Monday, March 21, 2011

She Carries Us Now

My legs ached, my ears hurt, my heart broken. My Stellers battled with colic. I knew nothing different being my first experience with having a new born. My husband was working a night job on top of his career and I paced our hall over and over. She launched me into a crash course of parenting. Murmuring prayers, singing songs, and walking miles became a nightly ritual in our home. I still become exhausted thinking of that season. And now the roles are reversed. Within the first week after Stella went home to our awaiting heaven, I was up once again at night crying walking the hall. I said to her, "Stella, your dad and I carried you for miles in your agony when you were a baby. Now it is time for you to carry us in ours." And she is. Jesus is so good. He allows her to be revealed to us in new ways now, confirming time and time again two realities - she is alive and heaven is real. Those stories will eventually evolve in these posts as I discern where they should be. So much is being taken in right now and so much is being shown to us. I cannot stress the gratitude I have towards my Creator in giving Stella to us as a gift. I love who I am because of all the unknown sacrifices I have had to make in becoming a mother. And despite how it may appear from the outside, I cannot say I wish I was not experiencing this suffering because in it I come face to face with my Jesus and that, my friends, is the will of God - his perfect and loving will. I would tremble in the past imagining suffering like this, and never understood when others would talk about the beauty in it. But it is true. I sit here and I can't believe what I am typing. The beauty in suffering is like no other. Try not to ever be afraid of it. The grace is consuming and is the direct effect of His infinite mercy. And His infinite mercy is the direct effect of His profound and transcendent Love. And it is this Love that my daughter ran towards. Do you have any idea how unfathomable that reality is as a mother to say? My daughter, when she saw Jesus RAN towards the greater Love. I think, "Whose love could be greater for a child than her own mother's?" A child does not easily trust someone. A child runs to her mother when she is unsure, afraid, happy, excited, hurt, etc. There she knows she is safely and unconditionally loved. And yet, Stella when she saw our Lord went RUNNING, not to me, her mother, but to her God. What kind of Love must this be? I desire to know it more and to give it more. If a child is clearly drawn and can recognize the magnitude of this perfect Love, then I too must become like one. And this is how my Stella carries me now. She showed me with her time on earth and she shows me now as she sits next to her Daddy God's thrown, that she is setting the path before me to recognize the greater Love. For as Scripture says, we must become like little children to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. For a soul that goes home as a child is given the privilege very few are given. They are given the glory of being united to Jesus' innocent death. Only a child can be given such an honoring gift. Jesus died innocently and only a child can receive that crown in union with our Lord. GO STELLA! Help mommy to become little like you.

3 comments:

  1. I cannot tell you how much I cling to these posts. You are living every mother's worst fear, and yet showing us all the hope and grace that we pray will be there if such a cross if ever asked of us.

    Such a small world: I learned of your sweet Stella via Melanie Pritchard, and I also count Nancy Mills as a friend. In addition, I know Bryant through the blogs. We are all connected in God's great plan.

    I continue to pray for you and yours, and ask Stella's intercession for your continued peace and healing.

    Thank you for being such a consolation for those of us who are learning from you and Stella.

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  2. Francesca, you are such a beautiful woman! I am so happy that you are sharing your journey with others. You are so strong and courageous and so many people will find hope in your words. Your faith has always been such an huge part of who you are and people are drawn to you b/c of this. I love you. I love Stella.

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  3. May your heart rest in peace, sweet mommy. Thank you for your wonderful witness to us in your carrying of this cross. -a friend of the family

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