can hear Stella in my heart. That's where I hear Jesus too. You know how mommy always talks about making our hearts beautiful? Well that's because that's where part of heaven lives in us. Try it John. Try listening for Stella in your heart. We have to be very quiet. I'll do it with you." So he put his hand on his heart and bowed his head. I did the same. He looked up at me and told me he heard Stella talk about her room and how there were rainbow fish. He did it again and then said to me, "Mom, Stella says she has a rainbow for you." I thanked Stella for the rainbow. And then all of a sudden it sounded like raindrops outside. I didn't think there would be any because I could still feel the sun through the window. (I do live in a desert too!) I still our of curiosity, turned my head to look to see what the noise was. There were just seconds of raindrops and a lovely RAINBOW outside. I yelled, "John, look! She did send mommy a rainbow! She did!" John turned around looked outside and his face was priceless. His eyes got wide he flipped around and wrapped his arms around my neck and started exclaiming, "SHE HEARD ME IN MY HEART! SHE HEARD ME IN MY HEART!" The grace that came over him was astounding.
Furthermore, I remembered how two days before, I was writing a journal entry to Stella. I asked her to send me an answer that she gets my writings to her. I told her as well that I would look for it and if by some chance I don't see it, I know it will be because I am not looking with the correct vision. The next day after the writing I felt a little sad that I didn't have anything in particular stick out to me that day. I prayed and thanked the Lord anyways. And then my answer was more beautiful then what I thought would be given. Not only did I receive a beautiful physical sign, but the Lord blessed my son too with a moment of glorious, heavenly grace. That moment for me, watching John, was more powerful than a thousand rainbows in the sky.
My prayer is that if I can help teach my son at a young age to hear the whispers of the Spirit of God inside of him now, that maybe by the time he gets to be my age, he will recognize Jesus' voice confidently and clearly. It is something I struggle and have worked to hear for a long time now. I want to give John and all my children as much as a head start as possible. It is a gift to give them.